Friday, August 17, 2007

Thinking aloud

I hate it when things don’t go the way I want them to go. Certain things, if it is not like what I had imagined it to be or what I wish it should be, then I don’t like them. Those things may not even be so important or significant enough to be bothering myself with. Like for instance the way I arrange specific objects around my house - if someone happens to change it, I don’t like that. This I can somehow adjust. But when the issues I get touchy about happen to include the people I love, it bothers me, sometimes. Well, to be honest with you, it affects me deeply and it affects me all the time. I have realized it many times, yet, neither have I stopped expecting people to act in the way I like nor do I seem to accept them fully for what they are. It upsets me more. This makes me wonder, is my love for them real or do I only love them for what I think they are. In those instance when I feel disappointed in them for not being to my liking, do I love them less? Is my love for them conditional and tainted? This scares me a lot. Do I see them, to represent me in some way to world and am I embarrassed that I’m not living up to own level; or do I think, during that same situation, had I had a chance truly to myself, I would present myself in some other way, probably a better way, than I’m being partly portrayed by them? Is the fear of, me being poorly judged by the world that disturbs me? Or is it because I’m concerned about the way they would be judged, and ergo I would be looked upon as? Or is it plainly the vile nature of myself to be controlling everything and everybody around?

P.S: May be because of this trait that I hate many books and movies, which are otherwise highly acclaimed.


Harini said...

Me too me too...
BTW does sundar ji read your blogs?

Akila R said...

i guess :)