Sunday, January 2, 2011

Always balance is the equilibrium

Dear Daisy.

I’m writing this on the go – no editing, no alterations and no fanciness. This is going to be a monologue, almost like how I might talk if ever I voice these thoughts. I’m writing this not as a fictional piece or for any literary value. These are certain practical day-to-day thoughts that have crossed my mind and have been brewing for some time now. I have analyzed and understood, so saying, to the extent my sittrarivu will let me understand. (You see my vision is limited only to the extent I can see). I’m doing this in the hope that in some time to come (the quintessential vantage point) we (or just you) might come across these and a) wonder what incidents lead me to write these b) read out loud and laugh how naïve and stupid I have been c) can end up discussing these and you accepting or refuting these claims (though personally nothing would thrill me if you can argue impartially on any topic, but that’s an aside for another day, another Daisy note). Anyway what I want to disclaim upfront is that, the ‘You’ I keep mentioning may not be you actually and the ‘I’ I keep bringing up need not be me essentially.

You will keep hearing from me, hopefully.

Ahem! How do I start? This is seemingly difficult to talk to you, not knowing what your thoughts and background are. But in one way, it is fun as you would be like my sounding board with whom I can say what I want, without really worrying about what impression I’m creating. Anyway this is going to be a little rocky until we find a good platform. Until then I’m humbly requesting you to please bear with me.

You know, until recently, I was under the belief that ‘giving space’ and ‘not caring’ are both the same. To make you understand from where I come from and how I got here, this is a short background - I grew in a household where they set up all the stage for me and only the performance part was all we were expected to take care. That was good until some time when we started voicing out that we would take care of the preps also. But I need to record this too, either by practice or behavior we were asked ‘How you’ve done?’ and we answered in appropriate details regarding the same. So it was ‘giving space’ and ‘caring’ in proper proportions. But after leaving the cocoon, different methods of madness were introduced to me and I started, as expected, to get confused. Either you care or you don’t, space or not. That became my motto. Pretty Black and White, if you ask me now. But lately in the company that I keep, the clear boundary is being violated and funnily enough, there is no no-man’s land. If you get extraordinary space filled with nothing, no words, no comforts and no support, you wouldn’t value the space/ freedom. You will start feeling lonely and un-cared for. And to make things worse, when you care, it goes unnoticed and starts to become an over-head. Almost nagging like! When people belittles someone you love and care, the one who doesn’t heed to your care, you obviously feel sorry for them and even a little angry at times. When you point it out to them and beg them to understand (that had they listened to you they wouldn’t have to hear the scolds), or rather make you understand regarding their behavior, you get shouted down. They feel you are spoon-feeding and they want to be left well alone. Confusing to you, right? To me too! Now the situation is ‘their space’ equals ‘your not caring’.

Now-a-days: I say ‘Walk’ and you walk. You stagger but walk nevertheless. I say ‘Run’ and you do dutifully. Only you don’t know when to stop and you hit a pole and I pick you up and comfort. Next time I say ‘Walk till the pole’ and still you run head first into the pole and I comfort you. I keep saying the same and you keep doing the same. One fine day you walk around the pole. You don’t remember that it was I who advised you to do that. You believe you learnt to do what you had to do and don’t understand/ believe my role in it. But all in all I feel elated, due credited or not, simply because I love you. Perhaps this, or perhaps recent experience – don’t know which – shines light on this angle. It doesn’t matter that you should remain in the shadows or light, as, as long you carry the care and love in your heart, you should (learn to) be happy. So I think what I’m saying is even though the ones you love get hurt you shouldn’t feel sorry for them or angry at them, but rather set the stage in such a way that they should be able to learn/understand .Probably, this might lessen the hurting you feel because they are hurt.

So: Fall, stand up, move on - Learn! I promise I will be there, not to say ‘Don’t fall’ but to say ‘it’s okay. Let’s do it once more in someother way’. I, wiping away my tears will have to remain private.

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