Friday, September 28, 2007
I need something right now, right at this moment, to calm my sparking nerves. I don’t know what I am really angry about, but I’m very, very upset about something. Today is one of those days, where even a slightest provocation could kindle the “sleeping volcano” inside. My back hurts very badly and I hate my couch, bed and chair. I hate the patronizing ‘wemails’, a scheming way to suck up more blood. I despise the cold fog settling in and I don’t like the damp feeling inside the house because of this. I dislike depending on someone, really anyone, for anything. Lately, I’m wanting to be a part of something, knowing I would hate being part of. I’m hearing things whose knowledge I’m better off without. I’m obsessing about wanting to be something; well, not as soon as in a blink of an eye, but in the duration of maybe, I don’t know, as soon as possible? I’m foolishly, planning and dreaming of being something, I’m not yet. At the moment, I ardently hate most of things around - smiling faces, whispering voices, the rain that’s pounding the windows, the chill in my feet, someone’s indecent overdose of cologne and my current disposition. Somehow the loud creaking noise from the neighbors chair, the dog’s barks and the scratch of sharp tip against the white board, the loud slurping of coffee by the person in the next cubicle, fail to me annoy me today. I can go on listing it and I don’t feel like doing that. I’m hungry; I’m too depressed to think about cooking; and I’m also angry at all the food supplies available at home/ office. Ah the house! The house is so messed up, aided generously by the other half. And weirdly I’m finding calm in cleaning up the messy trail. I want to quit, take a break and rather stay away. The question is ‘really from what?’ The list of books to read is piling up, the tasks at work are my high, and the expected social obligations are far pending. All these negativity shows in my talk and the loved ones take the full brunt. And shocking thing is I don’t remember realizing feeling sorry about it. I hate that, I hate myself and I hate life in general. The feeling is like, listening to the ‘singing-sisters of north’ all day and seeing Salman/ Simbhu act for it. In repeat! I want anonymity. I want a life- makeover. I want someone else to live my life!