Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I’m a genius...

...when it comes to coming up with better comebacks once after the conversation is over. Stray thoughts may bring forth some memory or the other, where I would wish I had responded in some other way, than what has already been done or said. I'd go like, ‘Damn! This is what I should have said. What was I thinking saying that?’

Few memories are fine as they are whereas some others bother me in hindsight. I don’t really know why it matters when it doesn’t and couldn’t matter no more.

Yet still, for certain instances in my past, if given a chance again, I think I would react differently or say something more profound. But I’m not sure if what I say or do now would be totally satisfactory or if it would lack at a later retrospection.

Then why do I feel that way? Why do I feel the urge to change? Maybe, by trying to change what has happened, I'm looking at ways to – leave a lasting impression? Change the perception of me? Prove my intellect better? Find more answers?

Or is it an attempt to find a closure? Is it an inability to live in the moment? Or is it living too much in the moment to radically think of the future? Or is it purely whimsical or abnormal or just an insane attempt to change the present by trying to change the past?

Over-analyzing does kill. It kills the fun. While doing that mentally (in all the sense of the word) I might lose few instants of concentration in the present, which would eventually give food for future introspection. Sounds like a vicious cycle.

Mother said to me once, ‘Life should be lived, really, not just in head...’. But if I’m to heed to that, I’m going to need a newer obsession.

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