Saturday, August 26, 2006

Alright, still

...As far as I can trace back and remember, life was meaningful and fun for the first few years, until that one fateful day - that day when playfully my world got changed. Forever! I did not know about it then. I took them to be my friends and play-mates though they were so very much elder to me. I literally started to live and play with them. I was so innocent and young to analyze if it was anything different and unfortunately,I began to enjoy that life.

Now, I don’t even remember some of them from that gang of 6 or 7 or maybe 8. But the ways they thought me, the games we indulged in are strongly imbibed in me, like carvings in a stone. I was introduced to the stuff at an age, when rational questioning came next to having fun. So for some days, when my heart craved for that means and actions, my mind did not point it out to be any different, because I was not aware of it being different. In-fact, the realization was very painful and heart-wrenching. How could ‘they’ do that to me, that too at that small age? I had so many questions, but so few answers; though I knew I had one thing, a burden for life that I have to endure. I was like a lump of clay or wax and ‘they’ made me take this form. Now, the candle has melted and the clay-doll has lost its moisture and is broken. There have been countless days and nights, I used to spend up crying and lamenting over the way I’m; and that, it’s not very charming to be different like this. Not that I had much choice, but with all these crying and stuff, there was some truth about my life. An irrefutable truth – my mind longed for it and I began to accept myself for what I was. I started to seek solace in the arms of like minded people; of them some traveling in this lane out of their own choice and consent; some cause of reasons similar to mine; and some others due to reasons much worse.

Sometimes I wonder if there was ever a God. If He was real and existent, He would not have let this happen and I would ask Him this, “How come the Angel you sent to watch over me failed me in this? How could she not realize, I’m going through all this and not recognize the changes? She was with me in all my highs and lows, and helped me put things straight, but where was she when I was being shaped like this?” But other times I do feel that God exists. Though He had taken away from me the normal pleasures of life, He had been lavish in providing me with friends – great friends. Touch wood. If not been for them, I would be long gone, miserably succumbing to the pressures of the past. It is only with their constant support, patient ears and tender hearts but stronger minds that I am, what I’m today.

Alright, but still some days I feel terrible - with the thought of being deprived of that one real companion who would support and understand me emotionally, physically, mentally, and will promise to be with me throughout my life; - with the knowledge that I will never be in a meaningful relationship that has a future, progeny and lot many other things; - with the injustice of all this that I’m made to suffer for no fault of mine. It’s not like the world I’m in does not involve all these things. It sure does and I have a wonderful time too. But,...you know, for my emotional needs I still look for a...!It ain't gonna happen (sigh)! Anyways, lets just say, some times it does hurt. I don’t know if it would do any good to anybody knowing the truth, about me. I guess it would not - especially, not to my family and some special people will definitely not be able to take it. But life goes on as it never ends, why not have some fun in the ride...though,you know...Oh! You don't know!


Ironically, the so called civilized-and-intellectual-time stands a silent witness to these painful and crude realities. A blank noise. Indeed, it is a not-so-good-world after all.

P.S: May not be exactly true or correct. May differ from one to ‘other’.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ennala mudiyala...

Anonymous said...

read it for the 100th time... cannot stop crying...

yeshudeep said...

Akila. Take it from me.. U are a terrific writer. I would like to see u publish ur works too.

Trinethra said...

Ohh thanks deepak...glad u liked it