Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Nothing matters where everything is important...

...or is it the other way around. Anyways about today - I did not feel like doing anything. I was not up to sitting idle. I remembered wanting to upload songs in IPod. I realized I had a code deadline. I grumbled to make the decision on what to cook. I regretted having to decide what stocks to buy next. I cried hard when I was very happy. I remained restless when I became sad. I wanted to be in company. I plugged on my head-phones to drown out the conversations. I feared I’m reaching OCD. I planed to sign up for yoga. I wished my unused gym membership would get a full refund. I tried to paint my words sharp and bright. I pictured black and white. I felt very hungry. I despised the sight of food. I fell in and out of love, becoming aware of one, when the other happened. I had a nightmare involving ocean waves. I confessed I loved fall of waters deeply. I waited, searched, pled for some idea to strike, so that I had something to write about. My mind was filled with a whole bunch of scrap life. I wanted to love everyone the same way I perceived them to love me. I wanted to lie down and sleep. I felt like going to a party. I fought to remain silent. I think I said something, in my head or aloud, I couldn’t be sure.

I know what I want. I believe I know what I want. I would like to hold on to that thought, especially on days like these, when there is a constant struggle between wanting to do something and searching for that will to do the same thing. Is this a narcissistic deficiency to consciously give in to the pull of two dominant egos? I’m feeling nothing is worth-while in life, running the risk of sounding a tad like a nihilist. Maybe, I’m so! But that does not help me much. I want to erase everything and begin anew. Can I? More importantly, will I?

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