பாடாத ராகம்

அந்த நீல நதிக்கரை ஓரம்
நீ நின்றிருந்தாய் அந்திநேரம்
நான் பாடி வந்தேன் ஒரு ராகம்
நாம் பழகி வந்தோம் சிலகாலம்!

இந்த இரவைக் கேளது சொல்லும்
அந்த நிலவைக் கேளது சொல்லும்
உந்தன் மனதைக் கேளது சொல்லும்
நாம் மறுபடி பிறந்ததைச் சொல்லும்!

அன்று சென்றதும் மறந்தாய் உறவை
இன்று வந்ததே புதிய பறவை
எந்த ஜென்மத்திலும் ஒரு தடவை
நாம் சந்திப்போம் இந்த நிலவை?

பார்த்த ஞாபகம் இல்லையோ
பருவ நாடகம் தொல்லையோ
வாழ்ந்த காலங்கள் கொஞ்சமோ
மறந்ததே என் நெஞ்சமோ?

மேகம் மூடிய வெண்மை

பேசச் சொன்னது அன்பு நிலா
பிரியச் சொன்னது துன்ப நிலா
தூங்கச் சொன்னது காதல் நிலா
துடிக்க விட்டது கால நிலா
இன்பம் தந்ததும் ஒரே நிலா
ஏங்க வைத்ததும் அதே நிலா

(பெரிய இடத்து பெண்)

அழகு

மழையின் துளி ஒன்று மயிலிறகில் விழுந்தால்,
தோகைமயில் ஆடும் காட்சிகளும் கண்டேன்.
மழையின் துளி ஒன்று பாறைகளில் விழுந்தால்
மௌனமே மிஞ்சும் காட்சிகளும் கண்டேன்.
இர‌ண்டு பொருள் உண்டு, எந்த‌ பொருள் பாட‌?
பாலைவனம் எங்கும் பால் நில‌வு தேன் சிந்தி யார் பார்த்திட‌?

சின்ன‌ சின்ன‌க் கிண்ண‌ம், ஊற்றி வைத்த‌ வ‌ண்ண‌ம்,
தூறிகையில் சேர்ந்தால், ஓவிய‌ங்க‌ளாகும்.
ஓவிய‌னின் வ‌ண்ண‌ம், ஊற்றி வைத்த கிண்ண‌ம்,
பேதைக் கையில் சேர்ந்தால், என்ன நிலை ஆகும்?
இர‌ண்டு நிலை உண்டு, எந்த‌ நிலை பாட?
ரசிகன் இல்லை என்றால், தாமரை பூ பூத்து யார் பார்த்திட?

பாடவா? பாடவா? அலைகளைப் பாடவா?
பாடவா? பாடவா? கரைகளைப் பாடவா?
பாடல்கள் கோடி, என்ன பாடும் வானம்‍பாடி?
பூங்குளத்தின் மேலே புயலும் விளையாட,
அலையடிக்கும் நீரில் அல்லி என்ன பாட?

(ஜான்)

மௌனமாய் வளர் நேசம்..,

இராப்பொழுது வானின் வில்லாக,
மலரைக் காக்கும் தென்றலாக,
கண்ணீருக்குப்பின் வரும் சிறுபுன்னகையாக,
உற்சாகம் கொடுக்கும் அலை முத்தமாக‌,
சுவாசமாய் நிறையும் ஆசைக்காற்றாக,
நான் முற்பிறப்பில் பெற்ற பலனாக,
வாய்த்திருக்கும் என்னவனே.
என் நண்பனே, என் கணவனே, என காதலனே!!!
வேர் நுனியிலிருந்து இலைகளுக்கு பரவும்
இதம் போலான‌ உன் கனிவினால்
நான் இருப்பேன் - சலனமில்லாது.
நானாக, நீயாக, அனைத்துமாக!

Can you please?

I never thought some things could be so easy to think about but highly difficult to express it aloud. I never thought saying about certain things that happen everyday would be so hard. Those words that form in the mind but refuse to get delivered in speech remain a silent wish; a heartfelt desire; sweet thrill; an undercurrent; a nothing about everything. I have so many and many bits that I need to tell you. And I have just one question to ask you. Can you, please?

Talk to me passionately about our future together. Argue with me over different issues freely. Discuss frankly about anything- your dreams, passions and beliefs. Make me feel wanted. Surprise me occasionally. Dedicate your unwavering attention when I’m talking about my dreams. Hug me tightly and spread your warmth till I can no longer feel my chilling demons. Never say sorry; instead show it in your action. Take me walking in the night rain and under a tree shade, kiss me, sing to me and say 'I’m so lucky' (and that day will be special to me more than my birthdays). Blindly trust me. Gift me flowers or chocolate often. For one whole day allow me to rest and do all my works for me. Shape our lives such that I can be myself and yours at the same time. Do not dismiss my silly passions as just silly; just go along! When things are rough and I’m scared, assure me 'everything will be alright', even if at the moment you don’t feel all is right. Let me do chores for you, not because I have to, but because I want to. Deny caffeine and late night TVs not just because you don’t like them, but also because they are not good for me. Do not yell or mock at me immediately when I do something wrong, but tell me slowly the next morn (for then I pledge I will never do that mistake again). Comfort me, and get me a glass of water when I cry. If you have to, be brave against all of them to support me. Do family gossips with me. Wake up next to me, ruffle my hair, tell 'Good morning!' and make me feel blessed. Tease me, haunt me and pet me. Share with me ideas about raising our kids. Smile always. Pray along with me. Allot time exclusively for us. Gently mould me to your comfort level and get molded to mine. Hold my hands and promise not the stars, nor the skies, but just say that we will grow older and happier together.

Can you, please? For I want to love you. I want to love you, even more!

If ever, you get a hint of the unformed sentences, catch the tune of the unrhymed songs, take me in your arms, look me deep in the eye and say ‘I love you’. Enough!

நான்கு சுவர்களுக்குள்ளே நானும் மெழுகுவர்த்தியும்..

ஒரே மணி, அதே ஒலி தினம் பாடுது
பல ஸ்வரம், ஒரேவித கதை பேசுதே!
அதே மனம், புது சுவைக்காக ஏங்குது
தனிமையெனும் விழம் கூட தலைக்கு ஏறுதே!
பேசும் வார்த்தை மரபு மீறி சுமையானது
மௌன மொழியும் இந்நாட்களில் கசப்பானதே!
நில்லாமல் சுற்றும் எந்தன் பூமி சுழல மறுக்குது
நேற்றும் இன்றும் நாளை போல குழப்பமானதே!
ஜன்னலில் வரும் முகம் நிழலானது
பாசம் நேசம் தோற்றம் மாறி அஞ்ஞானமனதே!
இவை பிழையான‌ கனவெனில் விழிக்கலாம்.
விழித்திருக்கையிலேயே வாழ்க்கை கனவெனத் தெளிந்தால்,
விழித்தென்ன? வாழ்ந்தென்ன?

எது என்று சொல்ல‌?

நீ தனிமை என்றால், நான் துணையா தூர‌த்திலா?
நீ துணை தான் என்றால், நான் பேசவா யோசிக்கவா?
நீ திரும்பி நின்றால், நான் நிற்கவா போய்விடவா?
நீ போகிறாய் என்றால், நான் அழைக்கவா அழுதிடவா?
நீ காதல் என்றால், நான் சரியா தவறா?

(தில்)

Post it...

Found written on the rear of a giant truck

If you can't see my mirror,
I cannot see you...

somehow suits life too...

நான் பேச நினைப்பதெல்லாம்..,

தாய் வீட்டை விட்டு நகர்ந்து
புது கூடு அமைத்த பெண் பறவை
எங்கோ தொலைவில் கூவிக்கொண்டு இருக்கிறது.
அதன் பாஷை புரியவில்லை. ஆனால்,
அது இசையால் உணர்த்தும்
வேதனை, வலிக்கிறது.

Lost in the unknown..,

When the chirpers sang fine
Days of fun, sunshine and wine
A person, to her, so fond,
Said he saw something beyond
Busting off the thin line

Forgive me for startling you with the impetuosity of my sentiments, my dear. It cannot have escaped your notice that for some time past, the friendship I have had in my heart for you, has ripened into a deeper feeling, a feeling more beautiful, more pure, more sacred. Dare I name it you? Ah! It is love which makes me so bold!

He spoke tales of love; his hands she sought
Was all talks, a bait, that got her caught?
Soon, saw herself, by Truth, to be buffeted
Vented at the one who mattered
For dreams had dissolved, into naught

At the mention of the name, her overwrought nerves would give way and she would burst into tears. Would she never stop stabbing him to the heart? Her only thought had been to make him happy and safe but every turn she seemed to hurt him. She had wrecked his life, broken his pride and self-respect, shattered that inner peace, that calm based on integrity.

But he understood, it wasn’t, acts of irreverence
As things were not within her inference
While, he, letting her get a bit uppity
Took it all, handling her with dignity
All along crumbling inside with impuissance

She was tired, more tired than she had ever been in all her life. The strain under which she had been laboring, the strain which had given her strength, suddenly snapped. She felt exhausted in body and drained of emotions. Now she felt no sorrow or remorse, no fear or amazement. She was just tired and her mind ticked dully, mechanically, as the clock on the mantel. Out of the dullness, one thought arose. He did not love her and had never really loved her and that knowledge did not hurt. It should hurt. She should be desolate, broken-hearted, ready to scream at fate. She had relied upon his love for long. It had upheld her through so many dark places. Yet, there the truth was. He did not love her and she did not care. She did not care because she did not love him. She did not love him and so nothing he could do or say could hurt her. She was confused, because she definitely felt she loved him, loved him for years. Can love change into apathy in a minute? But the truth is it could change and it had.

Though the Truth and others keep them apart
It may linger, in trace, in their heart
Life has means, for bliss, to upon descend
A way - let somethings go with the wind,
Even when the dears don’t depart

My new found love..

Ever since I got to know about that thing, I was enthused. When I was younger merely talking about it would give me the high. It was then restricted as adult-talk and was hushed upon when some silly fantasies regarding it was revealed. Time rolled on and with my transition from a girl to a woman came the eligibility to talk about the thing without being frowned on. It was alright for a woman to wonder loudly about that thing, talk about it with passion, and even sometimes crib. In fact it was encouraged, in subtle ways, by the elders in the family to have a positive thrill about the whole thing.

I belong to a normal family, which has minimal expectation from every member. All are happy with the way things are, and only rarely was there any misunderstandings and arguments. I got all the right things at the right age. I had no regrets pertaining to anything, and I didn’t think I would have any, either. Maybe I always believed that I would be with my parents all along, by that I mean they would take care of me and always travel along me in this long journey. But when the time came when every one thought I was ready for the thing, I started questioning everything, right from the concept to its execution. It came as a shock, that I was expected to change seats and travel with someone else for the rest of my life. Ironically, all my life, the one thing that I was so fascinated about and the thing that I was secretly hoping would be the best, suddenly changed to a thing that I feared the most.

How could I ever leave my parent’s side and travel with some one new, when I was all comfortable where I was? Would it be worth the change? What if it did not work out? Would that travel provide the fun and warmth that made me feel secure till date? Some were unreasonable; some were due to the helpless condition I was in; and some were due to the pressure of the change. But I had so many questions. People heard my questions, expressed concern, sympathized that they went through the same path, spoke encouraging words and egged me to indulge in the thing but none seem to provide a convincing answer. I could never believe anything that was happening. Seemed like I was fighting against a whole bunch of people; people, whom I thought would understand me, were asking me to do the change, saying it was the best thing that happened in everyone’s life. I don’t know. I had my own doubts.

Slowly, when the initial shock of the request-to-change-place sunk in, my eyes and mind cleared well enough to take in some of the positives of the whole thing. It would sure be nice, to have someone to travel with, all my life, of course with the parents within reach; It would be great to have someone exclusively for one’s self, to pamper and spoil and care for. The many movies I had seen, the many songs I had listened to, praised about that thing and I started seeing myself in my new place. Wouldn’t it be a challenge to travel alongside a total stranger and slowly getting molded to the other person’s comfort level? Wouldn’t it be great to hold up the head and say ‘Yeah baby! That’s coz of me!’? Some days went by with thoughts like those. With the thrill came the uncertainties. What if instead of the smooth ways, the travel path lead to a trough and never came up at all? What if I don’t get enough support to see me through the dark tunnels? What if the view through the new window was not all that alluring as it was eulogized it would be?

I figured if I gave too much thought about this thing, I’m definite to lose my mind. I decided to take a rational look at the whole situation. It was after lots and lots of arguments and tears and tantrums, I finally saw a tiny hint of what my people were trying to make me understand. It was when I was actually tired, of myself, thinking all the sides to the problems, fighting against hypothetical ifs and buts. I realized that somewhere deep inside, some portion of me wanted to try out the change, how much ever the other portions of me were pointing against it. So finally, much to the relief of my family, I consented for a trial of the new place. All I had to do was to clear my thoughts, leave behind all inhibitions and look at the travel as it progressed.

It happened and I shifted, next to that someone who was destined to travel with me. So much to my surprise the new place did live up to the hype. If possible, maybe more! The view from the new window through the shoulders of the person on my left was indeed exciting. I could get the warmth of sunlight, promises of the dusk, gift from the moon and secrets from the stars. I saw the same world in a different way. I, the same person, and the view from the window were the same thing. But I enjoyed it in an enticing flavor. The roaring voices inside of me, which were constantly nagging to make sure if I had made the right decision, finally gave up and I started to hear the buzz of the engine, talks of the co passengers and feel the soft breeze again in my life.

Now I’m in the great comfort and company of the person on my left, with the support of my new people and the never failing belief and blessings of my own folks. Surprisingly, when I look back at the troubling times I had before the trial, it seems magical. Yea truly magical! Tough though it was, sure, but it had chiseled me, humbled me and groomed me, for the rest of my travel. It had shown me clearly my worst fears and prepared me to accept the journey as it may go. Now, even if the path is rough or icy or prickly or smooth, how ever it may be, I have the mental strength, physical comfort and people’s support and I believe these will seem me through all those adversities. And these visions saw me make my transition to this new place with a happy heart, prayers and million dreams.

Extending my hand to be intertwined with my traveling partner’s, I got myself something new, something old, something borrowed, something blue.

Idhazh pirikkaamal,
Kural ezhuppaamal
Naan enakkaaga oru paadal paadikkondean!!!

Satrange sapne..,

கவிதைகள் வாசிக்க அன்பே அன்பே உந்தன் கண்கள் கொடு
காற்றை நான் சுவாசிக்க அன்பே அன்பே உந்தன் காதல் கொடு
சூரியன் என்னை சுடுகின்றது, உனது உள்ளங்கை ஈர‌ம் கொடு
‌குளிரிலே ரத்தம் உறைகின்றது, உனது நெஞ்சத்தின் வெப்பம் கொடு...

(புதிய கீதை)

Is this love? I think so..

Phoebe: Breaking up sucks! I know I did the right thing. I know I should not be in a relationship that has no future. But aaahh!! I really miss Mike. God!! I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it. But, I can’t think of anything that rhymes with aaaaAAAAArrRRRRRRRgggggggGGGHHHH ...

Mike: I missed you so much. No. I’m not going to ask you to get back together, because, I know we want different things. But, can I just to be with you one more time? I mean if I had known that the last time I saw you would be the last time, I wouldn’t have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time, then I never would have stopped.

On a coin toss?

She wished for a 'yes'.
He replied, 'no'.
Who is it to say,
he won or she lost???
Its merely the same
and thats the difference!

Divine manifestation...

She was all prepared for that special meeting, an encounter which she had been long awaiting. He was all special to her and she looked up to him perpetually, in times of happiness or even otherwise. He appeared specifically handsome that night and looked adorable in grey outfit that had a strange, mild hint of orange. He seemed all set for the encounter too, occasionally flashing a radiant smile across the distance between them. Whenever she gave him that charming look, he made a nervous shift but never failed to make a slight, twinkling wink. Maybe, the thrill that her private dreams about that encounter were slowly coming true, she looked her attractive best, not to mention the captivating fragrance about her. She came through as extremely serene and seductive at the same time.

He, reveling in the display of importance, teased her by pretending to take little interest in her and remained almost calm for a long time. With little or no response from him, she felt that she was not going to get her whims full filled that night. So she decided to do her bit in trying to ensnare him and thought that some innocuous flirting would definitely ignite jealousy and make him react. Meanwhile, there was this other one, who was apparently taken by her exquisiteness and was trying to enchant her. She too, mischievously, pretended to enjoy the attention. He took the advantage of her interest, and made his moves quickly. Playfully ruffling her, gently caressing her features, he tried to sweep her off, in strong and hungry embraces. She also gave in, to a very little extent, even though she was longing for a different kind of an embrace, that which would arouse her to full senses and provide her total gratification, that which would be the long awaited revelation and the mere memory of which would excite her. And she precisely knew who can do that to her.

So deep was her pining, for that special touch and endearment that she totally lost interest in the flirting she had been indulged in. He was true in his intent, but she started to feel suffocated in the imperativeness and the control he was gaining on her. She broke off abruptly, feeling hurt and daunted. Little did he know that she flirted with him assuming it to be a means of making her playing-hard-to-get lover take notice! Neither was he aware, that she, though in his grip, was all the while having her looks riveted at her special one and that she took up his bait, just to mock and lure back her dear.When she broke free of him, it drove the point to him and he recognized the pretence of her responses and her lack of actual involvement, but accepted with deepest remorse his failure, and braced himself, thinking it was worth a shot. Among so many other stuffs he also sent down a particularly lovely and a pleasantly scented flower, as a casual remember-me-by. That flower traced a gentle and slow path towards her. Its movement was almost sensual and equally or more importantly enticing to the one whom she had tried to coax; the one for whose touch she had long since nurtured a yearning.

With a glance, that spoke of some true want and the need to belong, she glanced at him and sensed that her beloved was looking down upon her in a demurely manner, which she knew meant that she was finally getting what she desired. He was sure disturbed when he saw her in another’s embrace, but at the moment he clearly realized what she meant to him and how much he wanted her. The moment he saw her break free from the another’s grip, he was ecstatic, and let out a loud whistle in exuberance. He knew he could not resist his attraction towards her any longer, so, he bent down and kissed her ever so slightly. She was beyond herself at his kiss, but her avidity kept her cautious, lest she turn him off. But he was gentle and she could sense his urgency in possessing her wholly. She gave in, obviously succumbing to her own needs and what ensued were great moments of intimacy and belongingness. He was generous and she was totally accommodating, both rejoicing the togetherness, for their ardor for each other was so remarkable and to some extent insatiable, passionate and indulgent.

Even after a long time, the trees are swaying as if in eulogy to this holy union of heaven and earth, with the winds providing a melancholic interlude.

Mannile mannile vandhu udaiyudhu vaanam
Mazhaiyile karaiyudhe rendu managalin dhooram
Kaadhil ketkum idi oosai, kaadhal nenjathin paribhaashai
Mazhaiyai pola uravaada manadhil enna peraasai
Neeril ezhudhum kaadhal azhiyum, mazhai neere ezhudhidum kaadhal azhiyaadhe..

Lilting

I wonder how, what someone said, a long time ago, can reflect my thoughts in every word of every line in such perfection.

Perceiving the shadow..,

Striking incoherence,
picking at disconnected chords,
some gentle breezes
tell tales of old fragrance -
fanning the glowing embers
lying just beneath,
piercing the strong veils, and
stinging at the soul’s mirror -
it makes the pain ooze out.
For, losing a dear
is seldom forgotten.
But blinking back, and
concealing the wounds within,
dropping the curtains down again,
we say, of a gone scar
that is rarely remembered.

Alright, still

...As far as I can trace back and remember, life was meaningful and fun for the first few years, until that one fateful day - that day when playfully my world got changed. Forever! I did not know about it then. I took them to be my friends and play-mates though they were so very much elder to me. I literally started to live and play with them. I was so innocent and young to analyze if it was anything different and unfortunately,I began to enjoy that life.

Now, I don’t even remember some of them from that gang of 6 or 7 or maybe 8. But the ways they thought me, the games we indulged in are strongly imbibed in me, like carvings in a stone. I was introduced to the stuff at an age, when rational questioning came next to having fun. So for some days, when my heart craved for that means and actions, my mind did not point it out to be any different, because I was not aware of it being different. In-fact, the realization was very painful and heart-wrenching. How could ‘they’ do that to me, that too at that small age? I had so many questions, but so few answers; though I knew I had one thing, a burden for life that I have to endure. I was like a lump of clay or wax and ‘they’ made me take this form. Now, the candle has melted and the clay-doll has lost its moisture and is broken. There have been countless days and nights, I used to spend up crying and lamenting over the way I’m; and that, it’s not very charming to be different like this. Not that I had much choice, but with all these crying and stuff, there was some truth about my life. An irrefutable truth – my mind longed for it and I began to accept myself for what I was. I started to seek solace in the arms of like minded people; of them some traveling in this lane out of their own choice and consent; some cause of reasons similar to mine; and some others due to reasons much worse.

Sometimes I wonder if there was ever a God. If He was real and existent, He would not have let this happen and I would ask Him this, “How come the Angel you sent to watch over me failed me in this? How could she not realize, I’m going through all this and not recognize the changes? She was with me in all my highs and lows, and helped me put things straight, but where was she when I was being shaped like this?” But other times I do feel that God exists. Though He had taken away from me the normal pleasures of life, He had been lavish in providing me with friends – great friends. Touch wood. If not been for them, I would be long gone, miserably succumbing to the pressures of the past. It is only with their constant support, patient ears and tender hearts but stronger minds that I am, what I’m today.

Alright, but still some days I feel terrible - with the thought of being deprived of that one real companion who would support and understand me emotionally, physically, mentally, and will promise to be with me throughout my life; - with the knowledge that I will never be in a meaningful relationship that has a future, progeny and lot many other things; - with the injustice of all this that I’m made to suffer for no fault of mine. It’s not like the world I’m in does not involve all these things. It sure does and I have a wonderful time too. But,...you know, for my emotional needs I still look for a...!It ain't gonna happen (sigh)! Anyways, lets just say, some times it does hurt. I don’t know if it would do any good to anybody knowing the truth, about me. I guess it would not - especially, not to my family and some special people will definitely not be able to take it. But life goes on as it never ends, why not have some fun in the ride...though,you know...Oh! You don't know!

Ironically, the so called civilized-and-intellectual-time stands a silent witness to these painful and crude realities. A blank noise. Indeed, it is a not-so-good-world after all.

P.S: May not be exactly true or correct. May differ from one to ‘other’.

Emotional knapsack

At convergence,
what felt more
important and huge
makes me seem
dwarfed and silly,
at divergence!

அக்னிபிரவேசம்..,

Kaleidoscopical..,

Chipped pieces of past,
Fragments of rocky memories,
Moist dreams and
Promising tender roots...
Through the dense of stuff –
there is always place, to
seep through and fill –
thought grains of you.

Excruciating..,

Negate that, what the mind discerns,
Salvage, the thirst to trust;
Act deaf to that, which the heart prompts,
Block out, the image you are;
Accept that, what the fate dishes,
Sanctify, the precious soul;
Renounce that, which the memory agonizes,
Swallow, the embarrassment;
I will, all these do,
and, forgive you too - only
if I can forgive my self!
For, I can forgive..
if I can just.... forget.

Musing.....

I think. Therefore, I'm still thinking..
Confusion or illusion?

Pronounced

I can hear you,
profoundly
in your silence!

Vicious..,

I'm thinking, of
forgetting some thing.
And all I'm thinking
is this thing...

Yippeeeee

I belong to.....

The sorting hat!!

I'm missing.......

வினைத்தொகை..,

Prompt:
எங்கேயோ உன் முக‌ம் நான் பார்த்த‌ ஞாப‌க‌ம்
எப்போதோ உன்னுட‌ன் நான் வாழந்த‌ ஞாப‌க‌ம்

Manasantha Nuvve..,

Tempest...

..what you said,
and what is unsaid,
in a desultory vein,
keeps haunting!

in fermented silence,
an involunatry tear
peek out, never to be seen,
never to be felt for!

A lasting sereness.

In brief, a lifetime..

Prompt: Brevity is the soul of wit (sarcasm, cheek, charm etc..etc)……
He said.
She said.
They never lived happily ever after!

Weird it is..

I was tagged by the Master-writer to write six weird things about myself...
So here it goes...

• I have a strange liking for proverbs. I feel they are the moral-of-the-story of some pure and unadulterated experiences. Two of my favorites..,
  
  • Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts
    Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours!
    
  • Thankku vandhathan theriyum kaaichalum thalavaliyum
    (Which, loosely translated would mean, to get to know how it actually feels, one has to experience it)
  
  
• Whenever I’m feeling dispirited, disturbed, depressed, dented, demented (in short, any grey emotions), I loose all my words; But I find them when I write – something, anything (sense or nonsense)
  
  
• I never like what I write/wrote. My characters have no names and I believe I have a short coming in exactly transforming happy emotions into words.
  
  
• I’m extremely and embarrassingly shy when it comes to talking in front of a strange audience and accepting gifts.
  
  
• I like oceans, rains, waterfalls, sprinklers, rivers, drizzles, streams and springs. But I’m slightly hydrophobic.
  
  
• When I have dreams (not the day dreams, but the real dream dreams), I have a strange sense that I can actually see myself dreaming it, and when the course of the dream is not what I like/prefer I can at will alter it. I usually wake up immediately after that. Was I dreaming or thinking?

To be or not to be..

Prompt:My mind, my life, my world.

Unrequited. Still certain words and phrases catch our attention, sometimes even when we are not listening in. And the restless mind seeming to be waiting for this piece starts to make a journey on its own. So is the case with her, right now. Her mind is like a wall with graffiti-ed thoughts; remembering every phrase in great detail; like a zone of mixed emotions; a black hole.Over hearing people talk, she is drifting off to a conversation with herself.

'....over and out....'

‘How is she feeling now?’ One of her visitors asks.
‘No one knows how she is feeling. She should either speak up or at least show some emotion, in any form. This staying shut up is doing her no good.’ Grandma rambles on.

What can she say? How she possibly let every one down? How she failed?
She is tongue-tied now. What can she say? Anything at all about the embalmed feelings! When all concerned are far, far away, never to return! It has now become some kind of a reflex. If someone asks, ‘How are you?’ she replies, ‘Fine’. If the question is, ‘Are you happy?’ she immediately says, ‘Yea!’ which may be far from truth.

‘……stop talking about this nonsense……crap....boring...’

‘All she should do right now is eat well and take ample rest. But in this busy world...’ Grandma is still going on.

'...busy...'

She has always had time for people she deeply cared. And it turned out to be a mistake to expect the same in return. Suicidal. No, no. It was suicide when she realized what was happening. It was suicide when she actually spoke it out. Someone once wisely said, ‘It is, but, their choices’

Yes. It was her choice, then. To confess. And now she is reaping the rich gains of her folly. She is not able to accept the fact that her air-castle is so brutally and so coldly demolished. Also she keeps thinking that she is not to be blamed entirely and solely for everything that is happening.

'....by a net....m like water...'

All she wanted was some quality time and few kind words. Whatever she got in return were rejection, neglect, regardless words, and sarcasm.

‘It is true. I do too. Loads!’

All those empty words. She has always had a weakness for words. But those were not some carelessly strewn words. Instead they were carefully chosen phrases that are sure to have touched anybody's heart. Some willful. Some misleading.

'Nothing to lose. Nothing to gain.'

Neutrality is like saying, ‘I don't care'. Now she has got nothing. No shoulder to lean on. No soul to truthfully say, ‘hang on’. She stares long at the silent mobile of hers. This had been the only means of contact. But it’s been dead for quite some days now. Maybe it knew of its owner end and preceded her as a truthful aide.

'...of course...catch u later'

Her mom comes near, touches her forehead to feel the temperature. Though her mother says nothing, she can see the pain in her eyes; the pain of seeing her daughter in such evident trouble. She has never let her mother down. Not that she remembers of. Not in her 23 years of truthful existence. But now she is left with little choice. She is no more the truthful daughter, nor does her existence holds any point. 'I'm sorry, ma' she mumbles.

‘I’m so sorry. I’m helpless.’

She is now a prisoner within her own shell. She retreats into her cocoon and the enveloping emptiness does not help much in relieving her from the pain and the memory. She drifts into an uneasy but a forceful sleep.

'...it is a forceful no...'

She feels a cold touch on her cheeks and she opens her eyes to see her dad sitting next to her, gently tapping on her shoulders as if singing a wordless lullaby. Now seeing she is awake, he helps her to sitting position, and gives her the tablets for her fever. But an ailment he knows not is tormenting his daughter. He is still unawares that some deep pining is all that’s the cause; that the suppressed and repressed feelings and emotions are boiling up and torturing her. He assuringly says, 'Don’t worry. No fear! Everything will be all right soon'

'.....fear of...Fear of....fear..'

Fear! A wonderfully absurd word. No further questions after hearing someone say that. A word beyond any rational justification. Seeing that his daughter is no longer listening to him, her dad slowly kisses her a good night and silently leaves the room.

'...angel...'

Wonder if angels are living people? Maybe they do exist in the fairy land. A land where prayers are still answered; where things are always what they seem; where there is still respect and dignity of self. Maybe such a land is itself a fairy dream.

‘Maybe ……….it is not true. Maybe ...…….don’t matter. Maybe …..…… not even a close….’

Maybe she will wake up tomorrow to realize that it has all been a dream, a bad dream. Maybe she will wake up tomorrow having to face another long, essentially purposeless day, an aimless journey, struggling with the memory of the past. Maybe she will not wake up at all!

'......its too late for anything.....'

'Yes.' she accepts with deepest remorse. 'Sadly, it is.'

Unlove

Disclaimer: Not an original work!

At first I seemed to like it. Later got to know the actual source and the intent..it doesnt seem interesting anymore.....repulsive....ugh :(
So just removing the content, but the post just stays for the old time sake...

Mirage!

Prompt: How I won my ship back?

Once there lived a little girl. She was very simple and naïve. She did all the things her masters ever asked her to do. Very truthful, her zest for life was remarkable. From morning till night she enjoyed every moment and lived her life to the fullest. She was very friendly, approachable and fun to be with. She had very few close friends, but she cared for them deeply.

She had one peculiar habit. She loved that tall window in her palace, which offered a nice view of the town below. She used to spend some time everyday standing by that window, going through the events of the day or thinking about something or just thinking about nothing. She never did that on purpose and she was never able to concentrate on one particular thing. Though she did not even know why she was doing it, she did it nevertheless. This was her way of communicating to herself, reaching to the Princess inside her. Her every wish, her failures, her secrets – the window sills knew it all. She would hold on to it and stare at the view aimlessly till it grew dark outside.

Then one day, when she was silently enjoying her silence, the site of him crossing the street, caught her attention. He was tall, handsome and sweet looking. She took an instant liking to the Prince. Life was never the same again for her. Every day she used to wait for him to pass through her place.

It took him merely few minutes to cross her place. But it was like a year to her. She lived her hours for those minutes. She was obsessed by him. She felt claustrophobic in her palace. As the days passed, she started liking everything about him. Insanely; Dangerously! She was so blindly and deeply in love with him that she could sense his presence even at a distance. By his smell, by his voice, she did not know. How she wanted those strong hands to hold hers; those lips on hers; his warmth to expel her mist? She smiled to herself. Her garden was in full bloom. She experienced bliss. Completely! Life was colorful. She felt the birds and rivers sang only for her.

She felt, he was everything, and everything was him! And he in turn seemed to enjoy the attention. Passed on those lovely messages to her; would turn around and give her one of his naughtiest smiles, every time he caught her eyes. Not a day passed when they did not meet, when they did not feel for each other, all the while becoming an integral part of each others life. The moment of separation each day was painful, but with that came the hopes and dreams of the next day; and life till that moment was a boring drag.

But one day, he did not come, and she missed him. That continued for a few days and she missed him badly. When that prolonged for months she began to worry about him. Whoever said, out of sight, then out of mind, was an idiot. His memory in her kept haunting her everyday and she felt only during his absence from her life, he started growing in her more. Than ever! And one day he came along. She ran the lengths of her palace to greet him as usual. He smiled back at her as usual, dutifully. She was happy but slightly disturbed by the presence of his friend at his side. She reasoned out that they could be general acquaintance. And when this accompaniment followed, she became worried and spoke about this to her friends. They said what she dreaded to hear. What she had stubbornly refused to accept, all along.

She felt terrible at the loss. At the same time she was incensed. How could he ever leave her? She hated him. She loved him. She did not know what went wrong. Were things assumed? Was it a cold betrayal? Was it just another ploy of fate? Whatever, anyone said or did did nothing to allay the feeling of lost - of losing someone so precious and heart-fully possessed. Only then she realized how deeply she loved him, and how he was much more than a love to her. He had been her life!

As like the ultimate Master, her master had other plans for her too. Suddenly everything changed. She was denied speech. She was denied right to her thoughts about him. It was tough; tougher than holding her own breathe; even tougher than the urge to drink water when thirsty. She wanted to put and end. An end to everything - to herself! But realized she couldn’t do it. For the sake of her master. For the sake of the Prince.

She was torn. Neither was she able to settle and bury the love; nor was she able to stop it growing. She was alive for the sake of living, and she was living because she was still alive. Everything everywhere looked normal and abnormal. A thing that turned her on, the same thing turned her off. All wanted her to stop that way of her living. All of them, whom she loved deeply, who loved her deeply wanted her to stop things abruptly, before she ended up with more hurt and the ensuing regret. So she made a choice. The choice was to lose. To lose him! To lose to him! And in that losing she won back her life.

GATES OF MEMORIES REFUSED TO CLOSE
HOW I MISSED U, NO ONE KNOWS
DAYS PASSED ON LIKE YEARS
I REMEMBERED U IN MY SILENT TEARS
GOOD BYE. AH, SAVANT PRINCE!

Now she stares long into the space. Her eyes are unfocused, unlike her thoughts. The birds still sing, but melancholic tunes. The river still flows serenely, but in an apathetic pace. One thing different is that a small blotch in the corner of the paper which grew to occupy the entire side is now restricted, controlled and pushed aside to stay in the corner. Forever! The stain still present, nonetheless!

Tears, well up in her eyes! A tear, drops down, in the memory of the Prince. That one drop spills into million drops. Avalanche! She can still sense him in the air.

At a distance, faintly, she hears the temple bells toll, jerking her back to reality. She bids a farewell to the window sills, gives a final glance to the path where she first met him, and moves away wiping her tears. She now has got a kingdom to rule. And a life to live!

The window sill rattles in the chill evening drizzle, as if calling back to her saying, ‘Not by winning alone can one truly win!’

Naked truths!

Unto him I took!
Not a mere existence,
lived to full!
The ship- a dear pal,
turned to all whim,
reacted to every desire.

Agnized a liking!
Epiphany?
Violent strom?

Sail drags to the unknown.
I'm torn!
The mast is him.

The pole snaps.
I'm pushed
into the quick sand.

The slushy depths,
green waters -
Upsetting dream
I surface enough,
to look around.

I reach out -
to hold the ship.
The current, or
my tears?
Washes it ashore.
Close my eyes.

Take a deep breathe.
Fighting the void,
trembling slightly,
against the pressing vaccum,
open them -
the prisoners escape
as the path's wide open.

Sudden flash of light,
I shelter in shame.
But want to look.
I can hear -
Showering words
pleading, demanding
- to fret and then to forget.
All egg me on,
to keep going.

Alas!
So does the mast!
The lament still echo loudly
In the ears that listens

I want to hurt,
I want to help!

Its cold and freezing.

அறிந்தும் அறியாததும்..,

எதை மனத்தால் உணர முடியாதோ,
ஆனால் ‍-
எதனால் மனம் உணரப் பெறுகின்றதோ
அதுவே ப்ரம்மம் என்று தெரிந்துகொள்!!!

உபனிஷதம்

Black Rose!

Knowing it, is ripping the heart out..
Tears, not dissolving the memories..
Pretentiously trying to exude happiness,
but the truth stalking every minute-like
a thorn.
An open cut!

Maybe destiny is not a hoax..
Blaming that to ease the pain..
Soothingly affirming to the soul,
there is still more to life- like
in a rose.
Just a scar!

In the heart and mind,
emotions are like seasonal change.
At the start, new and pleasant. Enjoy!
Some days cloudy and gray. Doubt!
Rain and light. Revel!
Then calm! Move away!
Thunderstorm. Deny!
Now the thoughts -
Slush! Murky!
All in the same heart and mind.

Only deafening silence reigns.
But, inside - roaring voices,
flashing memories! Conflicts -
between own dimensions.

Making desperate attempt, to
loosen the wrought iron grip..
Break free of the shackles -
tying the hands opening the gift..
Evade the conventional bonds..
Eluding the feeling of guilt..
Run from the pressing thoughts..
Float around - and
move far far away from the crowd.

But wherever I go,
even in the darkness of the dark..
I will be there.

வரமா? சாபமா?

varama saabama?

This is my my colleague's post in the companys' forum. With due credits...
And this is my response...

Tiny space or a vast cathedral??

Even this does not answer!

The pain of letting go..,

The time she waited to see him was painful, but not as painful as the few moments preceding the actual moment. It seemed like a million years. It was literally a free ticket journey to hell and to a worse hell. At the same time the anticipation and the enthusiasm of seeing him for the first time were killing her. She had left beyond her family, friends and the rest for him. But the moment she saw him she felt it was definitely worth the wait.

He was the world to her! She despised all her other pleasures just to be around him, to see him smile in his sleep, to hold that soft and warm hands in hers, to lose track of time listening to him mumble sweet nothings in her ears, to feel the wetness of his lips against her cheek when she held him in a tight hug. She was filled with pristine love! She felt complete.

The time she spent with him was the best part of her life. What she shared with him was one of the most beautiful and intimate relationship in the whole world. He would walk around her in that special style that she adored; would come crawling back to her even when she kept pushing him away in that funny and teasing way. And she would be there for his every smile and whimper. They communicated in that special language, only they both understood.

As like every woman, she too had so many dreams and many silly and baseless worries that some thing will happen to hamper their lived-happily dream life. Well, she was not entirely wrong nor paranoic.And she was the reason for letting him go! It was that crazy period in her life, when she seemed to have everything; at the same felt like she had lost everything. So she knew from the start, this happiness was not to last. Earlier, her parents chided her for ever wanting to have him, because they were worried about what the world will speak of them and the way their daughter turned out to be .Her friends advised her that it was a lost cause, wishing to have him for the rest of her life after all that she had been through.

She did not like that. She did not need that. Again! She did not want to lose him too, as she had - to lose a man she thought she was blessed to live with. Life was bliss until the moment she came to know of the cheating and betrayal and the injustice of it. As such she was totally helpless and was not in a position to question the man in any way that was legal. She was partly annoyed at her own self, having to have ever trusted some one like that man. She chose to part. That scarred her being and she thought that was all she would ever be able to take. But one thing she was ever grateful to that man, inspite of all the hatred pounding in every vein of hers was that he was the reason she ever got the most precious gift. She took it to be the string that a destitute woman like her can hold on to. On the verge of being wrenched up from that one life supporting string, she was torn.

Finally she decided to let him go. She thought to herself, however tough this may seem she was doing this for the sake of him. If he would be happy with someone else, then so be it. If some body can give him the only one thing the she can’t then it was all that was to it. Yea! There was this one thing which she can never give him. She had lost faith in men, well of course, except him. She was sure; as they grew old some embarrassing situations would arise, where she would be the victimized and put to accusation. She feared that this may, may give him a tiny reason to hate her, for putting upon him such a burden and embarrassment. She thought separation at the start would spare her from as much pain as it would be after so many years. Luckily there came along a wonderful woman who promised her that she would be with him all time long and take good care him and would make a great home with him. She knew he would definitely be happy with her.

Though she made up so innumerable reasons to support her decision, the irrational and the unreasonable part of her, which was filled with love for him, kept confusing her. But she had made her decision. Strongly! Nothing mattered then. Nothing mattered after. Not a tear was shed. Not a word was uttered. And her life was never the same again. She was alive, barely, physically.

What would she not give to have that one year back? She has relived that year and time for over a million times in her mind. Even now in the depths of the nights she would wake up suddenly hearing him call her, only to realize that it was just a dream. If she ever had the chance to live her own life again, she would not hesitate to give all that she owned for the sake of having him. When ever she saw someone holding his hands and cuddling up with him she does not feel any pangs of jealousy but sadness that she ever had to give him up. But he, unawares of all this emotional turbulence of hers, is still full of the same charm and in the years that had passed had grown more handsome.

She sure let go of him. But she is still holding on to the memory that he is hers.

He will always be her baby! And no one can ever deny that. No one!

Why thou late?

Was intending to make a post here for a long time, but frequent meetings with one dead line and another took away most of time.

When being alone, with nothing but silence for company, unwarranted and unsolicited bits of scenes from the most personal film - years of your living, pops up in your mind. At times it is voluntary but at other times it automatically uncoils and starts to play. The music will be a hiss, the images will be blurred, but among them some words blared, and some moments vivid. Sometimes when delved deep into it you feel you are being sucked up by the whirlpool of images and feelings that the thin line of reasoning dividing the past and the present snap and both the worlds merge. You may still feel its Jim’s fault that you fell off the cab, and had not been for that kind priest you would still be lost in that big town. Tough you would be very well aware inwardly that if not for Jim too, you would have fallen off the cab, because it was a stupid thing to try and get down a running cab at the age of 7, the long lost hatred on Jim comes resounding back. Even when the present you may feel it’s wrong and immature to still be fueling that idea, you continue to stick to the old story, maybe because you are ashamed to accept that you have done something wrong and unintelligent there or to forget the fact that 5 to 6 of your then classmates, including Jim had not only seen you fall but also had a good laugh at it. Maybe! But amongst all the fading faces, Jim and his wicked leering stand out almost clearly, making you jump out of the reverie imagining the fall and the ensuing pain.

Not that only memories about embarrassment and pain stand out. Just some random words said by someone who somehow mattered at some level, small string of music you used to like when you were in your early teens and other lovely things etched in some place inside of you - of which you never had an idea you have gotten them still, jumps up; And again sometimes, even those events that you so wanted to repress, memories you so wanted to erase out and pretend as if no such thing has ever happened with you, comes forth – sometimes on dot; sometimes out of the blue; sometimes late!

It is like a diary you used to log all your experiences both nice and vice. In the long run you realize that the diary is no more blank or fresh nor its pages crispy. But it still holds all those wonderful minutes of the life, which makes life more interesting and worth a journey; instances of learning and rejoice, hurt and bonding that made you the person you are now!

Special Occasion..

"Hey, here is one thing, really important, that I want to tell you"
"What? What is it??"
"I’m getting engaged. The wedding is in March"
" "
**smiles**

This is an extract from the conversation I had with my friend sometime back in November last year.
*
Clad in a pretty red traditional nine-yards saree with million multi-colored garlands wrapped around her neck, the bride comes on to the manai. Looking fabulous, her face glows with a radiant smile, revealing a slight nervousness – which, I guess, could be a mixture of unrest; of all the attention; the promises of a new phase life; the anticipation that things should proceed well; the eagerness to be with the man she loves, believes and treasures. The father of the bride takes her hand and places over the groom’s in the holy and the very emotional tradition kannikadhanam, after which the groom accepts the bride into his life and they unite tying the knot.
*
I always find this to be the most special and moving part of the whole marriage ceremony.

It was extra special today, as I watched my dear friend and roommate Harini, walk the first seven steps into matrimony, with Mukund.

Best wishes dear, for a very happy and content married life.