Neurotic

I need something right now, right at this moment, to calm my sparking nerves. I don’t know what I am really angry about, but I’m very, very upset about something. Today is one of those days, where even a slightest provocation could kindle the “sleeping volcano” inside. My back hurts very badly and I hate my couch, bed and chair. I hate the patronizing ‘wemails’, a scheming way to suck up more blood. I despise the cold fog settling in and I don’t like the damp feeling inside the house because of this. I dislike depending on someone, really anyone, for anything. Lately, I’m wanting to be a part of something, knowing I would hate being part of. I’m hearing things whose knowledge I’m better off without. I’m obsessing about wanting to be something; well, not as soon as in a blink of an eye, but in the duration of maybe, I don’t know, as soon as possible? I’m foolishly, planning and dreaming of being something, I’m not yet. At the moment, I ardently hate most of things around - smiling faces, whispering voices, the rain that’s pounding the windows, the chill in my feet, someone’s indecent overdose of cologne and my current disposition. Somehow the loud creaking noise from the neighbors chair, the dog’s barks and the scratch of sharp tip against the white board, the loud slurping of coffee by the person in the next cubicle, fail to me annoy me today. I can go on listing it and I don’t feel like doing that. I’m hungry; I’m too depressed to think about cooking; and I’m also angry at all the food supplies available at home/ office. Ah the house! The house is so messed up, aided generously by the other half. And weirdly I’m finding calm in cleaning up the messy trail. I want to quit, take a break and rather stay away. The question is ‘really from what?’ The list of books to read is piling up, the tasks at work are my high, and the expected social obligations are far pending. All these negativity shows in my talk and the loved ones take the full brunt. And shocking thing is I don’t remember realizing feeling sorry about it. I hate that, I hate myself and I hate life in general. The feeling is like, listening to the ‘singing-sisters of north’ all day and seeing Salman/ Simbhu act for it. In repeat! I want anonymity. I want a life- makeover. I want someone else to live my life!

I wish I would say this from my vantage point

Speaking from the vantage point of ten years, she describes their married life as blissful.

I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself supremely blest—blest beyond what language can express; because I am my husband’s life as fully as he is mine. No woman was ever nearer to her mate than I am: ever more absolutely bone of his bone, and flesh of his flesh. I know no weariness of my his society: he knows none of mine, any more than we each do of the pulsation of the heart that beats in our separate bosoms; consequently, we are ever together. To be together is for us to be at once as free as in solitude, as gay as in company. We talk, I believe, all day long: to talk to each other is but a more animated and an audible thinking. All my confidence is bestowed on him, all his confidence is devoted to me; we are precisely suited in character—perfect concord is the result.

~ Jane Eyre(Chapter XXXVIII)

In the background: Tune

Apt expression of my emotion!

MY cocoon tightens, colors tease,
I ’m feeling for the air;
A dim capacity for wings
Degrades the dress I wear.

A power of butterfly must be
The aptitude to fly,
Meadows of majesty concedes
And easy sweeps of sky.

So I must baffle at the hint
And cipher at the sign,
And make much blunder, if at last
I take the clew divine.

~ E.D

Accounted?

Does it really count as winning, when you win against a weak opponent or when you win unopposed? And does it count as victory, when you feel guilty about it?

I'm noticing

'Akkam pakkam yaarum illa' and 'Urugude marugudhe' songs have very similar start

"Namma nezhal irukke, adha madhichu thorathina, namma vitu velagi velagi than pogum. Ada che po! nu thirumbi nadandha ozhunga namma pinnadi varum" - This is very true!

This bit of 'Kannodu kaanbadhellam' (0:22s) resembles/is from a very famous Murugan song(0:23s)

In HP, at the end of OoTP how did Snape communicate and alert the order from Hogwarts. If he has used Patronus, did anyone find it wierd that his is a doe? You think atleast Sirius would have noticed that!

Orbit Wintermint tastes like 'Gopal pal podi'

To see someone saying 'Cool' and appear so Un-cool when saying that, watch Sivaji! Can’t comment more on ‘buddy’! I sincerely hope he sticks with things that suit him better - ‘Lakalakalakkkaa’ and such.

Sincere tears can melt anybody

Thinking aloud

I hate it when things don’t go the way I want them to go. Certain things, if it is not like what I had imagined it to be or what I wish it should be, then I don’t like them. Those things may not even be so important or significant enough to be bothering myself with. Like for instance the way I arrange specific objects around my house - if someone happens to change it, I don’t like that. This I can somehow adjust. But when the issues I get touchy about happen to include the people I love, it bothers me, sometimes. Well, to be honest with you, it affects me deeply and it affects me all the time. I have realized it many times, yet, neither have I stopped expecting people to act in the way I like nor do I seem to accept them fully for what they are. It upsets me more. This makes me wonder, is my love for them real or do I only love them for what I think they are. In those instance when I feel disappointed in them for not being to my liking, do I love them less? Is my love for them conditional and tainted? This scares me a lot. Do I see them, to represent me in some way to world and am I embarrassed that I’m not living up to own level; or do I think, during that same situation, had I had a chance truly to myself, I would present myself in some other way, probably a better way, than I’m being partly portrayed by them? Is the fear of, me being poorly judged by the world that disturbs me? Or is it because I’m concerned about the way they would be judged, and ergo I would be looked upon as? Or is it plainly the vile nature of myself to be controlling everything and everybody around?

P.S: May be because of this trait that I hate many books and movies, which are otherwise highly acclaimed.

I'm done

....labeling all my posts so far. All them fell neatly into 14 categories and I'm planning to stick by it for some more time to come. All this being done, no new ideas for a meaningful post. But atleast all those of you who visit this place, attest your presence and leave a line, and if possible any possible develop-able ideas/hints too