whatchamacallit?

அடர்ந்த காடு. தனிமையில்,

துணைதேடி ஒரு பூமரம்.

பார்க்க வந்த ராஜன் வியந்தான்.

இது கலை! இது  காவியம்!

பலவாறு புகழ்ந்தான் .

மேலும் அழகாய் ஆக்க வியைந்தான்.

இலைகளின் சரசரப்பு இரைச்சலை வெறுத்தான்.

கிளைகள் ஆடம்பரம் எனக் களைந்தான்.

குளிர் நிழல் பொழுதுக்கும் தேவையில்லையே!

பொருளின்றி காயும் தண்டு  வீணென்று வெட்டினான்

“இதனால் நான் நானாக இல்லாமலே போவேனே!

இவ்வாறு புண்ணாக்கி இத்-தையல் தேவையா”?

கேட்ட மரத்திடம்: "ஒப்பற்று இருப்பாய்

நான் கலைஞன்,  நம்பு என வருத்தினான் !"

உயர்ந்து காற்றில் ஆடிய மரம்,

அமர்ந்து கதை பேசும் மேடை ஆனது.

கற்பனையா , மிகும்  காவியமா  என்று அறிஞர்கள்  விவாதிக்க

பேதமையே,வெறும்  சோதனையே  என்று  கிறுக்கர்கள்  கெஞ்சினார்கள்.

தன் விதி  நிலை  வெறுத்த  மரத்திடம்

ஒரு  பூச்செண்டு கொடுத்து;

"நான் என்ன செய்தேன், இன்னும்

உன்  வேர்  உன்னிடம் தானே  கேட்டான்"!

எதனால் ஏமாற்றம், எதற்குப்  பழி என்றான்!

Walk the walk...

December 10 has always been special to me, for that one singular memory.

And, today I have one more reason to rejoice. My brother has successfully graduated and did his commencement walk today. I remember the baby boy growing up into a young master. Now he is a Mr. Brother with a Master degree.

Funny, time flies.

One more month has gone...

... and even still nothing seem to have changed a lot. Everything happens to be the same. The mornings and noons and nights are just as predictable as the unpredictability of the weather around here. Ever same, is the frustrating feeling when sitting in front of the compose pane to write of all the wonderful ideas that hit you while in the shower and wonder where all them have gone.

But whining is not going to help, would it? No. So what... I don't know.

I'm low with the tiredness of a receding fever and Migraine. So all things in charge are in charge of the other-half now. Including the toddler. So before she comes back complaining 'Appa mertita', which could be any minute now if not sooner given the way they get along a full whole minute, I will try to write something here, just as an assurance that 'All izz well'

What do I write about?

Do I want to say about the way I'm starting to feel about the Ms? That she is all of a sister when she expresses if she likes or dislikes my dresses (every time she says 'beetipul' or 'eeee' I melt a little)? That she is all of a mother when she just easily predicts my mood and matter-of-fact suggests 'Amma kochi' (which nearly shames me every time when I take my emotions out on her)? No. She is my anchor and I can't do any justice by telling about her in just a few words.

Do I want to say about the promise I make to myself about a certain thing that I want to try out? Can I own it that I'm weak and lack the needed will power to experiment my ideas instead of postponing to next week Monday? No. That's another secret and literally my life and its associated happiness is tied to it.

Do I want to say about the fact that I worry about things when all I need to do was to let silent for a minute and get on ahead. That by being so, I feel, even though I could not repair the wobbly floors, at least I can try and not make it wobble a lot more? No. I don't think I even understand what I want to do fully.

Do I want to bitch about the fact that I see the 'not-have's' and miss all the little things which shows how much I do have? No. I have said that a lot and I think I'm never going to get over that vice.

Do I want to confess to everyone that I keep this blog as a form of rebellion? That I desperately want to be able to write so that I can, well at least, write if not talk into deaf ears. No. They are unheard anyways.

Then what the hell do I say? I don't know. My head is starting to ache again.

For some reason I miss temples much during such tiredness. Mylapore and Thiruvahindrapuram of my childhood memories. Nothing like a bumpy bus/auto ride when you are tired and there's nothing much that sweet temple air and its music won't do to soothe the soreness of body and mind. Come home to amma for a nice hot milagu rasam and a good night sleep to the tingles of the bedroom wind-chimes. God.

I need a Harry Potter or Twilight equivalent, if you know what I mean.

So ...um.... like... hmmmm...I don’t know...

That’s exactly how I’m struggling to bring out the words to write. Looks like I have left my dubious writing skills back home, and although I think I know exactly where I have left it, I’m having a hard time imagining that I have it back with me.

But I’m going to try nevertheless. Apparently I have nothing better to do otherwise. The whole family is engaged - One is busy with office work, the guest is in another room with his phone and Baby is busy with Giraffe cycle ‘riding along country lanes making happy songs ... A B C’. Heart-warming song ‘Kannan vandhan’ is playing on TV.

And I’m still struggling with the flow. But you know I’m not the one to give up. I have to blog about this. Romba mukiyam you see....

So to continue form where I left you... On the day of travel to the west aara parivaarangaludan we reached the airport and checked in very smoothly. Smoothly in the sense I received boarding pass till the final destination, Baby had it till Delhi and the Mr had it till Chicago, and by lucky mistake we had to check out the monstrous luggage again in Delhi and check back in. So you see nothing out of the ordinary. And that’s precisely how I took it, because funnily, once you are married and a mom and all that you apparently have to have poise, dignity, matured calm and a grown-up air. So grown up air it is, I decided.

After long queues to emigrate and immigrate we landed in the Chicago airport 28 hours later only to know about flight delays and cancellation due to the ‘heavy rains and fog’. We were re-booked to another flight an hour later with the assurance that the flight was already overbooked and since we were transferred from another plane we will not be priority and that we should really hope most of the passengers of that flight don’t arrive on time for boarding. Cursing the good conditions of the roads, we waited. Breakfast, then lunch and even a small nap post lunch happened and yet even that damned flight was not ready for take-off. Finally airlines gave it up as a bad job at early evening and so instead of the obnoxious Delayed a red Cancelled flashed in finality against that flight too.

No tension or irritation. Nor the chill of the airport on that rainy day ever bothered me. I still got the grown-up thing going on. After all the society says that I should be able to see the positives in everything. So that’s how we landed in a beautiful hotel room at a discounted price and a warm tall cup of complimentary coffee. Actually the hotel stay and the half-day delay worked out well than if we would have traveled without the break. Warm blankets, hot water and room service and especially the no-cleaning-after-yourself part of hotel stay gave time for me to recoup some of the lost energy tending for a cranky toddler in a cramped aircraft with no sleep and food. So we were all very well refreshed and presentable the next day we boarded the flight that took us home. The day was sunny and warm. Seeing the positives and not rushing to take the midnight flight paid off.

Then the rest as they say is history, smooth as butter and other related clichéd phrases. Between breaking a necklace, a shoe, a tooth, a leg bracelet and tearing a few clothes and dyeing a few others, and amidst other buying’s and losing’s, we tried to settle down as family.

But seriously, all that nonsense aside, I’m really glad we are here and have settled down well. Smaller has taken well to the weather, food, car seat and other contraptions that has been supposedly designed to keep the baby safe but that which ‘buys the life’ of parents trying to teach them that it’s okay to be katti pottufied so. She is finally in routine and is growing in leaps and bounds emotionally, physically and mentally. It’s a treat to hear her mazhalai non-existent vocabulary, and enjoy her dances, her made up songs, her confidant and instant replies to questions which she doesn’t and couldn’t understand.

The Mr is as usual busy with office, stock and his cricket and whatever else he does on the Internet.

The “I” is also okay. And surprisingly not home sick. Not even a little bit. Maybe because I’m trying to make a home myself, or maybe because I've had enough and the time apart actually is soothing to nerves, I don’t really know. In fact I’m real glad that I have finally gotten a cozy nest to settle into. Although the walls are wobbly and the base is shaky and the colors are fading and such, I’m not really worrying about all that. It’s all workable right? Either you get used to it... or you get used to it. So you see the grown-up air is really helping me present a good and mature personality to others.

Anyways, on a not so personal front, I’m trying to stay off from Facebook apart from playing silly and addictive games and rather have face-to-face or phone conversation with friends; trying to work on HTML to add tabs to the blog to add few more ‘writes’ in it; dealing with numerous advice and mocks on staying home and wasting an engineering degree; being judged on if I'm cooking well or feeding the family at all; advice on how to raise a toddler etcetera etcetera.

But I’m not queasy with all these judgments and comments. It just shows that I have people who care enough about me to comment and it just shows that I have people to care enough about their comments. But whenever I hear someone say ‘Oh she is such a happy active child’ I thank the Gods and take hope that I’m doing something right. Also I smile internally (with a little spite of course) thinking about that one crack-ticket back home who had so much trust in me that he gave me a month’s time before I would come running home over-whelmed by the pressures of having to take care of my own baby.Ha!

I finish the monologue with a small prayer to God,

Udal balathodum mana niravodum engalai vaazha vaipai

Vendiya varangal vendiya Ganathil Thandhe vandharulvai

3 and half months of heartache

Wow... can’t believe it was only that much. Feels like eons more.

In movies, normally, in such very anticipated and dramatic situations, there will be shown a montage of significant moments, accompanied by soft and sensual background music. Wish how I feel now can also be that beautiful. But as is the case with this stupid normality I’m left all alone to deal with the recollections.

Ah, but there are one too many things that have happened. I don’t think I remember all of them. I’m not too sure that I even want to admit to remember few of them. During these past few days I had to deal with - the realization of particular dream, or wish you may say, a year too late; a career suicide yet again; separation with family; adding new responsibilities; monetary insecurities; un-favored dependency; seclusion; being glad of moving away from the clutches of insanity; oru kannil vennai and in the other sunnaambu stories; blunted emotions and many such ‘incidents’ which would make for a crunchy, spicy retelling on a snowy, winter noon. But every time when the head hits the pillows alone at night one thing is certain and that is it is not worth it. No. Definitely not!

But that’s all past, over and done with. And the madness is coming to an end. Thank you, merciful God. Thanks for the valuable experience. Yes, it was priceless in that it humbled me, made me learn few nuances of the many relationships I’m involved and it helped me set my priorities right. And I’m thankful it’s all over before I had a chance to slip and shatter the feigned poise and calm, and ‘bearing all with smiles’ facade, and especially in not having the voices inside my head audible.

This chaotic yet kind of numb phase of life was tolerable and I was able to look forward to the dawn of the day because of four significant people. I’m not going to tell anyone who’s who. If you know who, then thank them on my behalf. If you are one of the three reading this, then please note that I owe my sanity, or what’s left of it, to you. You may not know it; you may not have meant it that way, but your words, your company and sometimes even your absence and silence helped me through the day. Your veiled criticisms, harsh reminders and restricted emotional attachment were all my life-lines. I’m going to miss you. So.... although it’s not something you don’t know but... I love you. Still do, loads!

And this midnight the dawn will light my horizons. Loving hands and smiles are on the way with million dreams and hopes. And it will be like I’d never had to be alone. So here’s looking forward to the fun and sensible times. Uber excited to see how this new, much awaited episode is going to turn out to be. Of course!

Malarin kadhavondru thirakkindradho

Mounam veliyera thavikkindradho

Penmai pudhidhaga pirakkindradho

Uyiril amudhangal vazhigindradho......