Keeping the good ones

I started the last new year watching 'Eclipse'.

Other than serving the purpose of providing an insignificant opening statement to this post that line is completely irrelevant.

The whole past year,true to every new year, was usual, with all the hopes and dreams and surprises and disappointments and the eventual winding down.

But the year will stay in the memory depending on what we take away from it, depending on what we stow away as the year of 2011. Isn't it?

The 'neglected resolutions' will be forgotten but will be remodel-ed as the "new" years to-do. The 'pain of long distance' can be remembered for all the realizations that it made possible. The 'guilt of unconventional leaning for support' will be surely in memory as the 'depth of friendship and extent of trust'. The 'home-sick separation' makes the list for it assisted in deriving the courage for more responsibilities. The 'charade of crying-yelling-crying-guilt-doubts' though mildly irritating at present will become alright when in some future time I think 'Yes. I did it right and early'. The 'failures and set-backs' will be forgotten when the set-backs are set right later. The 'constant struggle to love, to lose, to fight, to forgive, to tone-down, to understand, to relate, to get what you want, to bear, to shape and bend, to get all that from the other' and all the added etceteros will be all fine when some day in old age you still have the hand to hold and walk and talk. The 'harsh words spoken in disappointment and anger' will be forgiven when eyes are lowered in answer to righteous greetings in a successful future. The 'certain nontransferable burdens that makes you want to run away' will seem a lot of lighter in the years to come for its always lovely to be depended upon implicitly, unconditionally. The 'first sighting of the first gray hair'... well.... there is no good spin to that. Some times somethings are just that.

There are only certain ways to deal with the life. According to me, one is to resist it and continue resisting. Two is to resist it but eventually wear down get used to what you actually resisted and become it. The third is to accept what it is and adapt.

No one can do just one of the above their whole life. Every common man will face situations in life when he has/had to judge and choose an appropriate approach.

But whatever life throws at you and however you deal with it, the proverbial 'lesson' from all that will, summarily, be somewhat a soft-blow, less painful,more happy, ecstatic memories of all the mixed emotions we went through for the whole 365 days.

We all wish that all the "happy" wishes we receive for the first few days of the new year will come true and we will be all "prosperous, healthy and hearty". Well that's the hope. But like sugar and spice, light and day, there will be some bitterness to the happiness too. So if things are not all good and gooey, where ever possible we all , at some level, try to give a nice and bearable title and contents. And that prepares us for the new years to come.

So here's to keeping the good ones.

Happy new year 2012.

Row, row, row your boat gently down stream...Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily..(for) life is but a dream.

New year comes a day early.

How would you like it if someone says you can live a whole day without having to go through with it?

You might think they are hungover. Or you probably would think they are doing some high-kidding.

But it is true and it is happening.

There will be no Friday, Dec 30th in the calendar for some people in the world. Two nations, Samoa and Tokelau, are going to miss that whole day. For them after the Thursday night its going to be a New Year's Eve day.

Full story here.

Walk the walk...

December 10 has always been special to me, for that one singular memory.

And, today I have one more reason to rejoice. My brother has successfully graduated and did his commencement walk today. I remember the baby boy growing up into a young master. Now he is a Mr. Brother with a Master degree.

Funny, time flies.

Perfect 5 minutes

Rainy, gloomy outside.

Inside warm comforter looking at the pounding rain.

Coffee and Samosa.

Anal mele pani thuli....

One verse a day

I have wanted forever to learn Lalitha Sahasranamam. My Mom always encouraged me to learn it, more after my wedding and even more after having a daughter. The Navarathiri season usually gets me all excited. I listen to the Saharasnamam recital many times and try to catch and remember the verses. But somehow I don't seem to progress well and the enthu wanes after a while.

I remember how I learnt the Vishnu Sahasranamam. During college, every Sunday, fellow students who have learnt the slokam aksharasudham will meet and chant the verses in the Saraswathi temple. I would just go and sit in the Mandir at that time, just to listen. I woudn't even attempt to read/ join. I would close my eyes and concentrate on the words of the many voices sounding as one. One can actually feel the calm descending upon the surrounding with each reverberating verse. I would feel all peaceful and collected after that hour. And hearing the Sahasranamam for many, many weeks during that four years somehow registered it in me. Now I can chant the verses by-heart and phonetically correct.

I would love for a similar experience now too.

There are so many great benefits from chanting the Lalitha Sahasranamam, as it is mentioned here. My Mom swears she heard in some TV channel someone saying that reciting the Lalitha mandhiram is said to specifically reduce occurance of headaches in the chantee. Personally, I find it to be a good therapy for the mood. It is a greater form of meditation, to recite the verses in the specified metre. It calms the senses and increases the level of self-awareness. The poetic verses brings in front of your eyes the divine form of God in all Her feminine wonder.

As any one knows, only pure dedication and bhakthi will help in learning the great slokam. I'm not sure how much of either of them I have in me. But I'm beginning anyways, hoping that I find the needed dedication to continue and that I will experience the increase in faith somewhere on the way.

The best way to learn a slokam is to go to a guru, they say. But I'm having to take the Internet as my Guru and have started again today.

I pray that She gives me the strength. Om!

Some questions to free the mind - Finale

The final 20.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Not in a long time.

32. If not now, then when?

10 mins ago.

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

My peace of mind!

This reminds me of a saying of my grandma’s ‘Maraththadi Pillaiyar pozhudhum pogum, road la pora panni pozhudhum pogum’, meaning the day begins and ends for everyone no matter how important or insignificant you are, its what you do in-between that matters. And that’s the difference.

34. Have you ever been with someone,said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

I’m still looking for that one person. My friend, my conscience, my enabler!

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

I’m not religious enough to understand that.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Yes it is possible. Depends on where you look at it from.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Ha! I have done so for much less.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

I wouldn’t mind more work that I enjoy doing, as long as it is stimulating enough.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Every day!

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Soft glow of hope, the auspicious seven steps into matrimony.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I will kill myself today.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No not really. Although in early adolescence I wish I were a famous celebrity (for what reason is embarrassing to tell even now…hehehe)

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

My art of living would be to with no expectations (and so no disappointment) and with acceptance of what comes. Harmony, peace and being truthful to your self!

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

I guess that's never for me.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

The lessons are bitter, that’s why.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Yes. I’m beginning to learn to do that. But surprisingly it’s taking a lot of effort to not care. It’s exhausting.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

That one time I lay beneath the surgical lighting on a cold hard table with someone tugging at me before I heard a sharp cry of birth.

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

Sadly no. I have not got one “thing” on which I have an undying love. My passion fizzles easily.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

No.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I’m not insulated from others. My decisions are a collaboration of opinions and somehow one of them finally makes the cut, whose being irrelevant.

And here’s from where they are all.

Some questions to free the mind - Part II

Some more......

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

It should. I can’t for the life of me figure out why sometimes the things that make me happy irritate the others. But that’s their problem.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?

Learn to write with left hand.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Yes of course.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Scotland, maybe! No reason. I liked it when I vacationed there. Otherwise I’m happy in my place.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Nope. Neither do I push/press the door-close button immediately when someone gets out. I hate it when someone does that. Can’t you wait for 2 seconds than to shut the doors on the person’s feet?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton. The little known the better.

22. Why are you, you?

I wish I knew.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Yes.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

To me it would be - I moving away and then losing touch with that one good friend who saw me through the worst and with whom there was real future. C, I miss you more than I can say. Do you even think of me?

25. What are you most grateful for?
For lots of things. Specially my child and the assorted rest are here.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Neither. I’m masochistic that way.

27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Deep down we always know, even though some truths may never see the light of the day.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

I wish…no no pray… it wouldn’t.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

Come to think of it none of the matters I was upset about (except health issues) seem irrelevant this moment.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

Summer days spent with cousins in Mandhai, my grandmother’s house.

The final 20 and the source… next!

Some questions to free the mind

I was just blog-hopping. Then I happened to come across a website that had loads of interesting stuff. And from only there I found the following questions. It’s interesting to answer questions candidly.

I recommend everyone to try this.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Precisely 17 years and 6 months ready to start college.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Let’s see. Never trying means there are no failures and there’s that, except the one nag ‘Oh! I never tried’. But failing is obviously worst as it causes lots of heartache, tears, broken dreams etc - lots of nag.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

We do the latter simply because we are human and do the former simply to get through the day. If we don’t do either of them then there will be nothing to regret and then life would become ideal. Who wants that?

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

In all probability, yes. YES!

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Today is as good as it would get. So I think I would leave the world alone.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

No matter what work, just contentment in whatever I do would do. If I can brighten seeing butterflies, chase bubbles and sleep with a smile on my face I guess I would be rich (but chances are I would be branded ‘nut case’)

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I get by, by just plain practicality. That's how I choose and deal. Instead of chasing what I believe and instead of settling to what I get, I try to achieve the balance between. But I can assure that once the decision is made rather than intellectual detachment it will be all emotional evaluation of 'If i did the right thing'.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently

I wish to live it out carelessly, hoping that when the day comes I would be with no regrets. But knowing me, I probably will spend the days framing a huge list of un-finishable to-do items (places to see, thinks to do, see and read etc), with regrets that I’m wasting my last ten years whining about not completing the list. 40 or 100 don’t matter. I will be who I will be, unless lighting strikes.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

To no extent! As far as I can remember I have not chosen anything in my life at any point of it. Initially parents chose, now a husband is doing. Tomorrow I hope my son would. That makes me weirdly burden-less.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I’m concerned with doing the right things right. Else there is no point.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Just keep my silence. What they think of my friend is irrelevant to me. I would not let such chats cloud my view of the them or that friend being criticized.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Hold on to your innocence, sense of trust, ability to let go and try to be as happy as today with having only the basic of needs.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

In a heart- beat!

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Every day. More so, since I started playing ‘Building blocks’ and ‘Pretend’ games with my daughter.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

When someone asks ‘What are you’ I answer ‘Medium Beige’. That I think is something I do differently than most people.

More Q and my A, and the source of Q tomorrow.

Here’s why I don’t make resolutions.

When I quit my job (again!) last summer I had a whole list of things I had put down as to-do.

1. Read a book, at least one in a week
2. Write more often
3. Develop interest in some craft
4. Learn to cook more traditional from-grandma’s-kitchen recipes
5. …
6. ..

I don’t remember the rest of that huge list. I knew even when I jotted them down that I wouldn’t be able to do all that I’m setting myself up for. But I really hoped that I would at least try and succeed in one of the many. They seemed important yet pretty easy then.

Cut to six months later.

It so happens that the only reason I remember these four items are because these are the things that I’m most guilty about not trying.

Being at-home, it’s not like I don’t have the time. And it’s not like I have lots of free time either. Daily chore or important work, that being irrelevant, I have my hands full. I’m fully occupied throughout the day with one thing or the other. And in the daily grind of things, personal to-do lists, or in other words personal growth, seems to have a taken a back seat.

So I’m loaded with guilt for not pursuing my interests(?!?), embarrassed that I don’t have the needed will power for keeping up resolutions and irritated at why I even bother setting up goals and so on.

Anyways, that being the prelude, I was reading ‘By the river Piedra I sat down and wept’, which I’m attempting to finish for a long time. And yesterday a particular line struck me. Exercising the Other! The book advises us to release the “Other” from our being so that we can truly understand the point of “Living in the moment”.That surprisingly caught my attention.

{Aside:To state what would now be the obvious I have not proceeded any further with the book so I don’t know if my take is correct on what the Other is. But if ever I get the book renewed or rather if I ever get my Husband to renew the book for me (as the library card is in his name/ account; well apparently if you don’t own a credit card you don’t amount to much, not less rent/lend/loan a book) I hope I’m right in my understanding of it, as meant by the author.}

To confess, when I read the line "The exercise of the Other" I thought the Other could be anything; Anything at all that’s tying one down. Could be laziness, jealousy, hatred, anger, disappointment or just another vice.

I have lots of such, I know I’m deeply flawed as like any other if not more, and I have been carrying a lot of negativity in me. Mulling unwonted thoughts over and again so much that it has become a standard and it is, I feel, starting to tint my view of the world and people.

That leads me to think I would be a proper candidate for the exercising or rather exorcising the Other.

Negativity, if removed from the being what would be left, I’m curious to know. So I have decided to the ‘Exercise', to keep a log and me on track. So predictably, I hope to publish a daily status update kinda thing about what particularly strikes me every day as a problem (or situation or event). It could have another advantage too. Instead of churning the thoughts round and round in my mind I can pour it out here and try to clear my mind - kind of my own version of ‘Disassociative therapy’ (if there is one such. I think there is some: My dad used to tell me to view myself as a third person in times of stress so that I can objectively evaluate and gets things in perspective).

Realization is the first step toward understanding the problem and trying to find means to solve it.

And that’s “My Project 365”.

One day at a time.

{Aside: Is it mentioned anywhere in Harry Potter series that after Dumbledore and Snape store their memories in the Pensieve did they really forget about that? More like they had index in their mind and the actual content is in the Pensieve?}

I hate my guts

It seems like a long time ago that I had an enviable waist line. It’s unbelievable, yet it’s true. The chocolates and chips and jams and other sinful savories I consumed somehow magically didn’t show on me. People who know me from my high school years or early college days can attest to that. Though it was around that time that my friends in my group started worrying about daily calorie consumption, I continued skipping meals and eating biscuits instead, and didn’t care about any of healthy stuff and never exercised. Even with all that I was really petite then. XS actually. (So thin that some people in my family were concerned if my Mother was feeding me right). So a no-flap, tight belly was not a highlight at all in my already lean form. I wasn't especially proud of my hip either. The truth is I didn’t care.

I’m still petite. Size wise! Now I choose right, exercise enough and have a cardio-friendly diet. I read the labels for ‘Calorie from Fat’ before I buy a product. But I worry if my waist number will overtake my age number. After trying all ways to reduce the piled on kilos especially in the abs, I somehow seemed to add to it. So now I’m on the defense. I’m trying to at least not put on any more than what is already there. If reduction isn’t working maintaining is the only option and even that’s hard work. I do the right things and yet I’m unhappy about the result. The truth is I care.

Bad crappy irony, I say.

Good thing winter is here. With all the bulky sweaters I don’t have to worry about my perpetual bump showing.

Cow-u, cow-u...Holy cow-u

Some status messages from Facebook are funny, sarcastic and worth …. My pick for the week is

1. After 3D and 4D the latest trend is Kolaveri di - Kuka
2. “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.” – Stephen King
3. Latest addition to the ‘Worst password’ list is "kimswedding". Error: Too short and not strong enough - #passwordfun

ஒரு க‌ன‌வு போதுமே!

நீ -

மழையிருள் மூடிய‌ முன்மாலை பொழுது

மேல்ப‌டாது சிந்தும் பூத்தூவ‌ல் சார‌ல்

தீராம‌ல்ப‌ர‌வும் காபியின் இத‌மான‌ சுக‌ந்த‌ம்

த‌ய‌க்க‌ங்க‌ள் தாண்டி முக‌ம்ம‌ட்டும்குளிர காற்று

மெதுவாய் க‌சியும் அழ‌கான‌ இத‌ய‌ம் இட‌ம்மாரிய‌தே‍‍‍

வேக‌ம்தெரியாது செல்லும் நெடுநேர‌ ப‌ய‌ண‌ம்

பிழைக‌லாய் காட்சிப்பின்னோடும் ம‌ர‌ம்மூடிய‌ பாதை

அங்கு

சித‌ரிச் செல்லும் துண்டு காகித‌ம் - போல்

தெரிந்து ம‌றையும் ஒரு நின‌வு.

Kshamasvathm kshamasvathvam

நெடு நாள்வ‌ரை யாம் உனை தொழுவ‌த‌ர்கே
முடியாமையால் இன்றுனை தொழ‌ப் புரிந்தோம்
அடி போற்றிடும் நித்திய‌ர்க்க‌ருள்வ‌து போல்
அடியேனையும் காத்த‌ருள் வேங்க‌ட‌வா
அரியாமையால் புரி தீவினை
புரியாதுள‌த்த‌ற‌ நீக்கிடு
பொறுத்தே அருள் பொறுத்தே அருள்
பெருமாம‌னி வேங்க‌ட‌வா

One more month has gone...

... and even still nothing seem to have changed a lot. Everything happens to be the same. The mornings and noons and nights are just as predictable as the unpredictability of the weather around here. Ever same, is the frustrating feeling when sitting in front of the compose pane to write of all the wonderful ideas that hit you while in the shower and wonder where all them have gone.

But whining is not going to help, would it? No. So what... I don't know.

I'm low with the tiredness of a receding fever and Migraine. So all things in charge are in charge of the other-half now. Including the toddler. So before she comes back complaining 'Appa mertita', which could be any minute now if not sooner given the way they get along a full whole minute, I will try to write something here, just as an assurance that 'All izz well'

What do I write about?

Do I want to say about the way I'm starting to feel about the Ms? That she is all of a sister when she expresses if she likes or dislikes my dresses (every time she says 'beetipul' or 'eeee' I melt a little)? That she is all of a mother when she just easily predicts my mood and matter-of-fact suggests 'Amma kochi' (which nearly shames me every time when I take my emotions out on her)? No. She is my anchor and I can't do any justice by telling about her in just a few words.

Do I want to say about the promise I make to myself about a certain thing that I want to try out? Can I own it that I'm weak and lack the needed will power to experiment my ideas instead of postponing to next week Monday? No. That's another secret and literally my life and its associated happiness is tied to it.

Do I want to say about the fact that I worry about things when all I need to do was to let silent for a minute and get on ahead. That by being so, I feel, even though I could not repair the wobbly floors, at least I can try and not make it wobble a lot more? No. I don't think I even understand what I want to do fully.

Do I want to bitch about the fact that I see the 'not-have's' and miss all the little things which shows how much I do have? No. I have said that a lot and I think I'm never going to get over that vice.

Do I want to confess to everyone that I keep this blog as a form of rebellion? That I desperately want to be able to write so that I can, well at least, write if not talk into deaf ears. No. They are unheard anyways.

Then what the hell do I say? I don't know. My head is starting to ache again.

For some reason I miss temples much during such tiredness. Mylapore and Thiruvahindrapuram of my childhood memories. Nothing like a bumpy bus/auto ride when you are tired and there's nothing much that sweet temple air and its music won't do to soothe the soreness of body and mind. Come home to amma for a nice hot milagu rasam and a good night sleep to the tingles of the bedroom wind-chimes. God.

I need a Harry Potter or Twilight equivalent, if you know what I mean.

So ...um.... like... hmmmm...I don’t know...

That’s exactly how I’m struggling to bring out the words to write. Looks like I have left my dubious writing skills back home, and although I think I know exactly where I have left it, I’m having a hard time imagining that I have it back with me.

But I’m going to try nevertheless. Apparently I have nothing better to do otherwise. The whole family is engaged - One is busy with office work, the guest is in another room with his phone and Baby is busy with Giraffe cycle ‘riding along country lanes making happy songs ... A B C’. Heart-warming song ‘Kannan vandhan’ is playing on TV.

And I’m still struggling with the flow. But you know I’m not the one to give up. I have to blog about this. Romba mukiyam you see....

So to continue form where I left you... On the day of travel to the west aara parivaarangaludan we reached the airport and checked in very smoothly. Smoothly in the sense I received boarding pass till the final destination, Baby had it till Delhi and the Mr had it till Chicago, and by lucky mistake we had to check out the monstrous luggage again in Delhi and check back in. So you see nothing out of the ordinary. And that’s precisely how I took it, because funnily, once you are married and a mom and all that you apparently have to have poise, dignity, matured calm and a grown-up air. So grown up air it is, I decided.

After long queues to emigrate and immigrate we landed in the Chicago airport 28 hours later only to know about flight delays and cancellation due to the ‘heavy rains and fog’. We were re-booked to another flight an hour later with the assurance that the flight was already overbooked and since we were transferred from another plane we will not be priority and that we should really hope most of the passengers of that flight don’t arrive on time for boarding. Cursing the good conditions of the roads, we waited. Breakfast, then lunch and even a small nap post lunch happened and yet even that damned flight was not ready for take-off. Finally airlines gave it up as a bad job at early evening and so instead of the obnoxious Delayed a red Cancelled flashed in finality against that flight too.

No tension or irritation. Nor the chill of the airport on that rainy day ever bothered me. I still got the grown-up thing going on. After all the society says that I should be able to see the positives in everything. So that’s how we landed in a beautiful hotel room at a discounted price and a warm tall cup of complimentary coffee. Actually the hotel stay and the half-day delay worked out well than if we would have traveled without the break. Warm blankets, hot water and room service and especially the no-cleaning-after-yourself part of hotel stay gave time for me to recoup some of the lost energy tending for a cranky toddler in a cramped aircraft with no sleep and food. So we were all very well refreshed and presentable the next day we boarded the flight that took us home. The day was sunny and warm. Seeing the positives and not rushing to take the midnight flight paid off.

Then the rest as they say is history, smooth as butter and other related clichéd phrases. Between breaking a necklace, a shoe, a tooth, a leg bracelet and tearing a few clothes and dyeing a few others, and amidst other buying’s and losing’s, we tried to settle down as family.

But seriously, all that nonsense aside, I’m really glad we are here and have settled down well. Smaller has taken well to the weather, food, car seat and other contraptions that has been supposedly designed to keep the baby safe but that which ‘buys the life’ of parents trying to teach them that it’s okay to be katti pottufied so. She is finally in routine and is growing in leaps and bounds emotionally, physically and mentally. It’s a treat to hear her mazhalai non-existent vocabulary, and enjoy her dances, her made up songs, her confidant and instant replies to questions which she doesn’t and couldn’t understand.

The Mr is as usual busy with office, stock and his cricket and whatever else he does on the Internet.

The “I” is also okay. And surprisingly not home sick. Not even a little bit. Maybe because I’m trying to make a home myself, or maybe because I've had enough and the time apart actually is soothing to nerves, I don’t really know. In fact I’m real glad that I have finally gotten a cozy nest to settle into. Although the walls are wobbly and the base is shaky and the colors are fading and such, I’m not really worrying about all that. It’s all workable right? Either you get used to it... or you get used to it. So you see the grown-up air is really helping me present a good and mature personality to others.

Anyways, on a not so personal front, I’m trying to stay off from Facebook apart from playing silly and addictive games and rather have face-to-face or phone conversation with friends; trying to work on HTML to add tabs to the blog to add few more ‘writes’ in it; dealing with numerous advice and mocks on staying home and wasting an engineering degree; being judged on if I'm cooking well or feeding the family at all; advice on how to raise a toddler etcetera etcetera.

But I’m not queasy with all these judgments and comments. It just shows that I have people who care enough about me to comment and it just shows that I have people to care enough about their comments. But whenever I hear someone say ‘Oh she is such a happy active child’ I thank the Gods and take hope that I’m doing something right. Also I smile internally (with a little spite of course) thinking about that one crack-ticket back home who had so much trust in me that he gave me a month’s time before I would come running home over-whelmed by the pressures of having to take care of my own baby.Ha!

I finish the monologue with a small prayer to God,

Udal balathodum mana niravodum engalai vaazha vaipai

Vendiya varangal vendiya Ganathil Thandhe vandharulvai

Subject to change!

Break ke baad, the series now returns on air, after 2 and 3/4 years. A vital character has been added to the storyline. All the other main and supporting members, missing none, make a comeback. And with the narrative being placed in an altogether different 'set' that could probably make interesting offerings to the direction the story could take, the hype surrounding the newer episodes is paramount. This time too the genre is expected to be an amalgamation of many things ranging from lighter, romantic, comical tones to soul-searching, experiments and growing up.

Over all it promises to be a very nice, varied and new experience.

~o~

With all wishes and prayers to heaven, I’m taking my first step tomorrow, hoping all things good, all things that bring Love, Comfort, Peace and Satisfaction find me where ever I'm.

Anubukke naan adimai aaga vendum

Arivukke en kaadhu ketka vendum

Vambukke pogaamal iruka vendum

Vanjaththai en nenjam marukka vendum

Panbukke uyir vaazha aasai vendum

Parivukke naan endrum paniya vendum

Nettriyinil kungumame niraya vendum

Kattradhellam men melum peruga vendum

En pakkam ivai ellam iruka vendum

Amma, ennodu nee endrum vaazha vendum

Will be back when I’m back!

Ore the pheelings!!

Kaarirulil sooriyan, neer alaiyil thamarai, thaagaththil kaayum paalai mannil vaanmazhai....

I’m skipping with joy at being back as a whole.

Kaathirundha naatkalil kaadhal oru aarudhal, kaanaamal sendru pinbu thondrum vaanavil...

But I’m kind of sad too. Little bit. I’m going to miss my life here. Although very thrilled at new prospects, somehow all this missing thingy is messing with it.

Wait, I have got some good ones to list, my personal favorites. What's not to miss about/ in/of these?

• Amma
• Vaasal kolam in the early morning hours on the swept, water sprinkled wet mud/cement
• Home, where the heart is. And the systematic way a life should be led. A way, time tested and successful and a way that tries to keep up with tradition as much as possible
• The mayakkum fragrance of Mallipoo and pichi poo and agarbhathis, soodam and Mysorepak
• The seasonal seduction of two of the mukkaannis-maa and pala
• SMS buddies
• Bikes. The sexy and romantic rides in bumpy roads
• Unlimited and guaranteed availability of baby-sitters (read grandparents) anytime of the day, even at the shortest notice
• Fire crackers during Diwali and sugarcanes during Pongal
• Kites and colors
• Maid to wash, sweep and clean. Someone to iron clothes. Someone to deliver fresh milk at doorsteps every morning. Someone to get sugar from Raation kadai. Like what one Client said, ‘In India, you can afford to live life King like, by the normal middle class too.’ Maybe we do.
• Parent’s home comforts. Where I can lounge and can expect to be served delicious norukku theenis with filter kaapi; Where I can sleep through migraine pains and not care or worry about the little one and the big one; Where I can mindlessly yell and somehow get a clear head from that. If I were a King my parents would be my scepter (or that thing whatever it is called which the Royalty holds in his hands and taps it in front of him keeping in rhythm with his steps)
• Suda suda Aanadha Vikatan and Kumudam on Thursday mornings.
• Noise. Just about everything is loud – the phones, the vehicles, the speaker playing questionable bhakthi songs at the local Amman kovil, neighborhood kids
• Step out of the house and throw out your wand-hand and you get rides to just about anywhere, the real public services you know, autos and rickshaws and trains and buses.
• Temples. My support buffer. Will especially miss Mr. and Mrs. Kabali and their extremely beautiful Mylai residence. Dears, please watch over us wherever we are.
• Shopping with the crowd in Ranganathan Street, Usman road and Pangal park area.
• The sometimes ‘48 hours not enough’ weekends to fulfill all the postponed social visits, just dropping in on family elders, or certain mandated visit to the pukkathu folks.
• Weddings and the activities around it, pattu saris and kalyana saapaadu
• While walking through crowded streets or struggling to get a foot hold in a packed suburban train and the thrill of seeing someone from the past who is almost forgotten. The live kind of social networking.
• Power cuts and the candle lit, dark days with panai ollai visiri; a time when long forgotten family stories are dusted and retold in agal vellaku/ arikkan lamp velicham
• Paatis to make you feel that there are a lot to know in this world; and that only fools question tradition; and amaze you with their knowledge of random and long branched members of the family; and their knacks to remember all days and their importance without the need of a calendar. Hearing her talk about her childhood days makes me sad to realize how much I have lost touch with my proper roots and culture. [Funny thing is, she used to say that she was sad too when she was my age, but unlike me she felt that change was justified]
• The romance of the mottai maadi kaathu
• Occasional rains and the city looking beautifully green instead of the sickly, dusty, muddy brown

I’m sure there's so much more than these that I'm going to miss, more than I can account for here.

Leaving all this behind, I’m off to the land of extreme silence and unnatural neatness and screwed up notion of personal independence.

Let it snow... let it snow....

Gottago... to catch the handsome Jhonny in all his pirate-ness... Ahoy!

3 and half months of heartache

Wow... can’t believe it was only that much. Feels like eons more.

In movies, normally, in such very anticipated and dramatic situations, there will be shown a montage of significant moments, accompanied by soft and sensual background music. Wish how I feel now can also be that beautiful. But as is the case with this stupid normality I’m left all alone to deal with the recollections.

Ah, but there are one too many things that have happened. I don’t think I remember all of them. I’m not too sure that I even want to admit to remember few of them. During these past few days I had to deal with - the realization of particular dream, or wish you may say, a year too late; a career suicide yet again; separation with family; adding new responsibilities; monetary insecurities; un-favored dependency; seclusion; being glad of moving away from the clutches of insanity; oru kannil vennai and in the other sunnaambu stories; blunted emotions and many such ‘incidents’ which would make for a crunchy, spicy retelling on a snowy, winter noon. But every time when the head hits the pillows alone at night one thing is certain and that is it is not worth it. No. Definitely not!

But that’s all past, over and done with. And the madness is coming to an end. Thank you, merciful God. Thanks for the valuable experience. Yes, it was priceless in that it humbled me, made me learn few nuances of the many relationships I’m involved and it helped me set my priorities right. And I’m thankful it’s all over before I had a chance to slip and shatter the feigned poise and calm, and ‘bearing all with smiles’ facade, and especially in not having the voices inside my head audible.

This chaotic yet kind of numb phase of life was tolerable and I was able to look forward to the dawn of the day because of four significant people. I’m not going to tell anyone who’s who. If you know who, then thank them on my behalf. If you are one of the three reading this, then please note that I owe my sanity, or what’s left of it, to you. You may not know it; you may not have meant it that way, but your words, your company and sometimes even your absence and silence helped me through the day. Your veiled criticisms, harsh reminders and restricted emotional attachment were all my life-lines. I’m going to miss you. So.... although it’s not something you don’t know but... I love you. Still do, loads!

And this midnight the dawn will light my horizons. Loving hands and smiles are on the way with million dreams and hopes. And it will be like I’d never had to be alone. So here’s looking forward to the fun and sensible times. Uber excited to see how this new, much awaited episode is going to turn out to be. Of course!

Malarin kadhavondru thirakkindradho

Mounam veliyera thavikkindradho

Penmai pudhidhaga pirakkindradho

Uyiril amudhangal vazhigindradho......

The right kind of wrong...

What I’m about to tell you happened a few months ago. It’s my true story, you know. To give you the full picture I would need to backup a little... a ‘few years’ little.

We were best friends, she and I. We hit it off the moment we saw each other. She was as crazy as I was, we shared the same distaste for some movies, music and people, and our common interest were few but sincere and we were passionate about it. Her wave length matched mine. We were inseparable. Her friendship was solid, dependable, interesting and magical. She was such an angel. She is Meera.

But slowly, as is the case, things started to change. Or that was what I felt, being as good as I’m with those kind of things. I was sure I felt some undercurrent. From her end, that’s to say. And frankly I was not sure how I felt. I felt she seemed more inclined toward the ‘us'. That feeling intensified with the passing days. Although I was sure that if I proposed she would agree, definitely, I somehow did not take that step. The more I thought about it I was confused. I did not know how to deal with what I was feeling and what I should feel . That was where the intermission happened.

What followed was the usual cry fest, sob story rom-com, only that I couldn’t see the com part of it anytime. She waited. I hesitated. She moved on. I said. She denied. Then she said. I denied. And she had to move on.

Anyways, what’s important to the story I’m about to narrate is that we both moved on with our lives. She once said to me, in a very convoluted thread of conversation, to take hope in the fact that she was in a better place, and that she would hope the same for me. Maybe she was in a better place. But I doubt if I have ever had one such place. Ever since I decided to stay away from her hoping it was for the best, I have regretted it. Who’s best? Arguably hers, of course! No day passed when I didn’t feel like I had missed making mine the most precious thing that ever crossed my life. Every day when I saw young couples walking past me I have repented what I had lost. I had -still have- the nagging worry ‘What if no one else comes a-calling?’ And with loads of guilt at the fact that I had made the sweetest-of-all-hearts to go through much pain, I slept every night, hoping next day would make me feel better.

Years rolled on and life happened. Time really did heal the wound, although, as she would say, it did not have means to make me forget the memory of all the pain. But she was always in my mind, in the image of the petite girls I saw, in someone’s whispered laughter’s and giggles, through some dialogues and music, in a random scent. And I always smiled when I remembered her or if someone brought her up in conversations.

Being in such bizarre state of mind, you can imagine the high I would get if I was to meet her after a few years. She had called and I took the offer immediately. I wanted to see her more than anything, see how life had treated her, hear her voice again and see her look at me one more time. Although I dreaded seeing the remains of hatred that I last saw in her tearful eyes, I wanted to look at them again. I was ecstatic. Well, more than that.

And when I met her, I was shocked. Well, more than that. She had not changed a bit. It was like rewinding the time. She was as I left her that afternoon, in that food-court without even so much as a backward glance.

She looked good. Well, more than that. She looked as I remembered her. It was difficult to keep sense of time. Was it a dream? Was it for real? If that was what was real and if that was how my dream was too, then was that the real ‘dream come true’? Was it the lighting striking? Again? I mean, properly again?

She was surprised to see me too, I could sense from her expression. Maybe she did not anticipate me to just accept her invite. Perhaps she called as a mere formality. Or she could have been returning my previous call which she didn’t respond to except for a few cursory comments. So as I stood before her expecting a cold shouldered welcome she came over beaming.

We shook hands. I don’t think I would be able to explain the sensation that I felt that moment.

We talked for some time and the in-between dark days seemed like a bad dream. We discovered a lot of things. We spoke about things that were too difficult to discuss in the past. We non-stop argued on what transpired during the turbulent final episode of our friendship, understood why the other did what they did and how our actions had been interpreted.

Soon it was time to leave. I did not want the time to end. Neither did she, I felt. She had lots of reasons to leave. Somehow she was hesitant and I didn’t ask ‘what’s and ‘why’s. I was merely glad that she let me again in her life, and after all that I have put her through that she could talk to me again and let me be a friend.

I went to meet her that day resolving that whatever happened that day would be her choice and that I would take all the precaution that I could to make things go her way. It would all be her choice and her choosing. I wasn't ready to do that once before, but that day I was and so I would; I should, that’s only right, right?.

Finally when we had to make a move, when we couldn’t stall any longer where we were, she asked ‘Movie?’ And I believe I replied ‘if you want to’ to which I think she replied ‘Do you want me to me want it?’ or something idiotic like that. Finally the issue was resolved and we went to the movies when I replied, ‘I could make it happen if you want it to happen’. Her choice, you see! Whatever she wanted!

Inside, we were seated next to each other. I was consciously aware of the proximity and warmth of her body. If everyone would just shut up I would even hear her heartbeat. I silently wished it were too as accelerated as mine were. I noticed she was too sitting very stiffly, holding her hands rigidly on her lap. I wanted to rest mine on the hand-rest but as I felt I was already too near her, I kept my hands in my lap too.

We were silent. The weight of the past we had just discussed was weighing silently upon us. All we did talk about was the past and the past and nothing but it. Why didn’t I ask her about her current relationship? Why didn’t I even think, when we were seated in a brightly lit coffee shop, that she would have had the chance, that she could have had a life outside the realms of me?

The movie was about some nonsense of which you couldn’t pay me to care about. I had a more lively, entertaining situation going on beside me. Soon after the movie started she leaned a little to my side. She slowly placed her right hand on our hand-rest and sighed. I stole a look to her side but she seemed intent on the movie screen. But after a few moments she completely leaned to my side, so much so that there was touching. As my left hand was awkwardly placed in that cramped space I lifted it and placed nonchalantly over her seat’s headrest. She smiled a little and confidently leaned some more.

I was like... it was like... totally like... my salvation, way and way beyond my dreams. Although confessional-ly that was not true; my dreams had been worse. But , let's, for the sake of decent narration stick to the idea that that day was beyond wants. I knew what I had to do next and what I can do. But I was somehow hesitant. Few minutes passed and she made a slightly irritated and impatient noise and placed her hand on my hand that was above her seat and pulled it over her shoulders. It was like things fell in place. My face was mere inches form hers. I could smell her talc. I kissed her.

She abruptly turned toward me, pulling herself slightly away from my lips saying ‘DUDE! I leaned into you only because the guy next to me is leaning on me’.

Random nothings...

During this arduous week I have come to realize

• Destiny is much powerful and any mere human attempts to change it are nothing but a mockery. I so wanted to attend a function, was planning for it for months, was waiting for it for weeks, arranged important schedules around it, but looks like I’m going to be absent, for no fault of mine, but because I missed a routine and minor factor which .....

• When you want it postponed, that’s when it’s on or before time. When you want it ahead, that’s when it’s on or after time. When you want it on time that’s when it decides not to show up. So....

• There is no point in being angry and disappointed at something over which you have no control. This also goes for....

• Babies. They have their own rules of what they want. Most of the times it doesn’t make any real sense. If you even will it to change it results in tantrums and crying that takes the last drop of energy in your blood to put back right. But you don’t want to give in too. It’s a vicious and insane thing, this parenting. When the baby cries ‘Amma aanaam... doo...’ and would not let me lift her or come near her or in her vision, the heart literally bleeds out and life until that point seems a failure. That’s when....

• I feel the butterflies more. Fear of unknown or the anticipation of the future? Either ways....

• The need grows more. I’m still looking, more urgently, for that one person who is un-related, non label-able but who can be my all, my friend, my mentor, my spiritual aide, my enabler, my brother, my support.... Where the eff are you? If you ever read this, call me. I want to talk to you. Did you know...

• Few relations are beyond money. They spend for you, they work for you, they care for you, they listen to you when you are ranting, they comfort you when you are crying, they advise you exactly when you need it, they pick you up before you hit the bottom... all this unasked. I value them and should remember to value them forever. So...

• Why couldn’t gifts be roses and jasmines, kisses and hugs, cakes and balloons, best wishes and regards? Why couldn’t I be happy with just them? All these days why did I feel I need ‘things’ to make them prove how much I’m worth and show me what they think of me by buying ‘things’? All this packing is making me lose my interest in anything materialistic and make me want to embrace ‘Minimalistic living’. And why....

• Sometimes the feeling I’m losing everything sort of numbs me and why sometimes the feeling I have nothing to lose is a high? Maybe because....

• Strength of body is weirdly tied to the strength of mind. When you are un-interested though body is not tired it is a big chore to even raise a finger. When mind is in hyper drive you can continuously clean, pack and work without a break for 7 hours. Whatever....

• I want to take a piece of wet cloth and wipe the dirty, scribbled and scratched blackboard fresh. I want to write only those things there such that I won’t have the need in time to ever erase it.

As I stand in the middle of the living room with three huge boxes open in front of me, I realize what I really wanted to take with me will not fit in just those 3 of 23kgs. The memories and feelings left behind will definitely haunt me in the future silence.

When all this is going through me, someone asks, ‘So all set a? Excited a’ I just numbly smile at them and nod. Thank God for that strength.

The Nambikkai Iyarkkai

You are singularly special. You are the point of my convergence. You are my vision. You are my breath and the energy to take that breath. You are in my thoughts, blood and sinew. You give me wings and the air beneath it. You tether me to the grounds. We understand each other without effort. You comfort me with your hugs. You make me feel blessed with your kisses. You see me the way only you can, the way only you are allowed. You single me out for your needs. I confess, unashamedly, my love for you a hundred times over and never feel I have said enough. Your breath, your scent, your weight, your tears, your smiles are all very heavy, raw and yet tender in my heart. I will never be desensitized ever again.

You need no words to show how much you love me. I have no way to show how much I love you.

You make it incredibly difficult to hold on to you. You are so small but sometimes so hugely irritating. Most nights you drive me crazy. I resist. I give in. Sometimes, I feel lost and nervous, trying to give in to your demands and at the same time trying to put my foot down. But I’m never disheartened for I have in my holds your warm hands. Every morning is a brand new life. Your every smile is a miracle.

I never had to make an effort to love you, to think you are my life. It was so instant, so natural like blinking, like breathing and somehow a lot more easier than that. It was love at first sight... no, love at first thought... no, love at the first idea of you. Do you understand that?

I was walking along the shores alone for a long time. Something was missing with me, in me.

By God, I had many hands to hold me, love me and comfort me. Few walk behind me to steer me back on to course when I lose sight or track. One looks over me to make sure to guide me when I’m lost. One joined mid-way and has been beside me ever since to pick me up when I fall, to accompany me till the end. There are and were many hands than I could tell you. Some hands that held me I loved instantly. Some I learned to love. Some I wanted to hold on longer but couldn’t. Be it whatever, all hands that ever touched me have left their indelible mark on me.

But those all did not feel as if it was enough. I wanted more. I wanted a single pair of hands to do all that what the rest put together have tried to offer - to guide me, love me and let me be. I was willing to sacrifice anything to get someone to hold me that way. I wanted you. I was willing to forgo sleep, happiness, and sometimes even love of God just to be with you.

All my parayers were answered when I got you, God’s gift to me. Am I a worthy receiver? Can I take care of the most ever precious thing in my world? What have I done to get such a present, such an honor, to watch over the sweetest four toothed angel? I don't know nor should I worry about it.

I will love you in my every breath. And I will try to be as worthy of your love. Even if I need to forget everything else, I will. Even if I have to ignore the most basic needs, I would. Even if I'm sore I will do what you ask me to. I will do anything for you anytime. Promise. I will never be alone if I can see you in my mind, heart and soul. I will still not feel close enough, even if you cling to me like skin.

I get confused sometimes. Who is leading whom? Am I holding you protectively? Or are you guiding me safely?


You are my guiding hand. You trust me to guide you. Which ends when and which begins where is a mystery to me and to you.

I have not said enough. I dont know how to.

Is there any poem ever written to describe your sweetness? Is there any song which could try to say how I feel about you? Will there ever be?

Thangam vaangaliyo thangam...

Today is, the calendar says, Chithirai month, Thrithiyai thithi and Rohini star.

So today is “Akshaya Thrithiyai”, a fact that is being aani aduchufied into our brains by the many ads. For the past week, almost every other advertisement in TV is yelling about “May 5- 6 thedhigalil, Akshaya Thrithiyai munnitu...”. It has been going on hyper-drive, crazy mode. More so as this time we get two days of Thrithiyai instead of just one (previous evening and today morning). Kekanuma?

So even though it was Vanigar dhinam yesterday, the jewelries remained open. Of course, all the restrictions and regulations and the need to show solidarity between the vanigars are expected of only the small, corner petti kadai owners. They don’t apply to giants who bring in crores and above crores of money into the business, in just a matter of two days. Though majority of shops were closed yesterday (until 5 pm), the traffic flowing into Usman road and Pondy bazaar and Ranganathan street was heavy. In 104 degrees, with autos, buses and cars and two wheelers being blocked entrance into the area almost as far a mile away, people were said to have mochufied the jewelries. There was ‘no place for the shadow to fall on the ground’ in the ‘Times Square of Chennai’

A celebration, no, more of an observation that existed in the most orthodox of households has suddenly become a craze.

I don’t remember celebrating this day. Until 4-5 years back I didn’t even know that such a thing existed, though it isn’t much to boast. During the summer holidays, even if manga or naarthanga pachidhi or semiya payasam were served, it was treated in the same way as rasam and was gobbled down before rushing off to the interrupted games. So I don’t know or rather don’t remember if “Akshaya Thrithiyai” was observed in my household during my childhood in any which way.

Even our family’s personal Wikipedia, my Gramma feels says so. She explains that it is a vazhi vandha pazhakam to serve God and offer ‘cooling’ foods in kathiri veyil time. Not restricted to just this day, that during the Agni nakchatram, it’s good karma and good sense to have neer pandhal to serve neermoor and thayir saadam to passersby. And like every other offering to man, it has to be offered to God first. A morning dip in Cauvery was considered auspicious during those times. But with the river flowing in the backyard in our Aghrahaaram that particular activity was almost routine. It being a punya kalam, chanting of slokams and fasting was done by few, and that day being an auspicious one for Vishu/ Perumal, people visited temple and drank tulasi water. That’s pretty much about it, she says.

Stories, legends and myths, are retold on Sudama-Krishna-aval-hut to palace, and about the “Akshaya pathiram”. Chithirai’s Thrithiyai was (is?) supposedly first day of Threta yuga and is noted as the day the pullaiyaar suzhi for Mahabaratam was scripted by Mr. Vyas. (I’m not sure if these legends are connected because of ‘Akshaya’ name or did these incidents happen on the chithirai-thirthiyai-rohini. Anyone to explain?)

But in this Kaliyuga all else about dhaanam and bhakthi are forgotten and it has been reduced to a day when we have to buy jewels. Gold, nothing else. Or maybe ‘Selva thirumagal Lakshmi’ in Platinum. This has been a growing trend in just these few years. Had it been a craze in my Grammy’s time itself, gold rates would have been 10000 per gram during her wedding. (Why couldn’t she or my parents have bought all the gold they could when one savaran was selling at 500 or so. I could have taken a retirement now as a Crorepathi or something above that)

Closer at home, I did not even get a paal packet today, unfortunately. And last year being the first that was celebrated in our house hold with wee Daughtie, I managed to lose her one paown gold bangle/ bracelet.

Drishti kazhinjadhu po, my dad said.

Question:
• Is this a trend elsewhere in India too? Or is Chennai being the fore-runner?

• Kaazhiyoor Narayanan says today things that are white are ugandhadhu for God and advises us to buy Platinum things. Isn’t Silver white too? With the price it is selling at isn’t it precious too?

• Like “Happy Diwali” and “Happy Star-birthday” and “Happy first-time-I-saw-you anniversary”, will we be wishing “Happy Akshaya Thrithiyai” in some years to come? “Vizhaa kaala sirappu thallupadiaga...oru gram thangam vaanguvooruku oru glass thanneer tharapadum”. I can hear ads screaming.

• Will Archie’s and Landmark cash in on the current craze and introduce cards to celebrate the auspicious occasion. A red card with a small Lakshmi figurine in white and a few grains of yellowed rice stuck on top, tied up with yellow/ golden thread and a ‘May this day bring you good wealth, health and prosperity’ quote, would sell well. After all it has cards for Holi and Rakhi and all other ‘Whassit’ days.

Now we need to wait for Chithirai month’s Thrithiyai thithi and Rohini star to fall on a Monday to take this madness to its heights. When it does gold, per gram will be selling at 5000.

Whatever man.

Let it be known, that I too was part of the generation which ballooned a concept inappropriately out of proportion.

And here’s wishing everyone a “Happy Akshaya Thrithiyai”. Li’l one, from atop the bed headboard, says, ‘Aa-lau-iu’. Now thats golden.