Wednesday, April 5, 2006

The pain of letting go..,

The time she waited to see him was painful, but not as painful as the few moments preceding the actual moment. It seemed like a million years. It was literally a free ticket journey to hell and to a worse hell. At the same time the anticipation and the enthusiasm of seeing him for the first time were killing her. She had left beyond her family, friends and the rest for him. But the moment she saw him she felt it was definitely worth the wait.

He was the world to her! She despised all her other pleasures just to be around him, to see him smile in his sleep, to hold that soft and warm hands in hers, to lose track of time listening to him mumble sweet nothings in her ears, to feel the wetness of his lips against her cheek when she held him in a tight hug. She was filled with pristine love! She felt complete.

The time she spent with him was the best part of her life. What she shared with him was one of the most beautiful and intimate relationship in the whole world. He would walk around her in that special style that she adored; would come crawling back to her even when she kept pushing him away in that funny and teasing way. And she would be there for his every smile and whimper. They communicated in that special language, only they both understood.

As like every woman, she too had so many dreams and many silly and baseless worries that some thing will happen to hamper their lived-happily dream life. Well, she was not entirely wrong nor paranoic.And she was the reason for letting him go! It was that crazy period in her life, when she seemed to have everything; at the same felt like she had lost everything. So she knew from the start, this happiness was not to last. Earlier, her parents chided her for ever wanting to have him, because they were worried about what the world will speak of them and the way their daughter turned out to be .Her friends advised her that it was a lost cause, wishing to have him for the rest of her life after all that she had been through.

She did not like that. She did not need that. Again! She did not want to lose him too, as she had - to lose a man she thought she was blessed to live with. Life was bliss until the moment she came to know of the cheating and betrayal and the injustice of it. As such she was totally helpless and was not in a position to question the man in any way that was legal. She was partly annoyed at her own self, having to have ever trusted some one like that man. She chose to part. That scarred her being and she thought that was all she would ever be able to take. But one thing she was ever grateful to that man, inspite of all the hatred pounding in every vein of hers was that he was the reason she ever got the most precious gift. She took it to be the string that a destitute woman like her can hold on to. On the verge of being wrenched up from that one life supporting string, she was torn.

Finally she decided to let him go. She thought to herself, however tough this may seem she was doing this for the sake of him. If he would be happy with someone else, then so be it. If some body can give him the only one thing the she can’t then it was all that was to it. Yea! There was this one thing which she can never give him. She had lost faith in men, well of course, except him. She was sure; as they grew old some embarrassing situations would arise, where she would be the victimized and put to accusation. She feared that this may, may give him a tiny reason to hate her, for putting upon him such a burden and embarrassment. She thought separation at the start would spare her from as much pain as it would be after so many years. Luckily there came along a wonderful woman who promised her that she would be with him all time long and take good care him and would make a great home with him. She knew he would definitely be happy with her.

Though she made up so innumerable reasons to support her decision, the irrational and the unreasonable part of her, which was filled with love for him, kept confusing her. But she had made her decision. Strongly! Nothing mattered then. Nothing mattered after. Not a tear was shed. Not a word was uttered. And her life was never the same again. She was alive, barely, physically.

What would she not give to have that one year back? She has relived that year and time for over a million times in her mind. Even now in the depths of the nights she would wake up suddenly hearing him call her, only to realize that it was just a dream. If she ever had the chance to live her own life again, she would not hesitate to give all that she owned for the sake of having him. When ever she saw someone holding his hands and cuddling up with him she does not feel any pangs of jealousy but sadness that she ever had to give him up. But he, unawares of all this emotional turbulence of hers, is still full of the same charm and in the years that had passed had grown more handsome.

She sure let go of him. But she is still holding on to the memory that he is hers.

He will always be her baby! And no one can ever deny that. No one!

6 comments:

Balaji said...

hey, seriously at loss of words :).. amazing!!!.. im not able to pick which ones to quote the best!

Nandha said...

Akila !!! Kalakitta po ...u shud have been a writer ...its high time u change ur profession !! Ippove enaku autograph pottu koduthudu ...

Nandha said...

Akila !!! Kalakitta po ...u shud have been a writer ...its high time u change ur profession !! Ippove enaku autograph pottu koduthudu ...

vivitsa said...

Wow cousin! I am so proud of u !

yeshudeep said...

AKILA...AND THEY CALL ME A WRITER...
U HAVE PUT ME TO SHAME

Sundar said...

Outstanding. That is one word to describe this amazing piece. Though I don't agree to the mother parting ways with her loved one, the writing is captivating and I am lost for words here.

Akila, Way to go