Saturday, December 1, 2007

Drought is destitute, but I had the dew..,

.....Something profound stops me from my next words. One of these days, I will not stop at this juncture. My pledge to you will not hold me down and I will let the world know what transpired in that letter. Well, perhaps, tomorrow.

That tomorrow has indeed arrived!

My dearest,

I don't know what I want to write, and I’m only half aware about what I'm writing. But I'm writing this nevertheless, because I wanted to talk to you and tell you about all this and I know that if I don't do it now, then it’s going to be never. This is not a postmortem of the events or eulogy to it. Just feel like saying it. That's all.

The past two months had been like a dream. And today when I'm looking back at what has happened I'm feeling as if I'm being somebody else. What made me say all that I said, what made me want all that I wanted, I still don't know. When I was all lonely and lost, you shone on me like a beacon. It was as if magically confounded by the glow of that friendship, I began trusting you, deeply, blindly. And one day, when you said what you felt, it was as if like a wake- up-call, awakening my senses, rousing me off my dreams into the present, consciously realizing what I had know all along. You were the resonance in my veins. You were my sunshine. You were singularly special. You were specifically lovely. You were one of the sweetest of hearts I knew. Though only for a few days that it lasted, I felt wanted, I felt comforted and protected. I felt nice. It was a kind of chill feeling, something new and something different. I smiled, I rejoiced and I lived in harmony with my self and the world. I thank God, for those days. However short-lived you may claim your emotions were, I know and I wish it were true and sincere.

You were my main.

But the wake-up-call became the knell. And now that I have walked past the beacon, my darker side precedes my every stride. Threatening shadows all around me. May be the “yes-angels” heard your 'No's more than they heard my 'Please's. Things changed in rapid succession, in a gruesome way. Whom I though would be there to wipe off my tears, made me cry my heart out! It pained and it still pains me so much, thinking about how my life would have been with the person I dearly loved. You dismissed a heart that loved you, that thought you were indulgent, elemental and life. Sure, you have pushed me to extremes, played me with words, confided my very personals-only you ought to know stuff -with others, neglected, insulted and chided me. I know, I have let you treat me in the most demeaning of ways possible, but I let you do that anyways, because I believed I loved you. I have spent some tears, not lamenting on my love not being reciprocated, but for the pain I'm putting myself through with all the drama. But my heart was like the soft rubber ball you throw away from you. However harassed and humiliated the ball might feel, it will dutifully came back to you. So did my heart. And sometimes when I think that I'm the most pained one on earth and there is no more pain one can feel, I remember your story and instantly my heart aches and cries for you. And that made me believe in my love, even more so. Your denial was a kind of chill feeling, something new and something different, in a varied sense all together. I cried, I struggled and I lived in total dishonesty with my self and the world. I thank God, for those days. However tough it was, it was the most precious, humbling and enlightening experience for me so far.

You are my void.

I treasure the memories - your tiny eyes, the dark rimmed glasses, those lovely cute smiles, the accidental touches, those blushes, and the undeniable truth - hard and bitter. They say love is a slow poison, a silent killer. If I believe that, then the poison you induced in me, of which I still feel I have traces left, will one day be out of my system. The poison now scorching my being to the very core and soul will only go on till it has something left to gnaw upon; and it will eventually leave me, right? Then, I will smile again. Some stray chords will remind me of these days and what I potentially might have lost. In memory of that memory, as a respect, will spend few tears and some silent moments. Life will go on, but every minute I will realize, I'm poorer without you. I have let go of you, as the person I loved, as the person I wanted. But to have you as a person I befriended, I have exerted myself beyond myself, but I'm not sure how successful I'm and how comfortable I'm with this new phase.

Our friendship was pure. Belonging was true. You are the best, one of my best. I loved you. I held you dear. Your name will be in all my silent prayers. I thank God, for you.

You can reply me back with your silence, or you can choose to tell how you feel, but please never say, 'sorry'.

I would love to keep in touch, not to remember, but to forget.



In the background: Tune

1 comment:

vivitsa said...

Never, ever stop writing dear cousin!!!