மனம் எனும் யந்திரம்

ஏதோ யோசித்து..ஏதோ கூறி
கேள்விகள் பல...பதில்கள் தேடி
நினைத்த‌தை ம‌ற‌ந்து, ம‌ற‌ந்த‌தை க‌ச‌ப்போடு நினைத்து
ஏதோ ஓர் தேட‌லில்...எங்கோ ஒரு திசையில்
சிதறலாய் இந்த பதிவுகள்....

It might sting!

Is it taboo, to express concern over another’s excess caffeine or unhealthy food consumption? If one doesn’t mind telling million times to get through and make the other listen to their request for attention over the issue, does it show love or the ‘need to control’? Is the constant telling the problem, or matter of expressing is itself a problem? Is it prescribed that one should only remain calm, when witnessing another’s error of judgment in a matter of life and death? Is self hygiene not a must? And in those cases when it is missed, if reminding that, makes one arrogant and superior, then is it not unfair? When does the concern cross the line to become control? Since when did caring and over-powering get mixed up? Was it when indifference and ‘giving the needed space’ become synonymous? Is a slight variation from the state of ‘giving free rein’ directly take one to ‘dominance’? Where is the elusive harmony? If being flexible and accommodating makes ones a loser, then that is an obscene sense of sense. Even more offensive is mistaking control over concern. But the winner in this odious category would be the word-proof attitude – “Say all you want. Watch me pretend to listen and see me do what I feel like doing. You’d rather, save your breath”. When one craves for another to hold hands and enjoy the magical full moon view from the air plane, with no questions asked, but just soaking in the moment, is that a tall request? HOW does that fall into the bucket of ‘Don’t try to change me from the person I’m into someone I’m not’? YOU ARE EXPECTED TO CHANGE. ATLEAST MAKE AN EFFORT. How does prompting one to improve their quality of standard, for personality improvement, make them to feel claustrophobic? Does anything dictate that one should just witness the stagnation and be content with it, rather than to raise a voice and speak? If that’s so, then all beliefs and notions, about relationships, are passé! Then there would be no hope for growth and development, any further! Just passion would not sustain interest, through and through. Is it too much, to expect, from another, the same amount of crude concern, in all areas? Does demanding the same interest as expressed by one, from another, too much? Really, how much is too much? I don’t understand.

english-tamil

I think.
நான் நினைக்கிறேன்

I think you think.
நான் நினைக்கிறேன் நீ நினைக்கிறாய் என்று

I think you think I think you think.
நான் நினைக்கிறேன் நீ நினைப்ப‌தை நான் நினைக்கிறேன் என்று நீ நினைப்பதாய்

Do you?
நினைக்கிறாயா?

Do you think I think?
நான் நினைக்கிறேன் என்று நினைக்கிறாயா?

Do you think I think you think?
நான் நீ நினைப்பதாக நினைக்கிறேன் என்று நீ நினைக்கிறாயா?

Do you think I think you think I think you think?
நீ நினைப்பதை நான் நினைக்கிறேன் என்று நான் நினைப்பதை நீ நினைக்கிறாயா?

I do.. Just chekin'
என்னை போலா நீ?

In the background: Concept

Sincerely..,

என் வாழ்வில் நீ வரும் முன், நான் எவனோ ஒருவன்
நீ வந்ததால் நான் ஒரு பண்பான மனிதன்
உன்னாலே உன்னாலே இன்று நான் பறக்கும் மனிதன்
ஆம், உன் நினைவுகளில் மிதக்கும் பறவை நான்~

Drought is destitute, but I had the dew..,

.....Something profound stops me from my next words. One of these days, I will not stop at this juncture. My pledge to you will not hold me down and I will let the world know what transpired in that letter. Well, perhaps, tomorrow.

That tomorrow has indeed arrived!

My dearest,

I don't know what I want to write, and I’m only half aware about what I'm writing. But I'm writing this nevertheless, because I wanted to talk to you and tell you about all this and I know that if I don't do it now, then it’s going to be never. This is not a postmortem of the events or eulogy to it. Just feel like saying it. That's all.

The past two months had been like a dream. And today when I'm looking back at what has happened I'm feeling as if I'm being somebody else. What made me say all that I said, what made me want all that I wanted, I still don't know. When I was all lonely and lost, you shone on me like a beacon. It was as if magically confounded by the glow of that friendship, I began trusting you, deeply, blindly. And one day, when you said what you felt, it was as if like a wake- up-call, awakening my senses, rousing me off my dreams into the present, consciously realizing what I had know all along. You were the resonance in my veins. You were my sunshine. You were singularly special. You were specifically lovely. You were one of the sweetest of hearts I knew. Though only for a few days that it lasted, I felt wanted, I felt comforted and protected. I felt nice. It was a kind of chill feeling, something new and something different. I smiled, I rejoiced and I lived in harmony with my self and the world. I thank God, for those days. However short-lived you may claim your emotions were, I know and I wish it were true and sincere.

You were my main.

But the wake-up-call became the knell. And now that I have walked past the beacon, my darker side precedes my every stride. Threatening shadows all around me. May be the “yes-angels” heard your 'No's more than they heard my 'Please's. Things changed in rapid succession, in a gruesome way. Whom I though would be there to wipe off my tears, made me cry my heart out! It pained and it still pains me so much, thinking about how my life would have been with the person I dearly loved. You dismissed a heart that loved you, that thought you were indulgent, elemental and life. Sure, you have pushed me to extremes, played me with words, confided my very personals-only you ought to know stuff -with others, neglected, insulted and chided me. I know, I have let you treat me in the most demeaning of ways possible, but I let you do that anyways, because I believed I loved you. I have spent some tears, not lamenting on my love not being reciprocated, but for the pain I'm putting myself through with all the drama. But my heart was like the soft rubber ball you throw away from you. However harassed and humiliated the ball might feel, it will dutifully came back to you. So did my heart. And sometimes when I think that I'm the most pained one on earth and there is no more pain one can feel, I remember your story and instantly my heart aches and cries for you. And that made me believe in my love, even more so. Your denial was a kind of chill feeling, something new and something different, in a varied sense all together. I cried, I struggled and I lived in total dishonesty with my self and the world. I thank God, for those days. However tough it was, it was the most precious, humbling and enlightening experience for me so far.

You are my void.

I treasure the memories - your tiny eyes, the dark rimmed glasses, those lovely cute smiles, the accidental touches, those blushes, and the undeniable truth - hard and bitter. They say love is a slow poison, a silent killer. If I believe that, then the poison you induced in me, of which I still feel I have traces left, will one day be out of my system. The poison now scorching my being to the very core and soul will only go on till it has something left to gnaw upon; and it will eventually leave me, right? Then, I will smile again. Some stray chords will remind me of these days and what I potentially might have lost. In memory of that memory, as a respect, will spend few tears and some silent moments. Life will go on, but every minute I will realize, I'm poorer without you. I have let go of you, as the person I loved, as the person I wanted. But to have you as a person I befriended, I have exerted myself beyond myself, but I'm not sure how successful I'm and how comfortable I'm with this new phase.

Our friendship was pure. Belonging was true. You are the best, one of my best. I loved you. I held you dear. Your name will be in all my silent prayers. I thank God, for you.

You can reply me back with your silence, or you can choose to tell how you feel, but please never say, 'sorry'.

I would love to keep in touch, not to remember, but to forget.

Love,

Me

In the background: Tune