Keeping the good ones

I started the last new year watching 'Eclipse'.

Other than serving the purpose of providing an insignificant opening statement to this post that line is completely irrelevant.

The whole past year,true to every new year, was usual, with all the hopes and dreams and surprises and disappointments and the eventual winding down.

But the year will stay in the memory depending on what we take away from it, depending on what we stow away as the year of 2011. Isn't it?

The 'neglected resolutions' will be forgotten but will be remodel-ed as the "new" years to-do. The 'pain of long distance' can be remembered for all the realizations that it made possible. The 'guilt of unconventional leaning for support' will be surely in memory as the 'depth of friendship and extent of trust'. The 'home-sick separation' makes the list for it assisted in deriving the courage for more responsibilities. The 'charade of crying-yelling-crying-guilt-doubts' though mildly irritating at present will become alright when in some future time I think 'Yes. I did it right and early'. The 'failures and set-backs' will be forgotten when the set-backs are set right later. The 'constant struggle to love, to lose, to fight, to forgive, to tone-down, to understand, to relate, to get what you want, to bear, to shape and bend, to get all that from the other' and all the added etceteros will be all fine when some day in old age you still have the hand to hold and walk and talk. The 'harsh words spoken in disappointment and anger' will be forgiven when eyes are lowered in answer to righteous greetings in a successful future. The 'certain nontransferable burdens that makes you want to run away' will seem a lot of lighter in the years to come for its always lovely to be depended upon implicitly, unconditionally. The 'first sighting of the first gray hair'... well.... there is no good spin to that. Some times somethings are just that.

There are only certain ways to deal with the life. According to me, one is to resist it and continue resisting. Two is to resist it but eventually wear down get used to what you actually resisted and become it. The third is to accept what it is and adapt.

No one can do just one of the above their whole life. Every common man will face situations in life when he has/had to judge and choose an appropriate approach.

But whatever life throws at you and however you deal with it, the proverbial 'lesson' from all that will, summarily, be somewhat a soft-blow, less painful,more happy, ecstatic memories of all the mixed emotions we went through for the whole 365 days.

We all wish that all the "happy" wishes we receive for the first few days of the new year will come true and we will be all "prosperous, healthy and hearty". Well that's the hope. But like sugar and spice, light and day, there will be some bitterness to the happiness too. So if things are not all good and gooey, where ever possible we all , at some level, try to give a nice and bearable title and contents. And that prepares us for the new years to come.

So here's to keeping the good ones.

Happy new year 2012.

Row, row, row your boat gently down stream...Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily..(for) life is but a dream.

New year comes a day early.

How would you like it if someone says you can live a whole day without having to go through with it?

You might think they are hungover. Or you probably would think they are doing some high-kidding.

But it is true and it is happening.

There will be no Friday, Dec 30th in the calendar for some people in the world. Two nations, Samoa and Tokelau, are going to miss that whole day. For them after the Thursday night its going to be a New Year's Eve day.

Full story here.

Walk the walk...

December 10 has always been special to me, for that one singular memory.

And, today I have one more reason to rejoice. My brother has successfully graduated and did his commencement walk today. I remember the baby boy growing up into a young master. Now he is a Mr. Brother with a Master degree.

Funny, time flies.

Perfect 5 minutes

Rainy, gloomy outside.

Inside warm comforter looking at the pounding rain.

Coffee and Samosa.

Anal mele pani thuli....

One verse a day

I have wanted forever to learn Lalitha Sahasranamam. My Mom always encouraged me to learn it, more after my wedding and even more after having a daughter. The Navarathiri season usually gets me all excited. I listen to the Saharasnamam recital many times and try to catch and remember the verses. But somehow I don't seem to progress well and the enthu wanes after a while.

I remember how I learnt the Vishnu Sahasranamam. During college, every Sunday, fellow students who have learnt the slokam aksharasudham will meet and chant the verses in the Saraswathi temple. I would just go and sit in the Mandir at that time, just to listen. I woudn't even attempt to read/ join. I would close my eyes and concentrate on the words of the many voices sounding as one. One can actually feel the calm descending upon the surrounding with each reverberating verse. I would feel all peaceful and collected after that hour. And hearing the Sahasranamam for many, many weeks during that four years somehow registered it in me. Now I can chant the verses by-heart and phonetically correct.

I would love for a similar experience now too.

There are so many great benefits from chanting the Lalitha Sahasranamam, as it is mentioned here. My Mom swears she heard in some TV channel someone saying that reciting the Lalitha mandhiram is said to specifically reduce occurance of headaches in the chantee. Personally, I find it to be a good therapy for the mood. It is a greater form of meditation, to recite the verses in the specified metre. It calms the senses and increases the level of self-awareness. The poetic verses brings in front of your eyes the divine form of God in all Her feminine wonder.

As any one knows, only pure dedication and bhakthi will help in learning the great slokam. I'm not sure how much of either of them I have in me. But I'm beginning anyways, hoping that I find the needed dedication to continue and that I will experience the increase in faith somewhere on the way.

The best way to learn a slokam is to go to a guru, they say. But I'm having to take the Internet as my Guru and have started again today.

I pray that She gives me the strength. Om!

Some questions to free the mind - Finale

The final 20.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Not in a long time.

32. If not now, then when?

10 mins ago.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

My peace of mind!

This reminds me of a saying of my grandma’s ‘Maraththadi Pillaiyar pozhudhum pogum, road la pora panni pozhudhum pogum’, meaning the day begins and ends for everyone no matter how important or insignificant you are, its what you do in-between that matters. And that’s the difference.

34. Have you ever been with someone,said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

I’m still looking for that one person. My friend, my conscience, my enabler!

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

I’m not religious enough to understand that.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Yes it is possible. Depends on where you look at it from.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Ha! I have done so for much less.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

I wouldn’t mind more work that I enjoy doing, as long as it is stimulating enough.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Every day!

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Soft glow of hope, the auspicious seven steps into matrimony.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I will kill myself today.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No not really. Although in early adolescence I wish I were a famous celebrity (for what reason is embarrassing to tell even now…hehehe)

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

My art of living would be to with no expectations (and so no disappointment) and with acceptance of what comes. Harmony, peace and being truthful to your self!

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

I guess that's never for me.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

The lessons are bitter, that’s why.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Yes. I’m beginning to learn to do that. But surprisingly it’s taking a lot of effort to not care. It’s exhausting.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

That one time I lay beneath the surgical lighting on a cold hard table with someone tugging at me before I heard a sharp cry of birth.

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

Sadly no. I have not got one “thing” on which I have an undying love. My passion fizzles easily.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

No.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I’m not insulated from others. My decisions are a collaboration of opinions and somehow one of them finally makes the cut, whose being irrelevant.

And here’s from where they are all.

Some questions to free the mind - Part II

Some more......

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

It should. I can’t for the life of me figure out why sometimes the things that make me happy irritate the others. But that’s their problem.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?

Learn to write with left hand.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Yes of course.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Scotland, maybe! No reason. I liked it when I vacationed there. Otherwise I’m happy in my place.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Nope. Neither do I push/press the door-close button immediately when someone gets out. I hate it when someone does that. Can’t you wait for 2 seconds than to shut the doors on the person’s feet?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton. The little known the better.

22. Why are you, you?

I wish I knew.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Yes.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

To me it would be - I moving away and then losing touch with that one good friend who saw me through the worst and with whom there was real future. C, I miss you more than I can say. Do you even think of me?

25. What are you most grateful for?
For lots of things. Specially my child and the assorted rest are here.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Neither. I’m masochistic that way.

27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Deep down we always know, even though some truths may never see the light of the day.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

I wish…no no pray… it wouldn’t.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

Come to think of it none of the matters I was upset about (except health issues) seem irrelevant this moment.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

Summer days spent with cousins in Mandhai, my grandmother’s house.

The final 20 and the source… next!

Some questions to free the mind

I was just blog-hopping. Then I happened to come across a website that had loads of interesting stuff. And from only there I found the following questions. It’s interesting to answer questions candidly.

I recommend everyone to try this.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Precisely 17 years and 6 months ready to start college.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Let’s see. Never trying means there are no failures and there’s that, except the one nag ‘Oh! I never tried’. But failing is obviously worst as it causes lots of heartache, tears, broken dreams etc - lots of nag.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

We do the latter simply because we are human and do the former simply to get through the day. If we don’t do either of them then there will be nothing to regret and then life would become ideal. Who wants that?

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

In all probability, yes. YES!

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Today is as good as it would get. So I think I would leave the world alone.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

No matter what work, just contentment in whatever I do would do. If I can brighten seeing butterflies, chase bubbles and sleep with a smile on my face I guess I would be rich (but chances are I would be branded ‘nut case’)

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I get by, by just plain practicality. That's how I choose and deal. Instead of chasing what I believe and instead of settling to what I get, I try to achieve the balance between. But I can assure that once the decision is made rather than intellectual detachment it will be all emotional evaluation of 'If i did the right thing'.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently

I wish to live it out carelessly, hoping that when the day comes I would be with no regrets. But knowing me, I probably will spend the days framing a huge list of un-finishable to-do items (places to see, thinks to do, see and read etc), with regrets that I’m wasting my last ten years whining about not completing the list. 40 or 100 don’t matter. I will be who I will be, unless lighting strikes.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

To no extent! As far as I can remember I have not chosen anything in my life at any point of it. Initially parents chose, now a husband is doing. Tomorrow I hope my son would. That makes me weirdly burden-less.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I’m concerned with doing the right things right. Else there is no point.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Just keep my silence. What they think of my friend is irrelevant to me. I would not let such chats cloud my view of the them or that friend being criticized.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Hold on to your innocence, sense of trust, ability to let go and try to be as happy as today with having only the basic of needs.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

In a heart- beat!

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Every day. More so, since I started playing ‘Building blocks’ and ‘Pretend’ games with my daughter.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

When someone asks ‘What are you’ I answer ‘Medium Beige’. That I think is something I do differently than most people.

More Q and my A, and the source of Q tomorrow.

Here’s why I don’t make resolutions.

When I quit my job (again!) last summer I had a whole list of things I had put down as to-do.

1. Read a book, at least one in a week
2. Write more often
3. Develop interest in some craft
4. Learn to cook more traditional from-grandma’s-kitchen recipes
5. …
6. ..

I don’t remember the rest of that huge list. I knew even when I jotted them down that I wouldn’t be able to do all that I’m setting myself up for. But I really hoped that I would at least try and succeed in one of the many. They seemed important yet pretty easy then.

Cut to six months later.

It so happens that the only reason I remember these four items are because these are the things that I’m most guilty about not trying.

Being at-home, it’s not like I don’t have the time. And it’s not like I have lots of free time either. Daily chore or important work, that being irrelevant, I have my hands full. I’m fully occupied throughout the day with one thing or the other. And in the daily grind of things, personal to-do lists, or in other words personal growth, seems to have a taken a back seat.

So I’m loaded with guilt for not pursuing my interests(?!?), embarrassed that I don’t have the needed will power for keeping up resolutions and irritated at why I even bother setting up goals and so on.

Anyways, that being the prelude, I was reading ‘By the river Piedra I sat down and wept’, which I’m attempting to finish for a long time. And yesterday a particular line struck me. Exercising the Other! The book advises us to release the “Other” from our being so that we can truly understand the point of “Living in the moment”.That surprisingly caught my attention.

{Aside:To state what would now be the obvious I have not proceeded any further with the book so I don’t know if my take is correct on what the Other is. But if ever I get the book renewed or rather if I ever get my Husband to renew the book for me (as the library card is in his name/ account; well apparently if you don’t own a credit card you don’t amount to much, not less rent/lend/loan a book) I hope I’m right in my understanding of it, as meant by the author.}

To confess, when I read the line "The exercise of the Other" I thought the Other could be anything; Anything at all that’s tying one down. Could be laziness, jealousy, hatred, anger, disappointment or just another vice.

I have lots of such, I know I’m deeply flawed as like any other if not more, and I have been carrying a lot of negativity in me. Mulling unwonted thoughts over and again so much that it has become a standard and it is, I feel, starting to tint my view of the world and people.

That leads me to think I would be a proper candidate for the exercising or rather exorcising the Other.

Negativity, if removed from the being what would be left, I’m curious to know. So I have decided to the ‘Exercise', to keep a log and me on track. So predictably, I hope to publish a daily status update kinda thing about what particularly strikes me every day as a problem (or situation or event). It could have another advantage too. Instead of churning the thoughts round and round in my mind I can pour it out here and try to clear my mind - kind of my own version of ‘Disassociative therapy’ (if there is one such. I think there is some: My dad used to tell me to view myself as a third person in times of stress so that I can objectively evaluate and gets things in perspective).

Realization is the first step toward understanding the problem and trying to find means to solve it.

And that’s “My Project 365”.

One day at a time.

{Aside: Is it mentioned anywhere in Harry Potter series that after Dumbledore and Snape store their memories in the Pensieve did they really forget about that? More like they had index in their mind and the actual content is in the Pensieve?}