Random nothings...

During this arduous week I have come to realize

• Destiny is much powerful and any mere human attempts to change it are nothing but a mockery. I so wanted to attend a function, was planning for it for months, was waiting for it for weeks, arranged important schedules around it, but looks like I’m going to be absent, for no fault of mine, but because I missed a routine and minor factor which .....

• When you want it postponed, that’s when it’s on or before time. When you want it ahead, that’s when it’s on or after time. When you want it on time that’s when it decides not to show up. So....

• There is no point in being angry and disappointed at something over which you have no control. This also goes for....

• Babies. They have their own rules of what they want. Most of the times it doesn’t make any real sense. If you even will it to change it results in tantrums and crying that takes the last drop of energy in your blood to put back right. But you don’t want to give in too. It’s a vicious and insane thing, this parenting. When the baby cries ‘Amma aanaam... doo...’ and would not let me lift her or come near her or in her vision, the heart literally bleeds out and life until that point seems a failure. That’s when....

• I feel the butterflies more. Fear of unknown or the anticipation of the future? Either ways....

• The need grows more. I’m still looking, more urgently, for that one person who is un-related, non label-able but who can be my all, my friend, my mentor, my spiritual aide, my enabler, my brother, my support.... Where the eff are you? If you ever read this, call me. I want to talk to you. Did you know...

• Few relations are beyond money. They spend for you, they work for you, they care for you, they listen to you when you are ranting, they comfort you when you are crying, they advise you exactly when you need it, they pick you up before you hit the bottom... all this unasked. I value them and should remember to value them forever. So...

• Why couldn’t gifts be roses and jasmines, kisses and hugs, cakes and balloons, best wishes and regards? Why couldn’t I be happy with just them? All these days why did I feel I need ‘things’ to make them prove how much I’m worth and show me what they think of me by buying ‘things’? All this packing is making me lose my interest in anything materialistic and make me want to embrace ‘Minimalistic living’. And why....

• Sometimes the feeling I’m losing everything sort of numbs me and why sometimes the feeling I have nothing to lose is a high? Maybe because....

• Strength of body is weirdly tied to the strength of mind. When you are un-interested though body is not tired it is a big chore to even raise a finger. When mind is in hyper drive you can continuously clean, pack and work without a break for 7 hours. Whatever....

• I want to take a piece of wet cloth and wipe the dirty, scribbled and scratched blackboard fresh. I want to write only those things there such that I won’t have the need in time to ever erase it.

As I stand in the middle of the living room with three huge boxes open in front of me, I realize what I really wanted to take with me will not fit in just those 3 of 23kgs. The memories and feelings left behind will definitely haunt me in the future silence.

When all this is going through me, someone asks, ‘So all set a? Excited a’ I just numbly smile at them and nod. Thank God for that strength.