Uninvited.

Profound thoughts swarm.
Way too many means to cast.
But lurking behind, you,
sneak in, creasing the ideas
burrowing them to rot.
Laziness gets personified.
I falter. Then wake up.
Vow to shake you away.
And I do.
Yet, you keep coming back,
with more vengeance,
vouching stay forever.
I succumb.
No escape!
I’m asking you -
Leave and never return.
Please!

The beginning..,

In the beginning we were both perfect strangers. I felt like we were some random two just brought together by fate. I was indifferent and was simply happy, to the one fact, that there was someone to care for me. But then, on some level I knew I meant more than the world to her. Much much more than what she meant to me. When she confided about us to people close to her, they were all very excited and said it was truly meant to be. If they were anxious that things should go well between us, they sure did not show. Time passed on and I was slowly getting used to her. But by then, I had become the prime thing of interest to her. I guess I had visitors ever so often. I never bothered. She had a person very close to her and I guess he also liked me. They all threw parties in our name. If I could, I would have shrugged.

People came and went but she was always there. Either she was caressing me and petting me or dreaming about me. She shopped for me, redesigned her life around me. She sang to me, she rocked me and fed me, and took care of me as if I was herself. She planned my future and was actually proud of me. I don’t know what I have done to make her feel this way. I used to wonder!

Initially I was good and tame. As days grew into weeks, the importance and attention I was gaining went into my head. I became meaner, turning into a constant attention monger and was always disturbing her. My tantrums increased multifold but she only smiled every time I twisted and turned. I seldom let her even sleep peacefully. I became more and restless, so much that she could not eat or do anything freely anymore. I wonder how she never thought of me as a burden, or she did think? Not sure! But as far as I knew her, she would never be able to bring herself to think less of me like that. And that thought bothered me. If I had been her, I would have neglected me a long time before. For all the inconvenience I had caused her, she was not annoyed. Her love for me was unflinching and her reactions to my annoyances were a few tears, which she claimed were out of happiness. That surprised me and shamed me. I was someone who gave her pain - more pain than anyone has ever given her- she not once complained. As a matter fact, she glowed in all the love in her heart. She thought I loved her too. And I thought I loved her too, but again not sure.

Her love and affection, though overwhelming, was also overbearing. The all consuming love had melted me eventually. One part of me was constantly nagging me with the thought that she was too good for someone like me. Another part of me also felt my growth was constricted as her walls were pressing on me from all sides. Ever since that feeling started creeping in me, I became all the more reckless and without my bidding was causing her unbearable pain. I wanted to help her. But I was helpless. I was torn between my love and my freedom. So, for what I thought was good for both of us, I started wanting to get out and move on. Like always, she somehow got to know this need of mine. (I really don’t know how she does that.)

Either she too understood that she cannot have me forever or that I hurt her so much, she relented and gave way. I stared moving out slowly. But I still had doubts about my decision. I realized I did not know anyone in the world as well as I had known her. I did not know if I would ever find anyone like her. A feeling of loss overpowered me and all of a sudden, the place I inhabited for the past weeks seemed like the best, warm and comfortable place in the whole world. I also realized I will never be able to come back again. The small area, I was leaving forever, and which once seemed dark and lonely felt heaven-like. Just a thought that things can never be on this level, between us, ever again, saddened me. It was too much to take. I felt vulnerable and fragile. I tried to turn back to her for help. But she had prepared herself for my departure. Though that, she appeared as if she was not taking it all too well. She was screaming and it was terrifying, and I had no choice than to go ahead with the plan. I felt dizzy and soon it all went dark.

Now, when I open my eyes, I realize I’m in a very brightly lit and silent room. There are so many people around, people I don’t know. Or, may be I know. It does not matter at this moment. I search for her and find her looking all tired and beaten. When our eyes met, I fully know she is the one for me. Even after all that I have done to her, she is smiling at me. As always she is shedding tears, but this time I know it by myself that those are out of happiness. There are evident marks of recent anxiety for my well being. Seeing her I’m being swept up by some very strong emotion, which I’m pretty sure, is love. She is reaching out for me and I could do nothing but to let her wrap herself around me. I feel the warmth of my home all over again. It feels like I still have her and her love. I try to tell her that, if ever, I get another chance I will do it all, and I promise I will take care not to cause so much hurt. I'm not able to express it all too well. But she seems to have understood and hugs me even closer and kisses me. I let out a wail.

PS: 12PC - 12 point circle

In the background: Tune

பனி மழை

காற்று,மேகம் உரசியதில்
பிறந்த குழந்தைகள்
தரையில்!!

Some days back..,

This day, 6 months back, was filled with tensions, anticipations, mingled with happiness. Where ever one looked there were people and smiles.Today, the day passes without any of those profound emotions. Going about the day doing mundane domestic jobs, alone. Things change and time flies by, but no worries. :)

It is dreary.

To choose and then decide on something, satisfying many, is actually a tedious job. Argh!!