Killing her softly

Slave to his song, she was
A stranger he was, to her
Strumming her feelings with words,
Singing as if he knew her...as
Though had lived with her, in her past
Reading her every thought
Her heart’s unfinished letters
Her soul’s deepest desire
He lived, not realizing her presence
She, in agony, that he is there around

The song of friendship…
In the rhyme of words
‘I miss u da’, clichéd
which she treasured and wanted more
The tune of dearness…
In the rhythm of care
‘Der r moments in life…’
which she possessed and wanted more
He a dream in relaity
But a reality in dream

The incentives comes at an expense
Not for the rainbow,
But for the sunshine she yearn
He maybe miles and smiles away
Yet, in a phrase, in a song, in a scent he lives
So close, very close that it makes her gasp for breath
The moral he explained
A reason to smile, even now

She wants to hear him say it
Only once…just once!
Desperately wants it to be a reality
She is prepared to wait till eternity…

Returning

It is really bugging to be back at a place where I had spent quite some happy time….. still fresh in memory.
…the memory of a time well spent…a time where a beautiful relationship blossomed…the memory which will be always special…
It is Kapila I’m taking about…an IPC kinds in my campus
Now when seeing the place once occupied by us (my team) being occupied by some body else….who just walk through the space oblivious of the memory it holds for me….with just no respect for the place which is held in high esteem by me…a place where it was all fun and work being spoilt by laziness and lethargy…the place that taught me so much being mis-used for chatting and sleeping and giggling…the artifacts once revered by me, and which holds a deep running connection with the people associated with, being spoilt by some one else…it pains…
I’m just not coming to terms with it.
Now if I come to think of it, this is how I may feel when I go back to the BITS…I don’t think I want to go back and see the things that I once enjoyed being populated and enjoyed by some body else…
I’m satisfied with just the memory…

Roller coaster emotions

My character is not of the one who offers to do anything without being asked to. Be it any help or suggestion. But yesterday, I did not know what, that made me ask it? Well, I know now!
In my two month long stay here days were generally gray and dull. Finally the day was nearing for me to clear out and return back. This Friday!!
He, on his way to moving on to the next best level in his career, had to come here on official purpose. A very nice person to be with and a sweet friend, promptly brought along nice sunshine and smiles! The sun will shine in the near by zone not for long, as it is on its way, moving on to a far distant land.
For the homecoming, I had my tickets booked on a train and he had his booked on a bus. On the same day! As the train leaves very early in the day, I was double minded, no, not before his arrival. No. And once it was confirmed that he had a ticket for the bus which leaves the city at a comfortable time, I was tempted to change my travel plan.
It was me who suggested that I would also like to travel along in the bus. First ploy of fate! Should have realized! I dint and made to cancel the already booked train-ticket and asked for the same bus. Second ploy- when all trains are running full for another week or so, is it not surprising to get a ticket in a bus for the next day? I was as usual a victim to prank of laws-of- life, this time around too. Was very much elated that I could manage a travel with him! When am I again to meet him after this week, so was pretty much determined that the little time we had together we should be together.
Maybe it is mentioned in the logs of destiny that I should not be too excited for such things and that euphoria is short lived. To prove this popped a message from him ‘I’m traveling by air this weekend’. Project pressures! I don’t know how well to describe how I felt that instance. It is not always that, only when big dreams are shattered it pains so much. Even when small, meaningless fantasies are broken, it hurts too. At that moment when I was trying to come to terms with the reality came a call from the travel agent, ‘Bus ticket confirmed. Seats H1, H2.Please collect!’
What else can u call this apart from a stupid, in-sensitive plot of some one above? How else can u reason this?
And a message to top it all, ‘I feel sorry about the travel. Really really really sorry’. What more can he say and what more can I expect him to say!
Or what can anybody say!
Another taste of disappointment! But of things that life has taught me, it has surprisingly and conveniently failed to teach me to cope with this one particular emotion.
*
P.S: This blog comes coz as D.H Lawrence once said "My creativity is at its best, when I’m busy hating something fiercely". Maybe this is not as creative as it is supposed to be. But c’mon one can’t be expected to write best when one is in a towering temper and has no better way to vent out the boiling feeling. The temper is because there is no one to actually blame on and ease the disappointment.

Assertiveness Skill

“Would you come to the project party? Don’t worry, it won’t be long”
No. Thanks.
“Can u stay here for another one month? It is not that important, but you have been assigned work.”
No.
“Shall we dance in the rain?”
No. I had rather enjoy the rain indoors.
“What would you like to have? Never mind. I will order pizza for you”
No. I would like to have a burger.
“Where can we go shopping? We will go to Hyd Central!”
No. I’m too tired to go shopping.
“Whom do you keep messaging to? Would u like to tell me?”
No. Not yet.
“Why are you wearing this dress to the party? I guess you would need to change before the event”
No. I’m comfortable in this.
“Are u upset? Would u like to talk about what’s troubling you?”
No. Thanks. I can manage myself.
“Come over this weekend”
No. Have some important work to complete.
*
Simple, though, it sounds now. Just two letters! Just two letters!
Wish I had said it then.

Power of love!

Does love really have the power? The power to change the basic personality/ haracteristics of a person! By love I’m mean not about affection or liking but about the one you share with just one person of the opposite gender. This question occurred to me after I had a long chat with one friend of mine. I had witnessed this very good mate undergo a huge transformation after she found her special person.
I remember the days in my senior days in school, when no one could mistake her to being any thing other than a sweet, talkative girl with happy-go-lucky attitude for any matter, far from the types who are really touchy and sensitive. It would be hard to sustain her interest in something for more than a few days, well except maybe music. Her personality, when I first met her, which then struck me as a bubbly and fun loving did not change much even after we stepped into college. In college each day was pure fun what with meeting up with many new friends, movies and mastee and if there was some time left, then studies. We slowly transformed into good and more mature friends.
And then it happened. Without any planning, without any warning, the lighting struck her and she fell in love. During the second term of the first year, she met him.
‘He is also into music’, she had said. He had heard this. She became interested in the instrument he played. A rare phenomenon would occur whenever his name was mentioned in her presence, she fell silent.
One thing I should say about the college was that, apart from its glorious merits and fame, it offered one advantage. It was the ample opportunities for people to meet up with each other, at anytime; be it day or night. What with the sports festival, the culturals, the classical events and the technical symposiums! Then the second year came and she said, ‘He is brilliant. And he is sweet too!!’ Quite a true statement considering his academic achievements!! She became very much interested in all things that concerned him; right from what book he read to which music band he liked.., to name a few. He was aware of this.
It was soon our third year, with loads to study bringing us all friends more closer to each other. The second term of the third year, probably the last term together on campus, she said, ‘You know what, he is very attached to his family. He keeps talking about his sis with so much love and affection.I really like that. Guess he is the guy for me!’ He has indeed spoken to her. She became secretive and moody for days at a time.
She was happy and fun but I could say there was some thing running in the back of her mind. Then our finals days in college fast approached, with tensions about placements and future. ‘Yeah, right! Future! How would it be for me if it was with him’ she had emailed me. He had been teased at the farewell party.
To part is the way of life. And to meet again is the hope of life. That’s the way it is for her.
The once happy girl is still so but with a small voice at the back of her mind whispering his name quite very often.
Love is indeed fascinating!

My nest

Being in the crowd, yet being alone. This can precisely summarize how it is for me now. Getting back to the un-naturally clean, guest-house of mine in the evening is not pleasing to me. In the confines of my room though I have been provided with all facilities I would need for the short nights I spend there (may be more than what I would actually be needing), I could feel a distinct emptiness. The things around are just artifacts, which is as un-lively as it is supposed to be. No object has that charm, has that appeal, that small lovely memory with it, which could bring a smile to your lips and a bubble to your heart. The cold walls, where there is nothing but loneliness staring at you from every corner, made me appreciate how drastically different is the place outside the world called home. A home is a place where …. I don’t know!!! I have tried (Really! tried) to bring out what home is (not in any particular order).

To me HOME is,

Where there is always a second chance,
Where there are feelings unexpressed yet felt, words unsaid yet understood,
Where every whine is heard as much as every victory is celebrated,
Where it is ok to cry,
Where you can speak your mind and still be perfectly friendly again,
Where there is no need to feign cuteness to please,
Where you can be the way you are and yet be accepted,
Where sorry and thanks are unheard of,
Where one’s problem is every other person’s problem,
Where crying ‘coz of them is unheard of, as much as crying for them,
Where failure is not a sin, but a step to the top,
Where no job/activity is derogatory
Where there are no made up excuses,
Where every one close to you can see right through you,
Where you really are a part of the group you belong to,
Where you will be missed for occasions as silly as even for the evening dinner,
Where there is no need for decorated words to prove you-self,
Where every one is respected beyond prejudices,
Where every brick speak of love and comfort,
Where you own everything though u don’t own anything,
Where your opinion is asked and is really considered,
Where you don’t have to wait for your chance to speak,
Where you can decide,
Where even in the harshest of winter there are sunrays,
Where love spells magic,
Where you can dance as if no one is watching
…Sing as if no one is listening
…Love as if you r going to die tomorrow,
Where even F.R.I.E.N.D.S have a different meaning,
Where there is always some one to welcome,
…Some one’s shoulder to rest on
….Some one’s hand that can be held day and night
Where Things are always what they seem!!!

I miss you!!

right here right there..

Pre.S: To make up for the crappy blog, before this.
I have been feeling out of place for the past two days. In short, after coming to Hyderabad!
I really don’t have an idea, y it is so! The DC is good, the city has slight evening drizzles almost everyday and it’s adorably breezy. The mood is generally good around. The work is very hectic, giving me no time to think about other stuff and I have a good company. Go back to my nest late in the night with time only for a swift dinner and sleep. I hardly have time to watch TV to distract me. But what is the problem?
Is it because I’m missing my family; or missing Rhea, who has gone to Mumbai for some health reasons; or missing W who seems so near yet so far away; or missing my sweet team there in Chennai; or missing my sweet and understanding Sir who has become someone I shall never have, again; or it because I feel so alienated in this new city?
I’m no stranger to separation. I have been to at a residential college for 4 years, had been frequenting places. But it has never convincingly thought me to bare the separation or i-miss-u factor. I have been to Bangalore for months. But never felt like this before. No wait, there was that one time, I have come close to feeling like this. When my training was called off and posted to Chennai. I had then attributed the feeling to being over anxious about the entry in the professional world. Recently I had been to Bangalore for completing my called off training. Even then I was quite company-less and had loads of work to do. But never once did I feel restless like this.
I can only think of one reason to justify my stand this time. All my previous trips were something I had been looking forward to for some reason or the other. But this one is kind of forced on me, something I dint want to happen at all. (This logic is also capable of explaining my professional-jitters this time last year). All in all, I just want to return back to my own place and escape from the mushy-mush I'm made to hear every day and night.Y God y me of all.Where ever I go, whom ever I meet when its a sidee-state-affair, why is that always have to be "in love".