Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Weird it is..

I was tagged by the Master-writer to write six weird things about myself...
So here it goes...
  • I have a strange liking for proverbs. I feel they are the moral-of-the-story of some pure and unadulterated experiences. Two of my favorites..,
    • Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts
      Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours!
    • Thankku vandhathan theriyum kaaichalum thalavaliyum
      (Which, loosely translated would mean, to get to know how it actually feels, one has to experience it)

  • Whenever I’m feeling dispirited, disturbed, depressed, dented, demented (in short, any grey emotions), I loose all my words; But I find them when I write – something, anything (sense or nonsense)

  • I never like what I write/wrote. My characters have no names and I believe I have a short coming in exactly transforming happy emotions into words.

  • I’m extremely and embarrassingly shy when it comes to talking in front of a strange audience and accepting gifts.

  • I like oceans, rains, waterfalls, sprinklers, rivers, drizzles, streams and springs. But I’m slightly hydrophobic.

  • When I have dreams (not the day dreams, but the real dream dreams), I have a strange sense that I can actually see myself dreaming it, and when the course of the dream is not what I like/prefer I can at will alter it. I usually wake up immediately after that. Was I dreaming or thinking?

Sunday, July 2, 2006

To be or not to be..

Prompt:My mind, my life, my world.

Unrequited. Still certain words and phrases catch our attention, sometimes even when we are not listening in. And the restless mind seeming to be waiting for this piece starts to make a journey on its own. So is the case with her, right now. Her mind is like a wall with graffiti-ed thoughts; remembering every phrase in great detail; like a zone of mixed emotions; a black hole.Over hearing people talk, she is drifting off to a conversation with herself.

'....over and out....'

‘How is she feeling now?’ One of her visitors asks.
‘No one knows how she is feeling. She should either speak up or at least show some emotion, in any form. This staying shut up is doing her no good.’ Grandma rambles on.

What can she say? How she possibly let every one down? How she failed?
She is tongue-tied now. What can she say? Anything at all about the embalmed feelings! When all concerned are far, far away, never to return! It has now become some kind of a reflex. If someone asks, ‘How are you?’ she replies, ‘Fine’. If the question is, ‘Are you happy?’ she immediately says, ‘Yea!’ which may be far from truth.

‘……stop talking about this nonsense……crap....boring...’

‘All she should do right now is eat well and take ample rest. But in this busy world...’ Grandma is still going on.

'...busy...'

She has always had time for people she deeply cared. And it turned out to be a mistake to expect the same in return. Suicidal. No, no. It was suicide when she realized what was happening. It was suicide when she actually spoke it out. Someone once wisely said, ‘It is, but, their choices’

Yes. It was her choice, then. To confess. And now she is reaping the rich gains of her folly. She is not able to accept the fact that her air-castle is so brutally and so coldly demolished. Also she keeps thinking that she is not to be blamed entirely and solely for everything that is happening.

'....by a net....m like water...'

All she wanted was some quality time and few kind words. Whatever she got in return were rejection, neglect, regardless words, and sarcasm.

‘It is true. I do too. Loads!’

All those empty words. She has always had a weakness for words. But those were not some carelessly strewn words. Instead they were carefully chosen phrases that are sure to have touched anybody's heart. Some willful. Some misleading.

'Nothing to lose. Nothing to gain.'

Neutrality is like saying, ‘I don't care'. Now she has got nothing. No shoulder to lean on. No soul to truthfully say, ‘hang on’. She stares long at the silent mobile of hers. This had been the only means of contact. But it’s been dead for quite some days now. Maybe it knew of its owner end and preceded her as a truthful aide.

'...of course...catch u later'

Her mom comes near, touches her forehead to feel the temperature. Though her mother says nothing, she can see the pain in her eyes; the pain of seeing her daughter in such evident trouble. She has never let her mother down. Not that she remembers of. Not in her 23 years of truthful existence. But now she is left with little choice. She is no more the truthful daughter, nor does her existence holds any point. 'I'm sorry, ma' she mumbles.

‘I’m so sorry. I’m helpless.’

She is now a prisoner within her own shell. She retreats into her cocoon and the enveloping emptiness does not help much in relieving her from the pain and the memory. She drifts into an uneasy but a forceful sleep.

'...it is a forceful no...'

She feels a cold touch on her cheeks and she opens her eyes to see her dad sitting next to her, gently tapping on her shoulders as if singing a wordless lullaby. Now seeing she is awake, he helps her to sitting position, and gives her the tablets for her fever. But an ailment he knows not is tormenting his daughter. He is still unawares that some deep pining is all that’s the cause; that the suppressed and repressed feelings and emotions are boiling up and torturing her. He assuringly says, 'Don’t worry. No fear! Everything will be all right soon'

'.....fear of...Fear of....fear..'

Fear! A wonderfully absurd word. No further questions after hearing someone say that. A word beyond any rational justification. Seeing that his daughter is no longer listening to him, her dad slowly kisses her a good night and silently leaves the room.

'...angel...'

Wonder if angels are living people? Maybe they do exist in the fairy land. A land where prayers are still answered; where things are always what they seem; where there is still respect and dignity of self. Maybe such a land is itself a fairy dream.

‘Maybe ……….it is not true. Maybe ...…….don’t matter. Maybe …..…… not even a close….’

Maybe she will wake up tomorrow to realize that it has all been a dream, a bad dream. Maybe she will wake up tomorrow having to face another long, essentially purposeless day, an aimless journey, struggling with the memory of the past. Maybe she will not wake up at all!

'......its too late for anything.....'

'Yes.' she accepts with deepest remorse. 'Sadly, it is.'

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Unlove

Disclaimer: Not an original work!

At first I seemed to like it. Later got to know the actual source and the intent..it doesnt seem interesting anymore.....repulsive....ugh :(
So just removing the content, but the post just stays for the old time sake...

Mirage!

Prompt: How I won my ship back?

Once there lived a little girl. She was very simple and naïve. She did all the things her masters ever asked her to do. Very truthful, her zest for life was remarkable. From morning till night she enjoyed every moment and lived her life to the fullest. She was very friendly, approachable and fun to be with. She had very few close friends, but she cared for them deeply.

She had one peculiar habit. She loved that tall window in her palace, which offered a nice view of the town below. She used to spend some time everyday standing by that window, going through the events of the day or thinking about something or just thinking about nothing. She never did that on purpose and she was never able to concentrate on one particular thing. Though she did not even know why she was doing it, she did it nevertheless. This was her way of communicating to herself, reaching to the Princess inside her. Her every wish, her failures, her secrets – the window sills knew it all. She would hold on to it and stare at the view aimlessly till it grew dark outside.

Then one day, when she was silently enjoying her silence, the site of him crossing the street, caught her attention. He was tall, handsome and sweet looking. She took an instant liking to the Prince. Life was never the same again for her. Every day she used to wait for him to pass through her place.

It took him merely few minutes to cross her place. But it was like a year to her. She lived her hours for those minutes. She was obsessed by him. She felt claustrophobic in her palace. As the days passed, she started liking everything about him. Insanely; Dangerously! She was so blindly and deeply in love with him that she could sense his presence even at a distance. By his smell, by his voice, she did not know. How she wanted those strong hands to hold hers; those lips on hers; his warmth to expel her mist? She smiled to herself. Her garden was in full bloom. She experienced bliss. Completely! Life was colorful. She felt the birds and rivers sang only for her.

She felt, he was everything, and everything was him! And he in turn seemed to enjoy the attention. Passed on those lovely messages to her; would turn around and give her one of his naughtiest smiles, every time he caught her eyes. Not a day passed when they did not meet, when they did not feel for each other, all the while becoming an integral part of each others life. The moment of separation each day was painful, but with that came the hopes and dreams of the next day; and life till that moment was a boring drag.

But one day, he did not come, and she missed him. That continued for a few days and she missed him badly. When that prolonged for months she began to worry about him. Whoever said, out of sight, then out of mind, was an idiot. His memory in her kept haunting her everyday and she felt only during his absence from her life, he started growing in her more. Than ever! And one day he came along. She ran the lengths of her palace to greet him as usual. He smiled back at her as usual, dutifully. She was happy but slightly disturbed by the presence of his friend at his side. She reasoned out that they could be general acquaintance. And when this accompaniment followed, she became worried and spoke about this to her friends. They said what she dreaded to hear. What she had stubbornly refused to accept, all along.

She felt terrible at the loss. At the same time she was incensed. How could he ever leave her? She hated him. She loved him. She did not know what went wrong. Were things assumed? Was it a cold betrayal? Was it just another ploy of fate? Whatever, anyone said or did did nothing to allay the feeling of lost - of losing someone so precious and heart-fully possessed. Only then she realized how deeply she loved him, and how he was much more than a love to her. He had been her life!

As like the ultimate Master, her master had other plans for her too. Suddenly everything changed. She was denied speech. She was denied right to her thoughts about him. It was tough; tougher than holding her own breathe; even tougher than the urge to drink water when thirsty. She wanted to put and end. An end to everything - to herself! But realized she couldn’t do it. For the sake of her master. For the sake of the Prince.

She was torn. Neither was she able to settle and bury the love; nor was she able to stop it growing. She was alive for the sake of living, and she was living because she was still alive. Everything everywhere looked normal and abnormal. A thing that turned her on, the same thing turned her off. All wanted her to stop that way of her living. All of them, whom she loved deeply, who loved her deeply wanted her to stop things abruptly, before she ended up with more hurt and the ensuing regret. So she made a choice. The choice was to lose. To lose him! To lose to him! And in that losing she won back her life.

GATES OF MEMORIES REFUSED TO CLOSE
HOW I MISSED U, NO ONE KNOWS
DAYS PASSED ON LIKE YEARS
I REMEMBERED U IN MY SILENT TEARS
GOOD BYE. AH, SAVANT PRINCE!

Now she stares long into the space. Her eyes are unfocused, unlike her thoughts. The birds still sing, but melancholic tunes. The river still flows serenely, but in an apathetic pace. One thing different is that a small blotch in the corner of the paper which grew to occupy the entire side is now restricted, controlled and pushed aside to stay in the corner. Forever! The stain still present, nonetheless!

Tears, well up in her eyes! A tear, drops down, in the memory of the Prince. That one drop spills into million drops. Avalanche! She can still sense him in the air.

At a distance, faintly, she hears the temple bells toll, jerking her back to reality. She bids a farewell to the window sills, gives a final glance to the path where she first met him, and moves away wiping her tears. She now has got a kingdom to rule. And a life to live!

The window sill rattles in the chill evening drizzle, as if calling back to her saying, ‘Not by winning alone can one truly win!’

Monday, June 12, 2006

Naked truths!

Unto him I took!
Not a mere existence,
lived to full!
The ship- a dear pal,
turned to all whim,
reacted to every desire.

Agnized a liking!
Epiphany?
Violent strom?

Sail drags to the unknown.
I'm torn!
The mast is him.

The pole snaps.
I'm pushed
into the quick sand.

The slushy depths,
green waters -
Upsetting dream
I surface enough,
to look around.

I reach out -
to hold the ship.
The current, or
my tears?
Washes it ashore.
Close my eyes.

Take a deep breathe.
Fighting the void,
trembling slightly,
against the pressing vaccum,
open them -
the prisoners escape
as the path's wide open.

Sudden flash of light,
I shelter in shame.
But want to look.
I can hear -
Showering words
pleading, demanding
- to fret and then to forget.
All egg me on,
to keep going.

Alas!
So does the mast!
The lament still echo loudly
In the ears that listens

I want to hurt,
I want to help!

Its cold and freezing.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

அறிந்தும் அறியாததும்..,

எதை மனத்தால் உணர முடியாதோ,
ஆனால் ‍-
எதனால் மனம் உணரப் பெறுகின்றதோ
அதுவே ப்ரம்மம் என்று தெரிந்துகொள்!!!

உபனிஷதம்

Friday, May 26, 2006

Black Rose!

Knowing it, is ripping the heart out..
Tears, not dissolving the memories..
Pretentiously trying to exude happiness,
but the truth stalking every minute-like
a thorn.
An open cut!

Maybe destiny is not a hoax..
Blaming that to ease the pain..
Soothingly affirming to the soul,
there is still more to life- like
in a rose.
Just a scar!

In the heart and mind,
emotions are like seasonal change.
At the start, new and pleasant. Enjoy!
Some days cloudy and gray. Doubt!
Rain and light. Revel!
Then calm! Move away!
Thunderstorm. Deny!
Now the thoughts -
Slush! Murky!
All in the same heart and mind.

Only deafening silence reigns.
But, inside - roaring voices,
flashing memories! Conflicts -
between own dimensions.

Making desperate attempt, to
loosen the wrought iron grip..
Break free of the shackles -
tying the hands opening the gift..
Evade the conventional bonds..
Eluding the feeling of guilt..
Run from the pressing thoughts..
Float around - and
move far far away from the crowd.

But wherever I go,
even in the darkness of the dark..
I will be there.