நான் பேச நினைப்பதெல்லாம்..,

தாய் வீட்டை விட்டு நகர்ந்து
புது கூடு அமைத்த பெண் பறவை
எங்கோ தொலைவில் கூவிக்கொண்டு இருக்கிறது.
அதன் பாஷை புரியவில்லை. ஆனால்,
அது இசையால் உணர்த்தும்
வேதனை, வலிக்கிறது.

Lost in the unknown..,

When the chirpers sang fine
Days of fun, sunshine and wine
A person, to her, so fond,
Said he saw something beyond
Busting off the thin line

Forgive me for startling you with the impetuosity of my sentiments, my dear. It cannot have escaped your notice that for some time past, the friendship I have had in my heart for you, has ripened into a deeper feeling, a feeling more beautiful, more pure, more sacred. Dare I name it you? Ah! It is love which makes me so bold!

He spoke tales of love; his hands she sought
Was all talks, a bait, that got her caught?
Soon, saw herself, by Truth, to be buffeted
Vented at the one who mattered
For dreams had dissolved, into naught

At the mention of the name, her overwrought nerves would give way and she would burst into tears. Would she never stop stabbing him to the heart? Her only thought had been to make him happy and safe but every turn she seemed to hurt him. She had wrecked his life, broken his pride and self-respect, shattered that inner peace, that calm based on integrity.

But he understood, it wasn’t, acts of irreverence
As things were not within her inference
While, he, letting her get a bit uppity
Took it all, handling her with dignity
All along crumbling inside with impuissance

She was tired, more tired than she had ever been in all her life. The strain under which she had been laboring, the strain which had given her strength, suddenly snapped. She felt exhausted in body and drained of emotions. Now she felt no sorrow or remorse, no fear or amazement. She was just tired and her mind ticked dully, mechanically, as the clock on the mantel. Out of the dullness, one thought arose. He did not love her and had never really loved her and that knowledge did not hurt. It should hurt. She should be desolate, broken-hearted, ready to scream at fate. She had relied upon his love for long. It had upheld her through so many dark places. Yet, there the truth was. He did not love her and she did not care. She did not care because she did not love him. She did not love him and so nothing he could do or say could hurt her. She was confused, because she definitely felt she loved him, loved him for years. Can love change into apathy in a minute? But the truth is it could change and it had.

Though the Truth and others keep them apart
It may linger, in trace, in their heart
Life has means, for bliss, to upon descend
A way - let somethings go with the wind,
Even when the dears don’t depart

My new found love..

Ever since I got to know about that thing, I was enthused. When I was younger merely talking about it would give me the high. It was then restricted as adult-talk and was hushed upon when some silly fantasies regarding it was revealed. Time rolled on and with my transition from a girl to a woman came the eligibility to talk about the thing without being frowned on. It was alright for a woman to wonder loudly about that thing, talk about it with passion, and even sometimes crib. In fact it was encouraged, in subtle ways, by the elders in the family to have a positive thrill about the whole thing.

I belong to a normal family, which has minimal expectation from every member. All are happy with the way things are, and only rarely was there any misunderstandings and arguments. I got all the right things at the right age. I had no regrets pertaining to anything, and I didn’t think I would have any, either. Maybe I always believed that I would be with my parents all along, by that I mean they would take care of me and always travel along me in this long journey. But when the time came when every one thought I was ready for the thing, I started questioning everything, right from the concept to its execution. It came as a shock, that I was expected to change seats and travel with someone else for the rest of my life. Ironically, all my life, the one thing that I was so fascinated about and the thing that I was secretly hoping would be the best, suddenly changed to a thing that I feared the most.

How could I ever leave my parent’s side and travel with some one new, when I was all comfortable where I was? Would it be worth the change? What if it did not work out? Would that travel provide the fun and warmth that made me feel secure till date? Some were unreasonable; some were due to the helpless condition I was in; and some were due to the pressure of the change. But I had so many questions. People heard my questions, expressed concern, sympathized that they went through the same path, spoke encouraging words and egged me to indulge in the thing but none seem to provide a convincing answer. I could never believe anything that was happening. Seemed like I was fighting against a whole bunch of people; people, whom I thought would understand me, were asking me to do the change, saying it was the best thing that happened in everyone’s life. I don’t know. I had my own doubts.

Slowly, when the initial shock of the request-to-change-place sunk in, my eyes and mind cleared well enough to take in some of the positives of the whole thing. It would sure be nice, to have someone to travel with, all my life, of course with the parents within reach; It would be great to have someone exclusively for one’s self, to pamper and spoil and care for. The many movies I had seen, the many songs I had listened to, praised about that thing and I started seeing myself in my new place. Wouldn’t it be a challenge to travel alongside a total stranger and slowly getting molded to the other person’s comfort level? Wouldn’t it be great to hold up the head and say ‘Yeah baby! That’s coz of me!’? Some days went by with thoughts like those. With the thrill came the uncertainties. What if instead of the smooth ways, the travel path lead to a trough and never came up at all? What if I don’t get enough support to see me through the dark tunnels? What if the view through the new window was not all that alluring as it was eulogized it would be?

I figured if I gave too much thought about this thing, I’m definite to lose my mind. I decided to take a rational look at the whole situation. It was after lots and lots of arguments and tears and tantrums, I finally saw a tiny hint of what my people were trying to make me understand. It was when I was actually tired, of myself, thinking all the sides to the problems, fighting against hypothetical ifs and buts. I realized that somewhere deep inside, some portion of me wanted to try out the change, how much ever the other portions of me were pointing against it. So finally, much to the relief of my family, I consented for a trial of the new place. All I had to do was to clear my thoughts, leave behind all inhibitions and look at the travel as it progressed.

It happened and I shifted, next to that someone who was destined to travel with me. So much to my surprise the new place did live up to the hype. If possible, maybe more! The view from the new window through the shoulders of the person on my left was indeed exciting. I could get the warmth of sunlight, promises of the dusk, gift from the moon and secrets from the stars. I saw the same world in a different way. I, the same person, and the view from the window were the same thing. But I enjoyed it in an enticing flavor. The roaring voices inside of me, which were constantly nagging to make sure if I had made the right decision, finally gave up and I started to hear the buzz of the engine, talks of the co passengers and feel the soft breeze again in my life.

Now I’m in the great comfort and company of the person on my left, with the support of my new people and the never failing belief and blessings of my own folks. Surprisingly, when I look back at the troubling times I had before the trial, it seems magical. Yea truly magical! Tough though it was, sure, but it had chiseled me, humbled me and groomed me, for the rest of my travel. It had shown me clearly my worst fears and prepared me to accept the journey as it may go. Now, even if the path is rough or icy or prickly or smooth, how ever it may be, I have the mental strength, physical comfort and people’s support and I believe these will seem me through all those adversities. And these visions saw me make my transition to this new place with a happy heart, prayers and million dreams.

Extending my hand to be intertwined with my traveling partner’s, I got myself something new, something old, something borrowed, something blue.

Idhazh pirikkaamal,
Kural ezhuppaamal
Naan enakkaaga oru paadal paadikkondean!!!