Stream of consciousness

The metronome of the chirping cricket pierces the serenity of the drip drop of the flowing water. Surprisingly, it's not annoying. Its interlude is in fact quite ... amalgamating? Is that a word? One side of the four petals of the fountain is flowing short, she notices. Following that thought comes another thought, which is, that, it’s quite brilliant she can make up the petal analogy for the flowing sides of the fountain. There isn’t anyone who is going to know that! There is a light in the far away window. It had earlier painted a nauseatingly domestic picture of a family having dinner, laughing and burping and sharing days’ worth of missed words! She turns her head away from that. There is a slight movement near the bush… probably frogs or something sinister that has been making the wheezing sound. A garden snake slithers into the fountain lake. It could be a light twig moving in the wind. Said wind carries the tantalizing aroma of drying grass settling down for the sultry night of promising rain. Its quiet erotic if one is into that sort of thing! Sprawling further comfortably on the dry lawn she turns her head heaven wards! Heaven ward! Again, nice phrasing! Is that light that’s twinkling far to the west some bright star...probably Venus or simply just a tower with blinky light?
Ah, who cares!
Ti-ting announces the sound. The first thing that pops in the mind "I'm not going to talk every again!" makes her chuckle. Like a drunken promise, I-won’t-talk-again has been broken many number of times that it has become a reflex to think that with every sigh.

Hey, she says wearily with all intentions to avoid talking.

Hi, comes a sort of bored automatic response!

This breaks the wont-talk idea into smithereens and brings the gruff reply; I have heard all that you have say.

And yet, and yet..

Time lapses into the sort of silence which precariously balances on the weak one's will to keep it together.

Maybe I’am the problem

Hmm. Maybe!

DON'T start!

On comes the complicated roll of eyes

This time it’s the other one who plays the card

The things you take for granted someone else is praying for.

Uh! rolls in the downward turn of the lips. Not exactly what I asked for.

You don’t know the end game

What do I care about the end? Don’t like the current play

You know, giving up is easy

Now! I have heard this bullshit from many people many times. It’s not about a moment’s mad decision. It is a culmination of a millions of indecisions having no point to play

The fountain flows fracturedly into the windy night

Look around you, look at the beauty, says the tiny Voice of the Head!

It'd still be beautiful tomorrow.

You don’t know that.

I don’t have to.

If you don’t like what you have, try and change it.

What if trying is what is killing you.

Don’t be dramatic. It will definitely be alright!

You know, everyone needs a purpose in life. Something to hold on to – a faith. A reason. A finger. A hope. Atleast. Something.

I think you like being this way

No. And that’s the point

Isn’t there no fight left in you.

I still have you. Annoyingly! But what else is the point. Fight and then fight some more! Where is the peace!

Peace is when you want it.

Exactly.

The last light in the far away curtain goes off for the night. Symbolic, that is.

Until the morrow!

LiveTweetingVayKay

Starting this series..

..to keep a log of gyans that udhith during vacation that when said out loud or in a more popular (ahem!!) space would have people doubling their eye -rolls and not so subtly shifting away!!

So dear non-existant reader..today you get to be the hero.and.the audience!!

#LiveTweetingVayKay

Just saying,starting this series.

The Old King's Fool from Sonnet 155

I need to be able to write a write-up for this wonderful song. But all I can think of is, if you would just hear it you would know what I feel. The Shakespearean tragedy cried out by the violin... the subtle interlude of passionate memories holding on to the what-was and what-could-have-been...vague thinkings of is it Music or is it the Voice...all performed live. What more? Well, go on Ache with my heart
P.S: This is my interpretation of the lyrics; and as always I hear what I want to hear... So it might not be what Tim intended!

LEAR

Does any here know me? Why, this is not Lear.
Doth Lear walk thus? Speak thus?
Where are his eyes?
Either his notion weakens, his discerning’s are lethargied.
Ha, (sleeping or) waking?
(Sure), ’tis not so.
Who is it that can tell me who I am?

FOOL

Lear’s shadow.

Memories all around!
Keep them from disappearing
Pretending to yourself
You've seen the last of them
But, it all comes together
all you can do is try
to hurt each other less
to hurt each other less
to hurt each other ...less

CORDELIA

Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave
My heart into my mouth: I love your majesty
According to my bond; nor more nor less.

LEAR

How, how, Cordelia! Mend your speech a little,
Lest it may mar your fortunes.

King! He held a fool
Like Love was holding you
Sleeping in his arms
Weeping till the dawn
We're all in disguise!
Will we have to say our love
if we hurt each other less
and hurt each other less
and hurt each other ...less

CORDELIA

Good my Lord,
You have begot me, bred me, loved me:
I return those duties back as are right fit,
Obey you, love you, and most honour you.
Why have my sister's husbands, if they say they love you all?
Haply, when I shall wed,
That Lord whose hand must take my plight
shall carry half my love with him, half my care and duty:
Sure, I shall never marry like my sisters, to love my father all.

Storms followed by summer sun
burning colors coming down
The Circle never ends
Wheels are turning in
'Cause we shared another room
The walls are blues and gray!
When we hurt each other less
we hurt each other less

LEAR

But goes thy heart with this?

CORDELIA

Ay, my good lord.

LEAR

So young, and so untender?

CORDELIA

So young, my lord, and true.

When we hurt each other less
we hurt each other less

LEAR

Why, thou wert better in a grave than to answer with thy
uncover'd body this extremity of the skies?
Is man no more than this?
Consider him well.
Thou ow'st the worm no silk
the beast no hide, the sheep no wool
the cat no perfume!
Ha! Here's three on's are sophisticated!
Thou are the thing itself; unaccommodated man is no more
but such a poor, bare, forked animal as thou art.
Come, off, you lendings!
Come, unbutton here.

I'm not here... This isn't happening' ... We all lived

This is one of those days when everything makes sense yet something doesn’t.

How not different, you say? Yea, I realized that as I wrote that…

Anyway…. The work is easing off and I’m back in the slump of crash and verge of boredom. As such, I was casting around for something to do, hoping it would be something to obsess over, I landed on “How to disappear completely” by Radiohead. I had come across the name of the song before, in some reading or the other. But I had not paid much attention to lyrics or made an effort to listen to it.

Today is one of those days when I figured...why not?

So I YouTube it and put on my ear plugs. Normally for the first few hearings I get the karaoke video mainly to get the lyrics down (that is the most important piece of the music, don’t you agree) but primarily because karaoke versions have low risk of being NSFW than the actual video.

But today is one of those days when I thought…

I wanted to figure the lyrics by myself…. I mean how hard it is going to be! So I started playing the song…. Noting the lyrics as he sang (oh, so divine) and reached until here..

That there
That’s not me
I go where I please
I walk through all/walls
I float down the leafy(?)
I’m not here… This isn’t happening!
I’m not here… I’m not here!
In a/my little while/ world
I’ll be gone
The moments already passed
Yea… yea... it’s gone!
And I’m not here… This isn’t happening!
I’m not here

After that the “Connection to Server” was lost. Normal occurrence…via office network and all… so can’t complain. I tried clicking on the next video listed. Same place, same pause. Then again the next and the next!

Angry!

I have run out of lyrics-videos to play and started playing the video-video ones. The same!

Creepy.

I even tried playing the whole album. But you must have guessed by now where it stopped. (If not, I worry for your sanity… seeing as I have helped you to puzzle this out by dedicating the entire post for this insignificant occurrence)

Scary.

Putting the sillyness aside (woefully)…. Here’s what I’m thinking and this is what led me to break the ennui, become the master of introspection and to re-dust this withering space of a blog….fuelled on by this singular Radiohead annoyance.
Recently, lately, I have been thinking a lot about coincidences, futility of occurrences, our control(?) over the way things collide and disperse, how we pick up strands of them to make some sort of cohesive minutiae, the itch to make sense of things, utility of knowledge to make leaps across the dots….

Today is one of those days.

As like I have done many a-times before I think I might start a process of recording how one snippet of attention leads to an obsession which then leads to the next. May be I will lose interest in the project because of the expectations to record the finding. Or maybe, just maybe it will help me arrive at the answer to the question of ….what was it again?

Yes… the concept of ‘would I have known this had I not have done this”...i.e., If I was not at Point A , would I have reached Point B. Mind; A and B could both be patently ridiculous in the scheme of things, which truthfully shouldn’t deserve all this thought and action. But it would be interesting to note which leads to where and how the picture will end up being. Sort of like the children’s puzzle of ‘Connect the dots’… except in this grown up version the dots are invisible until you start from a source in a direction entirely of your choice and keep reaching until you hit a spot.

You may ask why this is important, or how is it relevant, or what is it going to achieve, or where does it end, or I don’t know any other question words - there should be 2 more, at least! But I don’t have an answer to any of them. Because I don’t know!

And today is one of those days where I can’t be arsed to find out.

But this business with the Radiohead is freaking me out. What karmic presence needs to intervene for me to hear that damn song? I have been at it for the last 2 hours. Not just this…. But only just.

Anyways , what are you non-pathetic folks up to?

The SCREAM

If not for voices that wont STFU,
'twixt the demonic real and reel
Nerve-ending drama gets me all riled
Oh no, it's not a weird dream
I tell you, its quite like "The Scream"
Distant sound's all a drone,
groan,a bad trombone
Images and thoughts, about, I barely care
Go round around garden like a teddy bear
chasing up a yarn with deafening snare
With colors and shades a blare
Even under safety of shut eyes
Million red dots light up the night sky
Now I know I ought get in some sleep
The prospect looks bleak!
Until then you get to hear the s...
about what's on, in my migraine head!

                                              - The other one!

That crazy person absolutely refuses to leave!

Sometimes, some memories stick with you forever just for the simple fact that you just can’t forget about it. (Yea, like that makes sense!)

Anyways, this is one such memory for me – a memory about two wonderful years I spent doing… almost nothing… learning almost nothing. Nevertheless it was such a poignant phase of my life. I was just out of college, another memory thread, quiet powerful and affecting, but just as weird.

This particular time period was one of the hardest, dreams crushing, self-worth doubt inducing yet the most fun days of my life. No reason to feel happy about and get all goose-bumpy, but…

We were this bunch of people who graduated from one of the esteemed institutions of the country and had taken up the job in one of the mass recruiting, quiet respected (at least, our moms and some mamis they met in certain weddings did... and the mamis are o statistically never wrong… so there you go) multi national software company. They put us through rigorous knowledge training, because they knew and understood that college education was all eye-wash and that we needed some professional training, that ‘real-life’ so direly required. So the group was split and each segment posted off to different towns, new to few, almost home to some others. Although cut short, the groups attracted other available crazy souls, and turned the training sessions into such a farce, that at one time a instructor walked in and almost had to, at great physical effort, restrain himself from yelling, ‘That’s it. Now all of you stand up on the bench’. So juvenile was our crowd that they decided enough was enough and sent us back to the real world to fend for ourselves. So again the group split and regrouped, quiet ethnically. And again it was nothing new. At one time, some HR folks got together and had us go to an informal gathering, addressing us in the pretext of orientation, and gave out advices to survive in this big bad world, and one memorable quote from that was “Remember! This is not college”.  But honestly, there was no motivation for us to change. We were the same bunch of people at the lunch table at the food court, as we were at the mess hall of the college. We had this insane slang, which quite frankly lot of people found offensive, because our talks were littered with it. And to add to all that we had a weird sense of humor, if you could call it humor. To be fair to us, we tried bringing people into the group. The fact that it turned out to be an epic fail was not our fault. Then there was this, ‘Bigheads, so you come from that college doesn’t mean you know everything” thrown at us, which easily baffled us, because not one of us would ever own up to the fact we know anything, simply because we don’t know anything! Some people pitied us, pitied this floating bunch of kids, trying to fit in. Few others were arrogant and tried to establish their superiority/ hierarchy over the kids with good pedigree to prove that they had bigger... whatevers!

We played cows-and-bulls in the project meetings, exchanged ring tones in town-hall meetings, missed office bus and chased behind it in autos, text flirted during open sessions, never missed office unless really sick or there’s project deadlines, slept on the morning bus ride, blogged, read novels under the desk, punctually attended coffee with friends, bitched about seniors, crushed on the same guy, giggled when some people moved out of ear shot, played translate crapy-FMsongs-to-English on the ride back home, play FRIENDS trivia, group participated in almost all extra curricular, non-technical quiz activity and cheated and discussed crossword puzzles and all other silliness. True to every word, we had FUN. We were this spoilt, respectable outcasts, detestable trainees and weirdos with college syndrome, with an air of detached interest in all things Work. Almost all of us would be hanging out in the public or creative domain – commenting or posting or reading and re-reading archives – sometimes in technical areas and most times in Leisure and Cartoon areas. Some people wondered why in the world we were there if we hated it so much. But the fact was we didn’t hate it. Not so much, at least. We just saw that as a venue change, a place where we continued to live in the way we had for the past four years, only difference being, we get to go back home (or PGs) instead of the dorm rooms/ wings. Rest was just technicality.

Then slowly the inevitable “growing-up” happened. Owing to a number of reasons – Some unfortunate souls, from different background, volunteered to become our friends and thus bringing in some sensibility; Reporting managers tightened the reins and loaded us with work… something we seldom had any clue about; Or maybe because the ‘other’ folks figured out that divide&dilute was the only strategy that could work. We tamed down a little bit, and leashed the inner college kid to surface only on command, and settled into the grind of work! And I’m happy to report we thrived. Or changed projects to a saner lead! 

And it was all just a decade back. Almost!

Weird, no?  Exaclty!

Untitled

"To be an actor is to double and divide oneself, to discover oneself in two parts: both oneself and not oneself, both the part and not the part" - David Marshall, English Professor, University of California, Santa Barbara, regarding Midsummer's Night Dream!