If you know what I mean, you will really know what I mean.

The one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm praying
That's why I'm saying,
Please forgive me, I know not what I do
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
Please believe me, every word I say is true
Please forgive me, if I can't stop loving you
No, believe me, I don't know what I do
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
I only want to make it good
So if I love you a little more than I should 

Recently found this playlist in Youtube.....and its nostalgia. I remember the times I used to listen to Bryan Adams, during college time, and get mesmerized with his voice, without much following the lyrics all that much. ShaT and Mads always had him playing all the time and Bryan's songs kind of became anthemic to me at one point. I have since not heard him until now. So enjoy... or whatever!

My own personal form of "IF"

I'm so bored.

If only I don't set-in in a routine.... If only I have something to distract.... If only I have the discipline to concentrate on some thing.... If only I took up Yoga.... If only I have a ride to Yoga.... If only I can learn to drive.... If only I have someone to baby-sit while I learn.... If only I can afford that help.... If only I can work.... If only I'm not so bored.

Here below is another set of IF. Somehow this is exactly what I wish I were able to tell too. Somehow this is what I wanted to hear just about right now. Somehow this is exactly what I want believe. How come Kipling knew to pen all this, that which would make absolute sense to a simple bored girl, who is almost his age, but a century and some parts younger? Are things not much different now than it was then? If only we knew...

IF you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Some questions to free the mind - Finale

The final 20.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Not in a long time.

32. If not now, then when?

10 mins ago.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

My peace of mind!

This reminds me of a saying of my grandma’s ‘Maraththadi Pillaiyar pozhudhum pogum, road la pora panni pozhudhum pogum’, meaning the day begins and ends for everyone no matter how important or insignificant you are, its what you do in-between that matters. And that’s the difference.

34. Have you ever been with someone,said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

I’m still looking for that one person. My friend, my conscience, my enabler!

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

I’m not religious enough to understand that.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Yes it is possible. Depends on where you look at it from.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Ha! I have done so for much less.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

I wouldn’t mind more work that I enjoy doing, as long as it is stimulating enough.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Every day!

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Soft glow of hope, the auspicious seven steps into matrimony.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I will kill myself today.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No not really. Although in early adolescence I wish I were a famous celebrity (for what reason is embarrassing to tell even now…hehehe)

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

My art of living would be to with no expectations (and so no disappointment) and with acceptance of what comes. Harmony, peace and being truthful to your self!

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

I guess that's never for me.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

The lessons are bitter, that’s why.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Yes. I’m beginning to learn to do that. But surprisingly it’s taking a lot of effort to not care. It’s exhausting.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

That one time I lay beneath the surgical lighting on a cold hard table with someone tugging at me before I heard a sharp cry of birth.

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

Sadly no. I have not got one “thing” on which I have an undying love. My passion fizzles easily.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

No.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I’m not insulated from others. My decisions are a collaboration of opinions and somehow one of them finally makes the cut, whose being irrelevant.

And here’s from where they are all.

Some questions to free the mind - Part II

Some more......

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

It should. I can’t for the life of me figure out why sometimes the things that make me happy irritate the others. But that’s their problem.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?

Learn to write with left hand.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Yes of course.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Scotland, maybe! No reason. I liked it when I vacationed there. Otherwise I’m happy in my place.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Nope. Neither do I push/press the door-close button immediately when someone gets out. I hate it when someone does that. Can’t you wait for 2 seconds than to shut the doors on the person’s feet?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton. The little known the better.

22. Why are you, you?

I wish I knew.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Yes.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

To me it would be - I moving away and then losing touch with that one good friend who saw me through the worst and with whom there was real future. C, I miss you more than I can say. Do you even think of me?

25. What are you most grateful for?
For lots of things. Specially my child and the assorted rest are here.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Neither. I’m masochistic that way.

27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Deep down we always know, even though some truths may never see the light of the day.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

I wish…no no pray… it wouldn’t.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

Come to think of it none of the matters I was upset about (except health issues) seem irrelevant this moment.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

Summer days spent with cousins in Mandhai, my grandmother’s house.

The final 20 and the source… next!

Some questions to free the mind

I was just blog-hopping. Then I happened to come across a website that had loads of interesting stuff. And from only there I found the following questions. It’s interesting to answer questions candidly.

I recommend everyone to try this.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Precisely 17 years and 6 months ready to start college.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Let’s see. Never trying means there are no failures and there’s that, except the one nag ‘Oh! I never tried’. But failing is obviously worst as it causes lots of heartache, tears, broken dreams etc - lots of nag.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

We do the latter simply because we are human and do the former simply to get through the day. If we don’t do either of them then there will be nothing to regret and then life would become ideal. Who wants that?

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

In all probability, yes. YES!

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Today is as good as it would get. So I think I would leave the world alone.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

No matter what work, just contentment in whatever I do would do. If I can brighten seeing butterflies, chase bubbles and sleep with a smile on my face I guess I would be rich (but chances are I would be branded ‘nut case’)

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I get by, by just plain practicality. That's how I choose and deal. Instead of chasing what I believe and instead of settling to what I get, I try to achieve the balance between. But I can assure that once the decision is made rather than intellectual detachment it will be all emotional evaluation of 'If i did the right thing'.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently

I wish to live it out carelessly, hoping that when the day comes I would be with no regrets. But knowing me, I probably will spend the days framing a huge list of un-finishable to-do items (places to see, thinks to do, see and read etc), with regrets that I’m wasting my last ten years whining about not completing the list. 40 or 100 don’t matter. I will be who I will be, unless lighting strikes.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

To no extent! As far as I can remember I have not chosen anything in my life at any point of it. Initially parents chose, now a husband is doing. Tomorrow I hope my son would. That makes me weirdly burden-less.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I’m concerned with doing the right things right. Else there is no point.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Just keep my silence. What they think of my friend is irrelevant to me. I would not let such chats cloud my view of the them or that friend being criticized.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Hold on to your innocence, sense of trust, ability to let go and try to be as happy as today with having only the basic of needs.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

In a heart- beat!

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Every day. More so, since I started playing ‘Building blocks’ and ‘Pretend’ games with my daughter.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

When someone asks ‘What are you’ I answer ‘Medium Beige’. That I think is something I do differently than most people.

More Q and my A, and the source of Q tomorrow.

Here’s why I don’t make resolutions.

When I quit my job (again!) last summer I had a whole list of things I had put down as to-do.

1. Read a book, at least one in a week
2. Write more often
3. Develop interest in some craft
4. Learn to cook more traditional from-grandma’s-kitchen recipes
5. …
6. ..

I don’t remember the rest of that huge list. I knew even when I jotted them down that I wouldn’t be able to do all that I’m setting myself up for. But I really hoped that I would at least try and succeed in one of the many. They seemed important yet pretty easy then.

Cut to six months later.

It so happens that the only reason I remember these four items are because these are the things that I’m most guilty about not trying.

Being at-home, it’s not like I don’t have the time. And it’s not like I have lots of free time either. Daily chore or important work, that being irrelevant, I have my hands full. I’m fully occupied throughout the day with one thing or the other. And in the daily grind of things, personal to-do lists, or in other words personal growth, seems to have a taken a back seat.

So I’m loaded with guilt for not pursuing my interests(?!?), embarrassed that I don’t have the needed will power for keeping up resolutions and irritated at why I even bother setting up goals and so on.

Anyways, that being the prelude, I was reading ‘By the river Piedra I sat down and wept’, which I’m attempting to finish for a long time. And yesterday a particular line struck me. Exercising the Other! The book advises us to release the “Other” from our being so that we can truly understand the point of “Living in the moment”.That surprisingly caught my attention.

{Aside:To state what would now be the obvious I have not proceeded any further with the book so I don’t know if my take is correct on what the Other is. But if ever I get the book renewed or rather if I ever get my Husband to renew the book for me (as the library card is in his name/ account; well apparently if you don’t own a credit card you don’t amount to much, not less rent/lend/loan a book) I hope I’m right in my understanding of it, as meant by the author.}

To confess, when I read the line "The exercise of the Other" I thought the Other could be anything; Anything at all that’s tying one down. Could be laziness, jealousy, hatred, anger, disappointment or just another vice.

I have lots of such, I know I’m deeply flawed as like any other if not more, and I have been carrying a lot of negativity in me. Mulling unwonted thoughts over and again so much that it has become a standard and it is, I feel, starting to tint my view of the world and people.

That leads me to think I would be a proper candidate for the exercising or rather exorcising the Other.

Negativity, if removed from the being what would be left, I’m curious to know. So I have decided to the ‘Exercise', to keep a log and me on track. So predictably, I hope to publish a daily status update kinda thing about what particularly strikes me every day as a problem (or situation or event). It could have another advantage too. Instead of churning the thoughts round and round in my mind I can pour it out here and try to clear my mind - kind of my own version of ‘Disassociative therapy’ (if there is one such. I think there is some: My dad used to tell me to view myself as a third person in times of stress so that I can objectively evaluate and gets things in perspective).

Realization is the first step toward understanding the problem and trying to find means to solve it.

And that’s “My Project 365”.

One day at a time.

{Aside: Is it mentioned anywhere in Harry Potter series that after Dumbledore and Snape store their memories in the Pensieve did they really forget about that? More like they had index in their mind and the actual content is in the Pensieve?}

I hate my guts

It seems like a long time ago that I had an enviable waist line. It’s unbelievable, yet it’s true. The chocolates and chips and jams and other sinful savories I consumed somehow magically didn’t show on me. People who know me from my high school years or early college days can attest to that. Though it was around that time that my friends in my group started worrying about daily calorie consumption, I continued skipping meals and eating biscuits instead, and didn’t care about any of healthy stuff and never exercised. Even with all that I was really petite then. XS actually. (So thin that some people in my family were concerned if my Mother was feeding me right). So a no-flap, tight belly was not a highlight at all in my already lean form. I wasn't especially proud of my hip either. The truth is I didn’t care.

I’m still petite. Size wise! Now I choose right, exercise enough and have a cardio-friendly diet. I read the labels for ‘Calorie from Fat’ before I buy a product. But I worry if my waist number will overtake my age number. After trying all ways to reduce the piled on kilos especially in the abs, I somehow seemed to add to it. So now I’m on the defense. I’m trying to at least not put on any more than what is already there. If reduction isn’t working maintaining is the only option and even that’s hard work. I do the right things and yet I’m unhappy about the result. The truth is I care.

Bad crappy irony, I say.

Good thing winter is here. With all the bulky sweaters I don’t have to worry about my perpetual bump showing.

One more month has gone...

... and even still nothing seem to have changed a lot. Everything happens to be the same. The mornings and noons and nights are just as predictable as the unpredictability of the weather around here. Ever same, is the frustrating feeling when sitting in front of the compose pane to write of all the wonderful ideas that hit you while in the shower and wonder where all them have gone.

But whining is not going to help, would it? No. So what... I don't know.

I'm low with the tiredness of a receding fever and Migraine. So all things in charge are in charge of the other-half now. Including the toddler. So before she comes back complaining 'Appa mertita', which could be any minute now if not sooner given the way they get along a full whole minute, I will try to write something here, just as an assurance that 'All izz well'

What do I write about?

Do I want to say about the way I'm starting to feel about the Ms? That she is all of a sister when she expresses if she likes or dislikes my dresses (every time she says 'beetipul' or 'eeee' I melt a little)? That she is all of a mother when she just easily predicts my mood and matter-of-fact suggests 'Amma kochi' (which nearly shames me every time when I take my emotions out on her)? No. She is my anchor and I can't do any justice by telling about her in just a few words.

Do I want to say about the promise I make to myself about a certain thing that I want to try out? Can I own it that I'm weak and lack the needed will power to experiment my ideas instead of postponing to next week Monday? No. That's another secret and literally my life and its associated happiness is tied to it.

Do I want to say about the fact that I worry about things when all I need to do was to let silent for a minute and get on ahead. That by being so, I feel, even though I could not repair the wobbly floors, at least I can try and not make it wobble a lot more? No. I don't think I even understand what I want to do fully.

Do I want to bitch about the fact that I see the 'not-have's' and miss all the little things which shows how much I do have? No. I have said that a lot and I think I'm never going to get over that vice.

Do I want to confess to everyone that I keep this blog as a form of rebellion? That I desperately want to be able to write so that I can, well at least, write if not talk into deaf ears. No. They are unheard anyways.

Then what the hell do I say? I don't know. My head is starting to ache again.

For some reason I miss temples much during such tiredness. Mylapore and Thiruvahindrapuram of my childhood memories. Nothing like a bumpy bus/auto ride when you are tired and there's nothing much that sweet temple air and its music won't do to soothe the soreness of body and mind. Come home to amma for a nice hot milagu rasam and a good night sleep to the tingles of the bedroom wind-chimes. God.

I need a Harry Potter or Twilight equivalent, if you know what I mean.

No Dues.

Routine is effectively disturbed. No predictability about tomorrow.

And that is scary.

The calendar is empty. Table ornaments are packed to be taken home. Passes and accesses are surrendered, stamped and cleared - ‘No Dues’. Farewell speeches are given. Advices are taken. Lunch and gifts exchanged. Clichéd mails are sent out. A final goodbye, a last sweeping look and I will be done. Relieved of all responsibilities!

And I’m lost. Burdened with doubts and fear!

May be I’m not recognizing the randomness of my life in its true spirit. The sense of suspense and variety is what many ache for in their normal, scheduled and so according to them a boring life. I did too. When day after day, the same rhythm, the same duties, the same monotony wore me down. Now that I have choice, variety and suspense of the unknown tomorrow, instead of being thrilled I’m suddenly feeling as if I have no stability; that I have no direction, no balance. There seems no method in the madness. I guess the residual feelings for the accustomed way of life is getting in the way and disturbing me. Acknowledged! But I should also be realizing the value of the change, the range of other opportunities and such, for the gift that it is. Yes. I should and I’m going to try.

At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable. So is change illa?

Next, I have all the time in the world. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it.

I think the first thing I’m going to put the “all the time in the world” to use is to list the things that I’m going to miss.

• First and foremost, coffee. Hot and refreshing all around the clock. Just have to ask, one kaapi.

• Second most important thing, the hour long drive. It’s an effective alone time. Enake enaka. There is something alluring in the dull and monotonous almost thalatugira motion of the vehicle, the warm air and noise blowing in from the rolled down windows, the view zooming past, random thoughts and mindless FM music.

• Friends. Just ping or buzz and you can see them. They are there to pick you up when things are rough. Sometimes you don’t even have to ask. They’ll know.

• Companionship. I’m listing this as a separate thing because it means so much to me. The ups and down are treated alike, things are taken in the passing in a somewhat ‘who cares’ detached sense etc...All good things.

• Special-ness of weekend. The anticipation starts first thing on Monday mornings. AH! The sweet relief of weekends.

• Breakfast. That’s one thing that’s really going to get cut now that I have no routine.

• Identity. In the current society, when what I do amounts to who I’m, this serves as my identity, a label to my success. Now I’m going to ‘just be a....’

• Dependability. It’s a common thing in my household to hear me say, ‘Let me check with my office folks on this. At least one of them might have an idea’, for just about anything from tax debates to baby colic’s.

• Tabs on the new fashion. Won’t elaborate!!

• Diversion. Actually it works either ways. From domestics to there and from there to domestics. If one gets too much I can escape into the other. Time apart to puts things in perspective. Thank God for days and nights and work and play.

• Adjusting temperaments. It’s actually a good thing, a survival thing. The chance to meet and work alongside people of different personalities helps you to become a good judge of character. Helps and necessitates keeping temper (for that, any emotion) in check. (And my Mother’s favorite ‘Anga solara vellaiya mugam sulikaama seiyara, inga yean edhirkara?’ sometimes makes sense, and sometimes makes me want to say ‘Well I have no choice there. Here at least you hear of it’. Somehow I never tell her that. Why to destroy her illusion that I’m adangifying somewhere at least?)

• General public awareness. I think that’s common to every place with lots of people in scene.

• Developing new interests. With avenues and interested folks available, this is sure significant thing. I have personally benefited significantly from this.

There are of course other blahs, like career, growth, financial independence, woman freedom, ‘wasting your education’. All those aside, these are the humble things that I’m going to miss a lot.

That’s all I can think of. If you can come up with anything besides ‘Office gossip’ please leave a message/comment.

So whatever, it’s a major change tomorrow. Hope indha naal iniya naalaga iruka and days that follow too.

Last weekend…

Yes. This is the last ‘real’ weekend for the current season.

Here after all days are going to be working days!

Another end!

For another new beginning? Hopefully so!

In my every breath there is you.

Of course, you would know this by no means can be an exhaustive list, but these are the few that popped into my mind as I started typing this.

• My Mom’s “Drink your coffee hot. Would probably help relieve your headaches”, every time when my morning coffee goes cold untouched.

• AJB’s “You would be a fool to not ask for help when you need or to not accept it when you are given” every time when I’m shy and apprehensive to seek help when I’m desperately needing it.

• My Father’s “This too shall pass” every time when I feel down and depressed or even too happy.

• Evangeline’s “My opinions are not that important that I need to share them all the time” every time when I have no choice but to bite my tongue to hold back any retort or argument.

• Mrs. Hr’s simple “Hang on!” every time when I … never mind!

• MiRaman’s “Perception of truth is the only truth now” every time when I want to give a shout out, thann nilai vilakkam, and to set records straight.

• Aparna’s timely and crucial baby advice, every time I cradle my baby in my arms without hurting my back and stitches.

• My Bro’s “You think they too taking about us” every time when I liberally comment on/about everyone and then want a ladder down my ego.

• Kotti’s “Remember how you started and where you came from” every time when I want to stay in touch with my roots.

• An Id... friend’s "Now your Home is where your ....n is" every time when I waver in my priorities between different places and people.

• One of my cousin’s “You think you know everything, but you don’t know anything really” every time when I want to humble down.

• Draiker’s “You set a high standard” every time when I think I deserve to be praised, irrespective of whether I receive the compliments or not.

• My 6th grade tamizh teacher’s “ngap pol valai” advice every time when I need the motivation to adjust or adapt.

• My grandma’s kind yet strict “kozhandai than mukkiyam… adhuku aprom than mathadellam” every time when I’m torn between watching a movie and playing pretend for the 100th time of that day.

• My FIL’s "Babies outgrow the need for us very soon. You will miss it before you fully realize the sweetness" every time when I'm dealing with late-night unreasonable clingings or thooki demands.

• A cousin's status and belief "Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% of how I react to it"

• A Haryani Loki’s strangely kind act of placing his overcoat as a cushion in my head/ back rest of my seat, in the dirty, smelly bus traveling in that sorry excuse of a road of the Pilani-Delhi route, every time when my head bumps on my seat.

• My grandfather’s quirky folklore saying “All right nu sonnanam English kaaran. Adhan sari nu sonnanam Thamizh kaaran” every time when I just want to agree to something just to shut the other person up.

• My BIL’s “If someone is doing something for you, whether you’ve asked them or not, let them be” every time when I want to comment or correct something someone is doing for my sake.

• ....'s “You look nice, no matter what” every time when I want reassurance about my looks.

• Sister Agneta’s “If you want, you can get all that. Seek unto God” every time when I really need Super help to take a step forward.

• My own quote and my search "Going forward is a direction. Being happy where you are, with what you have is the destination"

Many such significant words, many other trivial actions… but they all are staying with me for a reason. The context of the actual conversation is long forgotten, but some words you have said, I still remember, because, to me, it’s not so much what’s said, just not what’s done, but everything to do with how it makes me feel.

And these made me feel better. You made me feel good. You gave me a sense of direction. You gave me hope. Sometimes you gave me all. Sometimes you gave me one, the one I needed the most. You have made me a better person.

So my dears, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know it’s such an incomplete and deficient word. But that’s all I have got.

Soladha sollukum... Illadha vaarthaikum... edhedho arthangale

My friend once told me that I have a very sweet voice and she also confessed that, prior to meeting me in person, based on my voice alone she had a completely different image of how I would look. I did not know how to react to that! Should I be happy that I have a sweet voice or should I be offended that she felt my face wasn’t pretty for the voice?

But you see, if there is one thing that I’m personally very proud of myself is.... my voice.

Yea... yea.. I know, right! It’s something I’m born with and I have done nothing to hone or train it, so I can’t take credit for it. Yet, I take pride and that’s how vain I’m!

So anyways, that friend’s comment was not a singular instance. I have heard the same thing from few others too (not about the face though. I have never forgiven her for that :-)). Some other friends who are musically talented have also complimented that my voice is effortlessly and naturally very suited for singing seconds. They have urged me to take training (I believe to sing firsts). As I did not want to tamper with the God given gift (Ahem!) I never heeded to their kind advice.

I know all that and also am aware of the control I have over my voice. I can modulate the tone, the mood and the pitch to some extent and other such non-special, peripheral things. (I know, who couldn't.. right?)

All that is fine! But what use is a sweet voice when sometimes I have no power over what I say. More times than not, I think how I say it salvages what I say. I would like to believe that people are fooled by that. But if I have to be truthful to myself, no one is fooled but me. Instances when I have coated things in funny tones, it still has insulted people and has come back to bite me.

I'm also aware of this too, that sometimes I have utter lack of control over my emotions (and in turn, over the words I say) and I have never been happy about it. I have tried to change. I have tried to learn how not to say things (of which I’m going to regret later) when provoked or when simply in conversation. All in vain!

As it gets proven time and again that I don’t have the much required self control over what I say, I sometimes wish I just couldn’t and so wouldn’t (be able to say what I want). I wish for restraint not on thoughts but on the expression. So even though I’m incredibly proud of my voice, in some tense instances I wish I lack it one the whole.

Vaarthai Oomaiyaai vidumo..

Then I no longer need to struggle to “ignore” or “choose to consciously not comment”.

Decadence.

I love chocolates.

As much as this has been confessed, ad nauseam, I don’t think anyone is going to tire saying so.

These three words may come only second to ‘I love you’ in its vast usage.

I really do love chocolates...the bitter(darker) the better. The aroma...the taste...the feeling...Ah! Sweetness.

When I mention chocolate, I don’t mean the hard, toffee kind. Imagine Dairy Milk bars, Toblerone and ... you get the idea! But what really bugs me is the adulterations that accompany the chocolates these days in the name of flavor and variety. What’s wrong with the chocolate bars with just cocoa in it? Peppermint is an exception! Apart from that who the hell wants raisins, caramel, wafers, nuts and all such dirt with it? Chocolate is perfection in itself, isn’t it?

There is again the never ending debate on how best to consume chocolates. Though it’s polite to take bite-size pieces and indulge in the awesomeness without compromising your decency and saving your hands, mouth, teeth and lips, I feel that that is no way to savor chocolates. Occasionally I feel we need to give in to the craving and enjoy like 2 year olds –messy hands, chocolaty lips and chins and a wide grin.

And then there is the best way to do it. Hold the chocolate in between your warm hands. Wait for it to thaw. When it is ready, shred all the million wrappings around it except for the inner most golden/ silver foil. Now the consistency is very important; too frozen or too fluid-y won’t do the work. It needs to be just right. Wrap all of the foil and chocolate in your index finger and press hard to prick a small opening on the upside of the foil. Knead the almost drippy bar between your thumb and third finger for it to raise and ooze out of the foil fissure. And suck. The slow rush of warm, molten chocolate in the mouth is nothing beyond heaven. Molten. Chocolate. All consuming!

There really isn’t any better way to enjoy the pleasure. Is there? Is there?

"Kiss me ... close your eyes ... miss me ... Happy-ness in your eyes ... Kiss me..."

Migraine attacks!

I’m lying in my bed, still as ice. I try to close my eyes. But it feels like there are million small pins wedged in-between the lids. I’m distracted by the tinkling of the wind chimes in the farthest corner of the room. Has it always been this loud? The dull droning of the ceiling fan, the whining of the A/C - all these sound magnified too. Funny thing about these headaches! When all you want to do is close your eyes and tune out everything else, that’s when the stupid mind seems to find an insane urge to heighten all the senses. I pull my arm over my head to shut out the light streaming in from the streetlamps, uncharacteristically bright, through the curtained windows. Tears escape me helplessly. I swallow hard only to regret the bitter after-taste of medicine that is still lingering in the depths of the mouth even after a spoonful of honey. I tiredly cast around for something to concentrate. My stomach grumbles loudly, but the thought of food... Ugh! It makes me really uncomfortable. Nauseous!

The only sense that isn’t uncomfortable right now is the soft nudging I feel against my chest and my arm; the warm sweet breath on my neck. I softly turn around and roll over the bundle a little farther away into the more comfortable bed space. I lift my freed right arm, only to reinforce the protection against my eyes and ears. Even these tiny movements increase the pounding in the head.

All I need at this moment is a warm shoulder to lean against; soft tender fingers to reach under my hair and apply pressure in areas around the right ear lobe; gentle caress spreading the icky pain balm on my forehead; a wet kiss on the eyelid. To divert my mind, I need to hear talks about things for which the maximum response I’m expected to give are 'hmms' and 'amms'. Finally a whisper to say softly yet firmly, 'Try to sleep. The world can wait'. I want you.

You. Come home to me. Now!

I can then curl up on your arms and try to sleep.

Ode to a dear friend

It all started on a boring, rainy December evening, some six years back. I was stuck at work doing some maintenance and monitoring tasks. Lots of free, undisturbed time on hand and I had nothing better to do. So I decided to while away the remaining time by sharing some tit-bits about me and my views on few arbitrary things to her.

My neighbor!

My reasoning was ‘All my friends have one such. Why not I?’ Like pen-pals. Like rayil snegham, believing it to be almost ephemeral. For one, I had no intention of maintaining much contact. Or for that matter neither was I counting on sustaining interest (either ways) much longer. Sensible or otherwise, I told her what I wanted to tell, only in the way I wanted to tell and only to the extent I wanted to tell. Succinct hints and elaborate exaggeration were how I made her see me.

My Ego!

But we, she and I, have come a long way from that point on, together. What started out as a mere acquaintance slowly steadied itself to become friendship which later solidified as the most dependable confidant I ever had.

My Diary!

Ah! What all had we seen and felt. She had been my cheery mate when I was exuberant; had patiently held against my rants and angst; had, as well, bravely endured my nonsense for most part; had stood by me and mourned with me for my losses and failures; had been, and is, my identity, for some people; had seen me lonely, high, depressed, boring, unashamedly happy, secretive, dysfunctional, naughty, blank, vile, in and out of love etc; been part of my greatest joys and memorable seconds; been a medium of communication, an undelivered letter, when what is being said is too much to be shared in person. After all that, she has stuck with me, like a dear that she is.

My Conscience (sort of)!

Through her I can see the passage of time and with each turn I’m glad she was there to be part of it, to share with me and support me. I can clearly see, through her, the changes in my heart, the maturity of my thoughts, my sincere doubts and my unfulfilled dreams.

My Pensieve!

Sadly, for most part of the time I ignore her. Like routine. But when things tilt a little from that routine, I rush to find her waiting to listen and comfort. Once I divulge all my fears and anxieties and secrets, I feel a huge burden has been lifted off of me. Like with the belief in God, the need intensifies when I’m feeling powerful emotions and when I’m helpless and in want of something anything to help me out. I know it’s too selfish to be so, and I have tried to confess and promise I will ‘mind’ more regularly, but only to have the promise broken. Again!

Nevertheless, I’m really thankful for this friend. Just for being there for me!

This blog is now officially 200 posts old. A momentous moment at Pensieve!

But I want to commit. I want to be able to be regular. I need to finds avenues to enjoy indulging. I want to experiment, learn. I want to be prompted. I would like to be supported. I want an audience.

My Passion!

Confessions. Long due.

I’m back!!!

This time I’m really back from a self-imposed exile of more than a year and half. You may ask, why now? As anyone who knows me well would answer this, I too will say, Whimsical. Really no special significance to why I have chosen today as the day to break the viradham and get off my butt and write something in this well ignored space.

A lot has happened in the personal front and boy! I’m glad it all did. A new life, a new home, a new job, new friends, new difficulties, new challenges, new problems and there by new solutions, new avenues to explore, new things to get down about, new memories to forget...but very, very less time. Frankly I can’t blame it all on time or the lack thereof. In fact familial pressure and my single twisted gene fondly referred as laziness held me back from coming here. But seriously, none there to have seriously missed it, and I find my peace in that.

Another reason why I took an imposed break from posting here is, things started getting too corrupted in transit. In a way, that - Something worth mentioning would happen and my mind would start churning ideas on the ways to represent it well; thinking and analyzing which would be the best way to say, so that the reader would appreciate it. Doing so, all the essence of what has happened somehow seemed lost, and all that I was left with was a ‘Crafted piece’. I felt like I’m not doing justice to what I was doing. I realized I needed practice and discipline to take a view of a stranger, a common third person, to see and understand what is happening and write it in such a way that the words shown with sincerity, and would come out just right. Albeit a few literary/cursory/ writer’s license/advantage.

I will not lie, or delude myself, that I have gained all the wisdom required from the exercise. But I would like to believe I have come out better than how I went in. So all in all, to put to order the mad house that my mind is, I’m back wielding a rusty pen and armed with scrambled thoughts. I promise, more to myself than to that elusive (and almost non-existent) audience, I will write here more often.

Confession1: As I wrote the above in-a-go, I realize my writing is indeed rusty.

Confession2: I have not read a single book in a very long, loo..oo..ng time. Not accounting re-reading favorites like HP and some junk Sydney Sheldon, I have not even grazed beyond the covers of Aanandha Vikata, Kumudhan etc.

Confession3: Finding it difficult to type without word-web/ Thesaurus. Not searching for the word or meaning but for that inane spelling. Go figure!

Confession4: At this moment (of sleep induced vulnerability or what – I’m not sure, but..) it feels like I have come to terms with baring some truths about me, without any feeling of un-sourced guilt.

Confession5: Writing confessions at a go is not easy and I think i'm done.

What’s there to say?

When you have got nothing to do, either you become lazy or you scrounge for something to do and indulge in it. I seem to have chosen the former as the latter demands me get off from my perch. Fear, where life is headed.

Baring insecurities

'That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful.'Thats how the transition is. But again, it is pretty generous in providing thoughful lessons of life. Exsistence is much easier when I learn to really see what people are, instead of expecting them to be the way I want them to be. Time and again, this has been a huge problem for me.

Never belonged..,

Preserved a single dream.
Such perfection, ‘t felt so right,
the imprint on fragile heart.
Unresolved, unrequited,
I contemplated day & night,
to nurture safe, under eyelid
or, instead, under rocks to hide.
Chose latter. Echoes in the dark.
Unspoken words, fragile heart, doth breaks
When, mind’s eye, with eloquence reverberates
Repress, forget, tried I, might,
the rocks crushed harder.
What do I do? Now,
a million smiles to worry.
But diamonds ever brittle?

Story of my life....

I: (excitedly) Hello…. I’m home...
Him: (enthusiastically) bark bark bark....
I: SHUT UP

In few days
I: (excitedly) I’m home...
Him: (enthusiastically) bark bark bark....
I: JUST SHUT UPPPPPP

Few days later
I: (normally) Hello...
Him: (enthusiastically) barkkkkk....
I: Please, shut up

Few more days passed, when
I: (excitedly) Hello!
Him: -
I: (excitedly) Hello!
Him: -
I: (normally) Helooooooo?
Him: -
I: (sadly) Helllloooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Echos of barkkkkk