Here’s why I don’t make resolutions.

When I quit my job (again!) last summer I had a whole list of things I had put down as to-do.

1. Read a book, at least one in a week
2. Write more often
3. Develop interest in some craft
4. Learn to cook more traditional from-grandma’s-kitchen recipes
5. …
6. ..

I don’t remember the rest of that huge list. I knew even when I jotted them down that I wouldn’t be able to do all that I’m setting myself up for. But I really hoped that I would at least try and succeed in one of the many. They seemed important yet pretty easy then.

Cut to six months later.

It so happens that the only reason I remember these four items are because these are the things that I’m most guilty about not trying.

Being at-home, it’s not like I don’t have the time. And it’s not like I have lots of free time either. Daily chore or important work, that being irrelevant, I have my hands full. I’m fully occupied throughout the day with one thing or the other. And in the daily grind of things, personal to-do lists, or in other words personal growth, seems to have a taken a back seat.

So I’m loaded with guilt for not pursuing my interests(?!?), embarrassed that I don’t have the needed will power for keeping up resolutions and irritated at why I even bother setting up goals and so on.

Anyways, that being the prelude, I was reading ‘By the river Piedra I sat down and wept’, which I’m attempting to finish for a long time. And yesterday a particular line struck me. Exercising the Other! The book advises us to release the “Other” from our being so that we can truly understand the point of “Living in the moment”.That surprisingly caught my attention.

{Aside:To state what would now be the obvious I have not proceeded any further with the book so I don’t know if my take is correct on what the Other is. But if ever I get the book renewed or rather if I ever get my Husband to renew the book for me (as the library card is in his name/ account; well apparently if you don’t own a credit card you don’t amount to much, not less rent/lend/loan a book) I hope I’m right in my understanding of it, as meant by the author.}

To confess, when I read the line "The exercise of the Other" I thought the Other could be anything; Anything at all that’s tying one down. Could be laziness, jealousy, hatred, anger, disappointment or just another vice.

I have lots of such, I know I’m deeply flawed as like any other if not more, and I have been carrying a lot of negativity in me. Mulling unwonted thoughts over and again so much that it has become a standard and it is, I feel, starting to tint my view of the world and people.

That leads me to think I would be a proper candidate for the exercising or rather exorcising the Other.

Negativity, if removed from the being what would be left, I’m curious to know. So I have decided to the ‘Exercise', to keep a log and me on track. So predictably, I hope to publish a daily status update kinda thing about what particularly strikes me every day as a problem (or situation or event). It could have another advantage too. Instead of churning the thoughts round and round in my mind I can pour it out here and try to clear my mind - kind of my own version of ‘Disassociative therapy’ (if there is one such. I think there is some: My dad used to tell me to view myself as a third person in times of stress so that I can objectively evaluate and gets things in perspective).

Realization is the first step toward understanding the problem and trying to find means to solve it.

And that’s “My Project 365”.

One day at a time.

{Aside: Is it mentioned anywhere in Harry Potter series that after Dumbledore and Snape store their memories in the Pensieve did they really forget about that? More like they had index in their mind and the actual content is in the Pensieve?}

I hate my guts

It seems like a long time ago that I had an enviable waist line. It’s unbelievable, yet it’s true. The chocolates and chips and jams and other sinful savories I consumed somehow magically didn’t show on me. People who know me from my high school years or early college days can attest to that. Though it was around that time that my friends in my group started worrying about daily calorie consumption, I continued skipping meals and eating biscuits instead, and didn’t care about any of healthy stuff and never exercised. Even with all that I was really petite then. XS actually. (So thin that some people in my family were concerned if my Mother was feeding me right). So a no-flap, tight belly was not a highlight at all in my already lean form. I wasn't especially proud of my hip either. The truth is I didn’t care.

I’m still petite. Size wise! Now I choose right, exercise enough and have a cardio-friendly diet. I read the labels for ‘Calorie from Fat’ before I buy a product. But I worry if my waist number will overtake my age number. After trying all ways to reduce the piled on kilos especially in the abs, I somehow seemed to add to it. So now I’m on the defense. I’m trying to at least not put on any more than what is already there. If reduction isn’t working maintaining is the only option and even that’s hard work. I do the right things and yet I’m unhappy about the result. The truth is I care.

Bad crappy irony, I say.

Good thing winter is here. With all the bulky sweaters I don’t have to worry about my perpetual bump showing.

Cow-u, cow-u...Holy cow-u

Some status messages from Facebook are funny, sarcastic and worth …. My pick for the week is

1. After 3D and 4D the latest trend is Kolaveri di - Kuka
2. “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” – Stephen King
3. Latest addition to the ‘Worst password’ list is "kimswedding". Error: Too short and not strong enough - #passwordfun

ஒரு க‌ன‌வு போதுமே!

நீ -

மழையிருள் மூடிய‌ முன்மாலை பொழுது

மேல்ப‌டாது சிந்தும் பூத்தூவ‌ல் சார‌ல்

தீராம‌ல்ப‌ர‌வும் காபியின் இத‌மான‌ சுக‌ந்த‌ம்

த‌ய‌க்க‌ங்க‌ள் தாண்டி முக‌ம்ம‌ட்டும்குளிர காற்று

மெதுவாய் க‌சியும் அழ‌கான‌ இத‌ய‌ம் இட‌ம்மாரிய‌தே‍‍‍

வேக‌ம்தெரியாது செல்லும் நெடுநேர‌ ப‌ய‌ண‌ம்

பிழைக‌லாய் காட்சிப்பின்னோடும் ம‌ர‌ம்மூடிய‌ பாதை

அங்கு

சித‌ரிச் செல்லும் துண்டு காகித‌ம் - போல்

தெரிந்து ம‌றையும் ஒரு நின‌வு.

Kshamasvathm kshamasvathvam

நெடு நாள்வ‌ரை யாம் உனை தொழுவ‌த‌ர்கே
முடியாமையால் இன்றுனை தொழ‌ப் புரிந்தோம்
அடி போற்றிடும் நித்திய‌ர்க்க‌ருள்வ‌து போல்
அடியேனையும் காத்த‌ருள் வேங்க‌ட‌வா
அரியாமையால் புரி தீவினை
புரியாதுள‌த்த‌ற‌ நீக்கிடு
பொறுத்தே அருள் பொறுத்தே அருள்
பெருமாம‌னி வேங்க‌ட‌வா

One more month has gone...

... and even still nothing seem to have changed a lot. Everything happens to be the same. The mornings and noons and nights are just as predictable as the unpredictability of the weather around here. Ever same, is the frustrating feeling when sitting in front of the compose pane to write of all the wonderful ideas that hit you while in the shower and wonder where all them have gone.

But whining is not going to help, would it? No. So what... I don't know.

I'm low with the tiredness of a receding fever and Migraine. So all things in charge are in charge of the other-half now. Including the toddler. So before she comes back complaining 'Appa mertita', which could be any minute now if not sooner given the way they get along a full whole minute, I will try to write something here, just as an assurance that 'All izz well'

What do I write about?

Do I want to say about the way I'm starting to feel about the Ms? That she is all of a sister when she expresses if she likes or dislikes my dresses (every time she says 'beetipul' or 'eeee' I melt a little)? That she is all of a mother when she just easily predicts my mood and matter-of-fact suggests 'Amma kochi' (which nearly shames me every time when I take my emotions out on her)? No. She is my anchor and I can't do any justice by telling about her in just a few words.

Do I want to say about the promise I make to myself about a certain thing that I want to try out? Can I own it that I'm weak and lack the needed will power to experiment my ideas instead of postponing to next week Monday? No. That's another secret and literally my life and its associated happiness is tied to it.

Do I want to say about the fact that I worry about things when all I need to do was to let silent for a minute and get on ahead. That by being so, I feel, even though I could not repair the wobbly floors, at least I can try and not make it wobble a lot more? No. I don't think I even understand what I want to do fully.

Do I want to bitch about the fact that I see the 'not-have's' and miss all the little things which shows how much I do have? No. I have said that a lot and I think I'm never going to get over that vice.

Do I want to confess to everyone that I keep this blog as a form of rebellion? That I desperately want to be able to write so that I can, well at least, write if not talk into deaf ears. No. They are unheard anyways.

Then what the hell do I say? I don't know. My head is starting to ache again.

For some reason I miss temples much during such tiredness. Mylapore and Thiruvahindrapuram of my childhood memories. Nothing like a bumpy bus/auto ride when you are tired and there's nothing much that sweet temple air and its music won't do to soothe the soreness of body and mind. Come home to amma for a nice hot milagu rasam and a good night sleep to the tingles of the bedroom wind-chimes. God.

I need a Harry Potter or Twilight equivalent, if you know what I mean.

So ...um.... like... hmmmm...I don’t know...

That’s exactly how I’m struggling to bring out the words to write. Looks like I have left my dubious writing skills back home, and although I think I know exactly where I have left it, I’m having a hard time imagining that I have it back with me.

But I’m going to try nevertheless. Apparently I have nothing better to do otherwise. The whole family is engaged - One is busy with office work, the guest is in another room with his phone and Baby is busy with Giraffe cycle ‘riding along country lanes making happy songs ... A B C’. Heart-warming song ‘Kannan vandhan’ is playing on TV.

And I’m still struggling with the flow. But you know I’m not the one to give up. I have to blog about this. Romba mukiyam you see....

So to continue form where I left you... On the day of travel to the west aara parivaarangaludan we reached the airport and checked in very smoothly. Smoothly in the sense I received boarding pass till the final destination, Baby had it till Delhi and the Mr had it till Chicago, and by lucky mistake we had to check out the monstrous luggage again in Delhi and check back in. So you see nothing out of the ordinary. And that’s precisely how I took it, because funnily, once you are married and a mom and all that you apparently have to have poise, dignity, matured calm and a grown-up air. So grown up air it is, I decided.

After long queues to emigrate and immigrate we landed in the Chicago airport 28 hours later only to know about flight delays and cancellation due to the ‘heavy rains and fog’. We were re-booked to another flight an hour later with the assurance that the flight was already overbooked and since we were transferred from another plane we will not be priority and that we should really hope most of the passengers of that flight don’t arrive on time for boarding. Cursing the good conditions of the roads, we waited. Breakfast, then lunch and even a small nap post lunch happened and yet even that damned flight was not ready for take-off. Finally airlines gave it up as a bad job at early evening and so instead of the obnoxious Delayed a red Cancelled flashed in finality against that flight too.

No tension or irritation. Nor the chill of the airport on that rainy day ever bothered me. I still got the grown-up thing going on. After all the society says that I should be able to see the positives in everything. So that’s how we landed in a beautiful hotel room at a discounted price and a warm tall cup of complimentary coffee. Actually the hotel stay and the half-day delay worked out well than if we would have traveled without the break. Warm blankets, hot water and room service and especially the no-cleaning-after-yourself part of hotel stay gave time for me to recoup some of the lost energy tending for a cranky toddler in a cramped aircraft with no sleep and food. So we were all very well refreshed and presentable the next day we boarded the flight that took us home. The day was sunny and warm. Seeing the positives and not rushing to take the midnight flight paid off.

Then the rest as they say is history, smooth as butter and other related clichéd phrases. Between breaking a necklace, a shoe, a tooth, a leg bracelet and tearing a few clothes and dyeing a few others, and amidst other buying’s and losing’s, we tried to settle down as family.

But seriously, all that nonsense aside, I’m really glad we are here and have settled down well. Smaller has taken well to the weather, food, car seat and other contraptions that has been supposedly designed to keep the baby safe but that which ‘buys the life’ of parents trying to teach them that it’s okay to be katti pottufied so. She is finally in routine and is growing in leaps and bounds emotionally, physically and mentally. It’s a treat to hear her mazhalai non-existent vocabulary, and enjoy her dances, her made up songs, her confidant and instant replies to questions which she doesn’t and couldn’t understand.

The Mr is as usual busy with office, stock and his cricket and whatever else he does on the Internet.

The “I” is also okay. And surprisingly not home sick. Not even a little bit. Maybe because I’m trying to make a home myself, or maybe because I've had enough and the time apart actually is soothing to nerves, I don’t really know. In fact I’m real glad that I have finally gotten a cozy nest to settle into. Although the walls are wobbly and the base is shaky and the colors are fading and such, I’m not really worrying about all that. It’s all workable right? Either you get used to it... or you get used to it. So you see the grown-up air is really helping me present a good and mature personality to others.

Anyways, on a not so personal front, I’m trying to stay off from Facebook apart from playing silly and addictive games and rather have face-to-face or phone conversation with friends; trying to work on HTML to add tabs to the blog to add few more ‘writes’ in it; dealing with numerous advice and mocks on staying home and wasting an engineering degree; being judged on if I'm cooking well or feeding the family at all; advice on how to raise a toddler etcetera etcetera.

But I’m not queasy with all these judgments and comments. It just shows that I have people who care enough about me to comment and it just shows that I have people to care enough about their comments. But whenever I hear someone say ‘Oh she is such a happy active child’ I thank the Gods and take hope that I’m doing something right. Also I smile internally (with a little spite of course) thinking about that one crack-ticket back home who had so much trust in me that he gave me a month’s time before I would come running home over-whelmed by the pressures of having to take care of my own baby.Ha!

I finish the monologue with a small prayer to God,

Udal balathodum mana niravodum engalai vaazha vaipai

Vendiya varangal vendiya Ganathil Thandhe vandharulvai