Routine is effectively disturbed. No predictability about tomorrow.
And that is scary.
The calendar is empty. Table ornaments are packed to be taken home. Passes and accesses are surrendered, stamped and cleared - ‘No Dues’. Farewell speeches are given. Advices are taken. Lunch and gifts exchanged. Clichéd mails are sent out. A final goodbye, a last sweeping look and I will be done. Relieved of all responsibilities!
And I’m lost. Burdened with doubts and fear!
May be I’m not recognizing the randomness of my life in its true spirit. The sense of suspense and variety is what many ache for in their normal, scheduled and so according to them a boring life. I did too. When day after day, the same rhythm, the same duties, the same monotony wore me down. Now that I have choice, variety and suspense of the unknown tomorrow, instead of being thrilled I’m suddenly feeling as if I have no stability; that I have no direction, no balance. There seems no method in the madness. I guess the residual feelings for the accustomed way of life is getting in the way and disturbing me. Acknowledged! But I should also be realizing the value of the change, the range of other opportunities and such, for the gift that it is. Yes. I should and I’m going to try.
At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable. So is change illa?
Next, I have all the time in the world. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it.
I think the first thing I’m going to put the “all the time in the world” to use is to list the things that I’m going to miss.
• First and foremost, coffee. Hot and refreshing all around the clock. Just have to ask, one kaapi.
• Second most important thing, the hour long drive. It’s an effective alone time. Enake enaka. There is something alluring in the dull and monotonous almost thalatugira motion of the vehicle, the warm air and noise blowing in from the rolled down windows, the view zooming past, random thoughts and mindless FM music.
• Friends. Just ping or buzz and you can see them. They are there to pick you up when things are rough. Sometimes you don’t even have to ask. They’ll know.
• Companionship. I’m listing this as a separate thing because it means so much to me. The ups and down are treated alike, things are taken in the passing in a somewhat ‘who cares’ detached sense etc...All good things.
• Special-ness of weekend. The anticipation starts first thing on Monday mornings. AH! The sweet relief of weekends.
• Breakfast. That’s one thing that’s really going to get cut now that I have no routine.
• Identity. In the current society, when what I do amounts to who I’m, this serves as my identity, a label to my success. Now I’m going to ‘just be a....’
• Dependability. It’s a common thing in my household to hear me say, ‘Let me check with my office folks on this. At least one of them might have an idea’, for just about anything from tax debates to baby colic’s.
• Tabs on the new fashion. Won’t elaborate!!
• Diversion. Actually it works either ways. From domestics to there and from there to domestics. If one gets too much I can escape into the other. Time apart to puts things in perspective. Thank God for days and nights and work and play.
• Adjusting temperaments. It’s actually a good thing, a survival thing. The chance to meet and work alongside people of different personalities helps you to become a good judge of character. Helps and necessitates keeping temper (for that, any emotion) in check. (And my Mother’s favorite ‘Anga solara vellaiya mugam sulikaama seiyara, inga yean edhirkara?’ sometimes makes sense, and sometimes makes me want to say ‘Well I have no choice there. Here at least you hear of it’. Somehow I never tell her that. Why to destroy her illusion that I’m adangifying somewhere at least?)
• General public awareness. I think that’s common to every place with lots of people in scene.
• Developing new interests. With avenues and interested folks available, this is sure significant thing. I have personally benefited significantly from this.
There are of course other blahs, like career, growth, financial independence, woman freedom, ‘wasting your education’. All those aside, these are the humble things that I’m going to miss a lot.
That’s all I can think of. If you can come up with anything besides ‘Office gossip’ please leave a message/comment.
So whatever, it’s a major change tomorrow. Hope indha naal iniya naalaga iruka and days that follow too.